Photos Galore! (Oh and I think I’m Depressed)

It’s amazing how much can happen in a single year.

I am having one heck of a time of it lately, emotionally anyway. I am really unsure of why. I know part of this feeling, this “what’s the point” or “I am never productive”, isn’t based in reality, and yet that doesn’t stop my brain from THINKING that way. This feeling only cropped up about 2 – 3 weeks ago or so.

Logically I know being stuck in the house, lack of outside time, limited adult contact (aside from the boyfriend), all contribute to this feeling. I’ve also been having a lot more PTSD issues when it comes to trying to deal with my failed VBAC (placenta abruption), sadly that is just going to take a lot of time to accept.

I’m sure getting my fertility back isn’t helping matters either.

It’s frustrating though, I am a lot more weepy, bitchy, and tired lately because of the emotional overload and I am just not sure how to rectify the situation.

The boys however are doing awesome. Daniel currently has a paper mache volcano drying and some rock crystals growing. Tristan is such a little chatterbox, it’s so adorable to have a “conversation” with him. I still have moments every day where I can’t believe I have TWO children. It’s so amazing to me. Daniel is always playing with his baby brother or carrying him. I can’t wait until the baby is able to chase his big brother around!

Keith pretty much forced me to go outside this morning and shoot some photos while Tristan is asleep.

I am really enjoying the D90 although I haven’t spent much time with it or played with any of the different features (compared to the D50). I do like the more intuitive controls, much better in low light situations, very low noise at high ISO’s… I am really happy with that purchase.

Lastly, when Keith ran to the store late last night, he bought me a small miniature rose plant! I can’t wait until it blooms further and grows so we can plant it outside!

Pasta with Italian Sausage & Caesar Salad

This is such a tasty and filling meal and super affordable, especially if you can find the sausages on sale like we did!

Ingredients

• 1 medium red bell pepper, medium dice
• 5 lean turkey Italian turkey sausages, casings removed
• 1/2C low fat ricotta
• 29oz canned tomato puree
• 1 TBSP dried oregano
• 1/2C chopped fresh basil
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• kosher salt
• freshly ground black pepper
• 6C cooked whole wheat pasta

We love this dish because it is SO fast to prepare and cook!

Directions
Heat a skillet over high heat (non-stick or sprayed with a bit of olive oil cooking spray) and add your sausages. Use the back of a wooden spoon to break up the meat. You still want it to have fairly large bits. After 8-10minutes, add your diced red bell pepper with a pinch of kosher salt and cook for an additional five minutes.

In a separate pot over medium heat, add your garlic, canned tomato puree, oregano, salt, pepper, and ricotta. Cook this mixture for five minutes. Then add in your Italian sausage and red bell pepper mixture. Stir to combine.

In a bowl place 1C of the pasta and top with 1/2C of sauce.

The sauce makes 8 servings of 1/2C each, for those doing Weight Watchers, each serving of sauce is three points.

I also thought that a homemade Caesar salad would be super tasty as well!

Dressing Ingredients

• 1oz Parmesan cheese, grated
• 1 garlic clove, minced
• Juice of 1 lemon
• 1/2C low fat buttermilk
• 3TBSP light sour cream
• 1tsp anchovy paste
• kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

This makes 15 servings (1 serving = 1TBSP) which is 0 points for Weight Watchers.

Salad Ingredients

• 4 pieces of light wheat toast, cubed
• 1/2oz Parmesan cheese, grated
• 1 romaine heart, cut into bite sized pieces

The salad makes three servings!

Directions
In a small bowl, combine all of the dressing ingredients and whisk until everything is combined. Let sit for at least ten minutes to develop the flavor. In a separate larger bowl, add your salad ingredients and top with 4TBSP of dressing.

I hope everyone tries these recipes out and enjoys them!

In Anticipation for Spring (Photo Heavy)

I am craving… NEEDING Spring.

I thought it would be nice to share some past photographs of mine to showcase all the lovely spring flowers that should bloom shortly!

