Archive for 2002
Rambling
As I sit here, listening to some music, chubs just finished nursing and fell asleep so Matt took him so they could go both sleep downstairs.
No one seems to be online, which makes for a lonely online experiance right now.
I have been browsing the web tonight, I see a lot of talented sites. Much better than my own heh.
I did another theme for Wisdom but ehhh, not sure if I like it at all. Seems like only 3 people out of over 20 want me to keep Wisdom, doesn’t exactly make me wanna keep it. Actually, I do want to keep it but perhaps it needs a fresh start. Who knows what I will do…
I had done a new layout for Pagan Voice and I don’t think I even got one comment on it from any of the bloggers. I need to remove a few who have not posted in quite awhile. Sometimes it is so hard to do projects when I have friends involved. It makes me feel bad to enforce rules or requirements.
I am going to delete Acquire tonight.
I need to put up a new picture for Imagination.
I just… need a lot of things don’t I?
archived under: Thoughts
Everything
It’s sad, I know I will get a ton of emails from people wanting to read this entry and yet, my normal entries that mean a hell of a lot more to me, get ignored.
I am so beyond fustrated with everything.
We have no money for anything, I am sick of OSN and dealing with how to make it stand out among the sea of likeminded sites.
For the first time in 3 years I got 2 shirts and bottoms when I had gone to Illinois. I can’t afford the $40 for ghetto glasses that I need.
I feel so desperatly alone all the time. I try to talk to people, my family, my online friends, since all of my “real” life friends do not exsist, when I moved from Tucson, I was all but forgotten and here in Ohio….what a joke.
The only thing going for me is being a mother. Without that….I would be nothing at all.
I had started some projects here at my domain that started to do well, now, I am lucky if anyone does anything at all. I have a bunch of hostees, does anyone think to even email me or IM or just a quick “yeah thanks for hosting me” nope. I can see why Jenn decided to get a new domain and make it closed to hosting and have it totally personal.
I just…don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I have no one to really talk to. I have no place to go. It’s bad enough I have literally NO ONE to discuss my parenting beliefs on, wait, not true, I can tell people how I feel, then I get bitched at, put down, looked down at….no one feels the way I do.
I used to write… stories… poetry… anything really. I haven’t written since I was 17 years old. It just feels like my emotions, my words, have no way of escaping, as if everything is trapped within.
I am tired of people trying to tell me I am having post partum depression when I tell them how I feel. I do not have that. The only things I am depressed about is money and lack of friends/family around. Sure, I am fustrated with OSN. I really put a lot into it. Heh, I wonder what would happen if I just closed it?
Eh, I suppose its one of those things where, some sites work, some don’t. I get so fustrated so fast. I wonder why that is.
I really haven’t said much in this entry but bitching.
Well, if I think of more to add, I will.
If I actually gave you access it is because you took the time to email me for it which gives me the impression you will take the time to give me a well thought out comment.
archived under: Thoughts
Blathering
I accepted a new hostee. She should be moving in soon.
I have updated everything OneStarryNight related the past two days, even did a new project this morning, just not sure if I should share or if it would succeed…
I have not seen anyone really online this past week. Wonder if anything fun is happening.
I gave a notice to my hostees that if they did not update after the 20th in two weeks I will be zipping up their files. Of course if they have a valid reason and emailed me beforehand….no problem there. Some hostees I do not think I will ever get rid of heh.
I did a few layouts for Pagan Voice but unsure if they are good, if everyone would enjoy it…I seriously need a layout panel, people I could contact for their opinions on layouts hahaha. So far it consists of Morgan and Ali ahahhaha
Chubs has a 4th tooth coming in on top. Teething. Fun.
I still do not understand Photoshop heh, I think perhaps I have used PSP for just so many years, I am comfy with it.
I had the most endearing conversasion with Dru of Pick-Me the other day. Very sweet chick.
Ugh. I know I have to clean today, but I am having Matt go out and do a lot today so I am not sure when I will have time.
Ohhh, watching MTV and OHHH I like the Eve and Alica Keys new song/video.
Blah, I am tired but I think chubs is mucho perkified right now. Am I the only one that wakes up to a baby laughing in thier face? Or he smacks the little Tigger Ali got him on my head. Oh yes. Pleasant.
Well, I suppose that is it my little bunnies! Blog on later!
archived under: Thoughts
Rambling
I am tired. I went downstairs to sleep but Matt and chubs were already sleeping and I didn’t want to disturb them.
No one is online.
