My Body Image

I’ve never really had a positive thought about my body until AFTER I had my first son. Oh and I need to lose 100lbs.

Growing up my mother was always yo-yo dieting and when I hit puberty (ugh joy) and gained some weight, I was right away told I was getting “fat” and that I needed to restrict my eating.

Bring forth highschool where I worked for Baskin Robbins and Taco Bell (at the same time) where I had access at no cost a TON of junk food. Also in our high school there were pop and snack machines everywhere so I used to drink a can of coke in EVERY class to keep myself awake.

At this time I knew I was a bit overweight but still had pretty high self-esteem. I felt pretty most of the time, had no problem socializing, and really didn’t think about my weight much if at all.

Fast forward a bit to when I was with Daniel’s biological “father” and all he and his family drank was pop (his VERY diabetic mother as well) so since I liked pop well enough, even though we never really had it IN the home, I picked up that habit REAL quick.

I then became pregnant with my oldest son. When he was just barely a year old I found out his biological “father” had been involved with one or more sexual relationships outside of OUR relationship (we were engaged). I would wonder if I wasn’t thin enough, pretty enough, GOOD enough. Once I kicked him out, within 5 months I lost around 80lbs, naturally. No diet, no restrictions. I felt FANTASTIC. I was healing emotionally and seeing myself as being gorgeous.

A little bit less than a year later I permitted him to move back in with me and regained all of that weight within 4 months PLUS some. I even joke today that he made me fat.

Let’s skip past when that relationship died (thank god right!) and when I dropped 40lbs and met my life partner Keith. By this time, even with my scary stretch marks, my sagging breasts, my c-section scar, and my fatness, and had fairly normal self-esteem.

I then became pregnant with my baby son. Put on bedrest for pretty much the entire pregnancy. Ended up with another awful c-section.

During the pregnancy where I gained NO weight (had hyperemesis from week 4 through the birth), where I was told by family, by the medical professionals, that I was FAT. I needed to NOT EAT SO MUCH, (um remember… hyperemesis? Not eating was NOT a problem). I was told I needed a repeat c-section because I was FAT. Yep super valid reason there right.

Due to that emotional (and physical) trauma, I feel just awful about my body. Granted it doesn’t LOOK any different really. A bit bigger from the weight I gained AFTER the pregnancy.

I look at my belly that contains two scars on it’s uterus and covered in stretch marks and I am torn between being amazed that it housed two amazing little boys and feeling angry that I am told often by society that I am not worth much, that I am “ugly” because I’m not thin.

Going from being overweight in highschool and NEVER having that be an issue to being an adult and seeing all the media thrown at our children by society… it hurts me.

So how do I cope? I eat right, (most of the time anyway), I quit Weight Watchers, I talk about my issues about my body to my boyfriend, and realized that I need to start LIKING myself the way I am now. I may never think my stretch marks are beautiful or feel special when the baby is pinching my fat rolls while giggling hysterically, yet I like to think I have some redeeming qualities somewhere!

Of course, I wouldn’t mind losing that 100lbs either.

Wordless Wednesday: At the Chicago Botanic Garden

Other participants:
Please comment after leaving your link!

Dear Natural Parenting Community

Recently I stopped by my good friend’s place to hang out for a bit and naturally I brought along Tristan, my 6 month old son who (of course) is breastfed.

Overall the visit was fine but there was some moments that made me feel uncomfortable. She has an almost 19yr old son who was in the living room with us and naturally the baby (since it was past midnight) needed to nurse.

Her son never said anything negative or stared, he was busy playing on his computer! We conversed normally, he even asked if the baby was eating or sleeping.

During my 5 hour visit, the baby nursed many times and during a couple of his marathon nursing sessions, my friend gestured and whispered that I should try to hide my breast because her son was in the room.

The next day we talked on the phone and she made it a point to inform me that she “discussed the breastfeeding” with her son, that she asked him how it made him feel (apparently he said he was just not prepared for me to “whip it out and just do it”), and overall made a really BIG DEAL (in my opinion).

I was a bit surprised, granted she formula fed her kids but from what I recall nursed her son until he was 3 months old (she quit because she thought at his 3 month growth spurt that he was “starving”). Also we’ve been friends since before I got pregnant with Daniel and she is MORE than aware of my style of parenting.