New Spring Design

Ah yes, another redesign of OSN! Please let me know if something looks off or isn’t working.

I was “inspired” by these two photos I shot the other day!

If you have any suggestions, comments, questions, I would love to hear it!

Butterfly Display

Chained Up (emotionally anyway)

As I mentioned before and as Code Name: Mama recently blogged about, there seems to be a lot of depression running around lately.

I try and talk to Keith often about how I’m feeling which does help, it means that I am acknowledging the issue.

I reset all of our internal clocks so that we are up all day and sleep at night. Previously we were completely flipped and very nocturnal. Also having the weather improve, DOES HELP. I need fresh air (which drives everyone nuts because I always have a window partially open ALL YEAR LONG) and with the improved weather I can not only BE outside, but have all the windows open INSIDE to air the house out.

I’ve been trying to shoot more photos lately. I want to get back into doing more portrait photography but aside from the kids, have no willing adult subjects!

I know part of my depression stems from the traumatic birth I had with Tristan. Just the other day I had a flashback to one of the ER residents saying (and doing) very cruel things to me about a week before I went into actual labor.

Part of it is feeling a bit “lost” or “alone”. I am still trying to process how I lost 98% of my social circle when I became pregnant with Tristan. It makes me feel used in some ways. I think within the first trimester everyone stopped calling, texting, emailing, etc.

When you’re depressed (aside from clinical depression which may need medication for imbalance issues), how do you adjust your thinking, how you FEEL? What sure fire way brings a smile to your face?

I Had TWO Cesarean Sections & I Still Hurt

It’s slowly getting better, this anger, this sadness. I can now find beauty in everyday life (aside from my kids) where I couldn’t a few months ago.

It’s hard because sometimes I almost feel shame or guilt that BOTH of my c-sections were medically needed. Daniel was a footling breech and with Tristan, my placenta abrupted. That makes people not understand WHY I suffer from PTSD or why I am still coming to terms with fighting so hard to not have it matter in the end, because gosh darn it, I “needed” those surgeries for valid reasons!

In the birthing community (not the medical community mind you!), I feel like there is so much support for those wanting a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) but not enough support for those who TRIED and ended up with a CBAC (cesarean birth after cesarean). I fought SO hard.

I did go to my first ICAN meeting last month and thought it was great, but even then, I have problems talking to people who have had successful VBACS or planning a VBAC.

I feel broken. I have very hard pregnancies (hyperemesis and SPD) and end up with major abdominal surgery to “birth” my children. I was screamed at, ridiculed, put down, shamed, lied to, and traumatized by the medical industry for even trying to birth my second son WITHOUT having my abdomen sliced open.

It’s hard to not think, “What was the point? Why did I fight so hard to have the outcome THEY all wanted?”.

Would I try for a VBA2C if I ever became pregnant again? Yes. Keith and I already discussed it and determined we would have a homebirth (HBA2C). Not only was the pregnancy and birth tortured enough by the medical profession but then the hospital stay was just as bad.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one that feels this way.

I need a hug.

Black Bird (take these broken wings & learn to fly)

Photos from The Grove in Glenview

Some photos I shot the other day when the weather was just so lovely!

Still, I can’t wait until everything is green, lush, and blooming again. All of this brown lifeless plant life is driving me crazy!

I also think I am in a blogging rut, any suggestions?

What a Morning

Look at that photo, isn’t it soothing?

If only my morning was as calm! Ranging from scary diapers to a glass bomb explosion in the kitchen to a baby who has figured out how to ROLL to his destination to an 8yr old who asks every five minutes, “when are we going to feed Auntie Ali’s cats!”, oh and my lovely boyfriend is working today so I am parenting alone.

Mind you I was a single mom for 6 years so really this is nothing, but still! Top it off with wearing contacts again and a bad hair day and I just want to crawl back into bed!

Oh and beware, angry tree squirrel may attack!