Very lonely. All my readers for, well, everything, have disappeared. Sucks
I think I am getting a cold and that is depressing me.
Listening to Hendrix.
Visit my sister. Yeah, actually my real life sister.
The Reviews are on hiatus because no one seems to do any reviews so until I can get those in I can’t do a darn thing. I totally need reviewers.
Acquire seems to be dead in the water. Perhaps I should just get rid of it?
I did a lot of skins/layouts the last few days yet I have yet to get more than 2 or so, replies on if they are even decent. Ugh. I am whiny and I know it. I guess I am fustrated. I am one of those people that need constant reassurement that they are doing okay, that their creations are decent. I am a feedback whore.
I want to do a new layout for Pagan Voice but I have no clue what. I want it to be paganish themed but not blatantly so, and yet have everyone like it.
New singer I like — Brooke Allison.
I wish I had a printer. I wish I had a scanner. My 21st birthday is coming up in October, anyone want to give me an early present? Heh.
I am so pessimistic these days. No clue why.
It is a full moon tonight.
I think I damaged my right index finger. The past few days it has been in intense pain. Not sure why. No swelling or bruising, but it hurts. Pretty damn bad. No money to see a doctor though. No money for anything these days.
Sometimes I feel like the only thing keeping me going is my son. Otherwise I would have no purpose in this life.
Ugh. What more to say? It is like talking to myself, yet to the world at the same time. Aren’t I the mental patient this morning.
Well, that is all I can even think of at the moment as I listen to my 1150 mp3s. *yeah load them all into Winamp and look at the count number, I have it set on random, I fear when Journey will come up*
archived under: Thoughts
Quick Entry *Rant*
Just a quick note before we go visit my grandmother. It is mucho fun here yay claps heh. I checked my email and I am making a list of who will be allowed to Restricted entries and who will be allowed to the Super Restricted entries. I am upset that even with the restrictions I still have people coming down on me about my parenting. I am sorry. I am ANTI FORMULA ANTI BOTTLES!!!! I do not CARE if people think I am closed minded, which I am not. I have never told anyone I think they are a bad parent etc. I just think fake = bad. Anyways, as I wait for the comments to roll in about that because like usual, I will get them heh. I just go by the golden rule, if you do not have anything nice to say, do not say anything at all. Besides, if people do not feel comfortable reading my pro-breastfeeding, natrual parenting, they do not need to read my blog or visit OneStarryNight.
So, if you are one of those people, please, don’t comment and complain, or bitch about me somewhere else. Because I do not do that to anyone else.
Anyways, I will hardly let anyone read this entry but I just needed to say all of that. Also, only a few people will get to see my vacation pics.
I just….UGHHH what is WRONG with people!! The restricting of the entries is so I do NOT get all the bitching!!! UGHHHHHHH I don’t complain about people’s lives and styles so why get so bent out of shape about mine! UGH!
archived under: Thoughts
Simply Everything
Well, lately no one seems to be reading so I figure write a really long entry about everything and make it restricted.
I have gotten 4 new hostees the last week or so. Considering even now most of them are not pariticpating on Wisdom yet the hostees blog has picked up. I plan on emailing them all about the fact that I require frequency on Wisdom.
I made sabbat crescent cakes and applesauce loaf today. Matt loves them both. I was worried, always worried, that he would think I was insane for making something that would be an offering to the Goddess and God. Can’t wait for his look when I finally have a chance to create my altar in the 3rd room. I am waiting until I get some nice fabric for my altar cloth.
Wednesday we go to visit my family.
I wonder how many comments I will get on nursing chubs who will be 6 months old on the 9th. We are going to try solids around 7 months or so. Maybe at 8 months not sure yet. I am paranoid about people touching him, I wonder if I should bring like wetwipes so I know people at the family reunion have clean hands before poking him?
OneStarryNight just does not seem to be doing well in general. I rarely get comments or any sign of visitors. My newest hostee told me she was shocked I never got a fansign. I assume fansigns are a good thing.
We are so broke, Ali promised to send money which was to help cover rent and for us to come up, now she says she will just have us put it in the bank when we are in Illinois. It’s like well then how are we to come up?
I am even more lonely these days. From the standpoint of being a mother with no other mother who shares my parenting views. I am pro-breastfeeding anti-anything artificial, no bottles no pacifiers etc. A friend of mine who got preggers during my 3rd trimester or so. She was even more gung-ho than I was. Cloth diapers, no circ if it was a boy (it’s a girl), natural childbirth, etc. Well she had her baby, when she talked to me she could not stop raving about the epidural, she showed me pictures and the day old baby had a pacifier in her mouth, and then she commented how the second time she tried breastfeeding, her daughter did not latch on well. When I asked about the cloth diapers which Matt and I still want to do if we had a washer/dryer, she told me how she was not using cloth and how much easier disposable were. It just makes me feel bad because I thought well at least I will have ONE person who will understand ONE person that won’t get all pissy with me.
Anyways, Matt just got off the phone with the bank. We are hoping everything works out with the rent being paid heh.
Well that is it for now. If I think of anything else I will update and slap *Update* on the title so everyone knows. Remember, you took the time to email for access, you have the time to comment.
Updates
In reply to current comments
To Mary:
Ali and Jess have ALL sorts of things planned! She got me a HAND PAINTED LENNON CLOTH!! Yeah, you know my reaction heheh. I also can not wait to finally meet you! By the way I can’t remember if I set you the pics of chub in the recliner? E-mail me if you didn’t get them.
To Morgan:
We are waiting until he WANTS to eat instead of giving him solids just because it is the norm. We know physically he is ready because we waited until he got teeth, he has 2 now, which means his stomach is producing the proper digestive acids now. We plan on starting him on perhaps organic bananas or sweet potatoes. He will only have organic and we plan on doing our own baby food, just seems better than way. We know what is going in him instead of the jars which seem to have additives. Breastfed babies do not need any extra juice, water, etc. Breastmilk is the perfect combo of water, proteins, fats, carbohydrates, etc. When he is over a year old and can hold and use a sippy cup, then he will get watered down organic juices. Hehe I told Matt today I will express some of my milk then and freeze it and combine it with some fruit for a breastmilk smoothie for the baby since all I seem to do these days is make Matt fruit smoothies. As for a ped, well, the simple answer is, we do not have one. We used to have one but she kept pushing us to use formula, made the comment that I was a “hard-core” breastfeeder, and oh yeah, that I was the whitest person she has ever known. Not what I wanted to hear. She did not treat chubs jaundice until it was almost in the danger zone which then caused many trips to the hospital for blood tests, a bili blanket, etc. We have gone to other peds but none will take state insurance.
Ahhh I went off on a tangent there!!
On the plus side of OSN things, Wisdom is BOOMING tonight!!! Where are all these people coming from!?
archived under: Thoughts
Just Blah
Lately, although I will be online, I rarely blog. Seems like all of my readers have disappeared besides my friends obviously.
I got my period yesterday….first period since having chubs. It sucks.
Lately I have been getting more and more deeper in to my faith and religion. I don’t know why, maybe because I want to raise Daniel in a household that believes? Matt has said numerous times that he has no problem with me raising chubs as pagan. Even got me a book on pagan parenting.
I updated Pagan @ OSN and Pagan Voice seems to be doing well.
I am still trying to look for hostees. My current ones, after many emails from me, have bursts of activity but for the most part nothing. My newest one has blogged like 3 times in the past few weeks and when I try to IM her, she rarely responds or does the “Have to go bye!” so I lowered my age requirement to 16, perhaps the younger folks will be more happy to be hosted.
I am excited, waiting for Sage, Crystal‘s e-zine to get up and running.
I just…..want to cry sometimes….I am very very lonely. I don’t have anyone really to talk for any period of time about children, because I have such different views than most people, or paganism because not many people my age take it seriously. I just….need some friends…it’s hard not even being 21 yrs of age and having almost nothing in common with anyone.
We go to visit my family in Illinois on the 10th…I wonder how that will go? I know my sister does not agree on some of my parenting methods and my dad has made the comment of “when will he start using a bottle for water and juice” but I hope that they are understanding of my parenting skills. Ali has promised me some pagan books of hers she no longer wants and also promised to take me to the pagan shop she visits occasionaly which I am excited about because according to her it just has so much more than the little shop I go to out here.
The car is acting up. It is overheating and we can not figure out why. So we are hoping to get an appointment in to get it looked at before the trip.
I have been up since 9am yesterday morning. I am having very bad sleep issues. I am exhausted, but I only take 1 – 2 hour naps with chubs through out the day. I just feel guilty because I have these goals, like cleaning this room, the main bedroom, etc and I never get anything done. The weather does not help any. The humidity is what gets me. It makes my head hurt.
My 21st birthday is coming up in October, I wonder what changes will come then? Chubs will be 9 months old. Supposedly Ali and Jessica will be coming up to celebrate…maybe I can get them drunk since I will not drink obviously. I think it would be funny heh. I have a weird sense of humor sometimes.
Well, I suppose that is it for now. I may add more later if anything else pops into mind.
Remember, you can always comment on this entry, in fact, I expect it since you made the effort to get access. Aren’t I sweet heh.
Well after being gone 4 hours. Matt came home. Informing me we are $300 short of rent. His family, which he does their grocery shopping, misc house work stuff, mows lawn, etc. Refused to give him any more. They are not giving him ANYTHING next month. I am so upset. I can not ask my family for any more money. I just got money from my dad to go towards bill and all I could do was pay part on the phone, cable, and electric bills. I had to buy chubs clothes, diapers, washcloths, and food in general. Plus weekly $40 for the fridge and chair. I am just. Lost. Ali called me from Summerfest and I know I will talk to her later or at the least she will want to this this entry. How can I tell her, guess what we might not be able to come up because we have to find some sort of means to pay just THIS month’s rent not to mention next month’s. I wish I could earn money online but I have not found any options that would pay min wage. I just do not know what to do.
archived under: Thoughts
Babbling
I have been attempting a new yet similar layout for the blog, I have sent countless shots to my panel of Amber, Ali, Jessica, and Morgan. It’s sickening heh.
Daniel is all cute n cuddly n sleeping on Matt. I can not believe he is almost 3 months old!
I got the nifty perl module installed so I can make nifty MT thumbnails using MT 2.0. Everyone MUST download and use and love MovableType!
Matt says I am indeed loosing weight, I am happy because I can not stand carrying all this baby weight around, but hey breastfeeding ALSO gives the benifit of using like 500 calories a day just doing something as simple as feeding my son! Woohoo! Also it seems my breasts are NOT noticing the difference, yes, you CAN become a size F in a matter of a few hours after having a child. Suprise surprise huh.
Ugh, as I type this, I hear MORE slamming of doors, kicking of walls, and yelling all over this damn-ed evil apartment building, Matt is going to call the landlord yet AGAIN about this. HELLO, if in OUR lease there is about a million “quiet” rules shouldn’t EVERYONE follow them besides us? We have gotten quite a few comments from people in the building that they thought our apartment was empty because it is so quiet. Just because we are in our twenties does not mean we need to be rowdy. (I just know Ali is cracking up as she reads this because I said “rowdy”)
Well, I suppose one of these days I will do another main layout for OSN, but I still really like the current one, and I want more content somehow, before I work on a new layout, any content suggestions? Well I suppose that is it for now, remeber to stop by the forums, and join the wonderful community if you have not already!
archived under: Thoughts
Ponderings
Right now Daniel is sleeping on Matt in the recliner, curling and uncurling his toes. I make cute babies!
I kinda want to make a new layout for this blog, I like the set up but the colors are slightly depressing, any suggestions? Heck any suggestions for OSN in general?
Last night I had a wonderful conversasion about parenting and what not with Bekki, and thinking about the discussion about NAK, I am now sprouting a couple leaks heh, so stop by and give some love!
People really seem to enjoy the current OSN layout, I am surprised by that as it was so simple to do for the most part, but ohh fancy different colors on each page! I am a trend setter I know hahaha.
Kristine has been trying to help me set up that PHP script, I think the script just hates me but I would really like a PHP script to show my last few referrers. Perhaps someone knows of a different script? I am a newbie to PHP, so please let it be simple to use and install.
Any ideas on how to get more people to join the forums? It seems to be lacking lately in activity, I want a nice small bustling crowd over there. hehe I said “bustling” aren’t I the special one.
I am totally babbling because I have this huge urge to blog, but not much to say! I am surprised no one commented on the fact I actually put a semi picture of Daniel up. I mean sure it’s just his adorable two month old chubby arm, but still, considering how against showing his pictures online I am.
Hmm chub-moto seems to be waking up, and Matt keeps going “I think he’s like…hungry” so time for the leakyness to have a purpose!
archived under: Thoughts
Damn People
Last night Matt and I and Daniel went to the Eastwood Expo thingy, it was heavily advertised everywhere so we wanted to check it out…as soon as we went inside this rude older lady said to us “You BETTER have had his head covered” referring to Daniel’s head which had no hat on. For crying outloud I think Matt and I know how to take care of our son!
Anyways, I think I may be moving over to Movable Type, which I will have on its own little subdomain, so keep an eye out so if you have this addy linked you can update it to the new one.
Well that is it for now, hard to type since I’m nursing Daniel at the moment but I will blog more later!
archived under: Thoughts
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