I have other similar situations, for example a few weeks ago at the local grocery store, we were about to pack up and go home when my brother surprised us in the parking lot. I was in the backseat of my car, breastfeeding the baby in his carseat (mad skills yo!), when after 10 minutes of conversation my brother realized the baby was nursing and told me I should cover up with a quilt.

After telling him he was out of line, he got irate, tried to get my 8yr old son (who self-weaned at 4yrs old), to “agree” that “mom should cover that up”. My son was confused, a bit freaked out, and now has little to no interest in contact with my brother. He told me later that he didn’t even know what his uncle was trying to SAY.

In both situations, I have NO idea how MY feeding MY son had a damn thing to do with anyone but ME and MY SON.

I won’t even go into the recent facebook drama!

So Natural Parenting Community, my question is this, how do you handle your family and friends when they attack you or create a “situation” out of YOU breastfeeding YOUR child?

Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Replace hitting with…?
  Acacia at Be Present Mama is at a loss on how to handle her three year old’s hitting.
• Two Questions
  Alexandra at Breastfeeding Momma would like some ideas on how to strengthen her bond with her 8-month-old daughter; she’s also looking for input on an emotional topic: vaccines.
• Balancing Needs When Baby Trumps Mama
  Alison at BluebirdMama wonders how her child’s need for noise and energy balances out against her need for quiet and space.
  (@childbearing )
• The McDilemma
  Annie at PhD in Parenting is on the arches of a McDilemma.
  (@phdinparenting)
• Where is the mutually agreeable solution? When parenting calls for blood draws
  Arwyn at Raising My Boychick has a child who needs regular blood tests that are torment for him. How does a parent honor a child when his health is on the line?
  (@RaisingBoychick)
• When To Wait To Nurse
  Cave Mother wonders what age toddlers can be asked to wait to nurse.
• I don’t love you Mama!
  CurlyMonkey wonders what to do with her daughter’s intense feelings.
  (@curlymonkey_)
• Help a Mama Out
  Danielle at Born.in.Japan isn’t getting much sleep with her cosleeping, night nursing, cranky little guy and hopes you can help with some suggestions for shuteye.
  (@borninjp)
• Dear Abby: My daughter really misses her Daddy
  Darcel at The Mahogany Way needs to know how to help her daddy’s girl get the connection with her father she needs
  and not feel left out in the process.
  (@MahoganyWayMama)
• What’s Going on at School?
  Deb at Science@home is in a quandary: how can she find out what really goes on at school without stepping on the teacher’s toes?
  (@ScienceMum)
• April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Advice
  Dionna at Code Name: Mama wants to find volunteer work that includes her toddler.
  (@CodeNameMama)
• How do you deal?
  Erin at Beatnik Momma does not want to engage in “mommy wars.” She’d like your input on how (and how much) to discuss her natural parenting choices with curious friends and family who parent differently.
  (@babybeatnik)
• Dear Abby
  The Grumbles at Grumbles and Grunts gave her son a banana…and no solid food since. What’s the next step in baby-led weaning?
  (@thegrumbles)
• Excuse me, I have a poop question
  Jessica at This is Worthwhile has a question for you about toddler tinkling.
  (@tisworthwhile)
• The Half Empty Nest Syndrome: What to do when Momma gets replaced by a cow?
  Joni Rae at Kitchen Witch Momma is suffering from “half-empty nest syndrome”: what do you do when your babies start growing up?
  (@kitchenwitch)
• Peer Pressure
  Kate at Momopoly worries what message her daughter’s new friend is sending
  but how to break up such an infatuation?
  (@Momopoly)
• When I Fall Down
  Katherine at Momioso.com needs your wisdom on how to be more gentle and at peace with herself.
  (@naturalparent)
• A question of sleep and sanity
  KeepingMumSane needs your toddler cosleeping advice in order to, well, keep mum sane!
  (@keepingmumsane)

• April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting advice
  Lauren at Hobo Mama needs a chiropractor … or help getting her 36 lb toddler to walk up the stairs.
  (@Hobo_Mama)
• Driver’s Ed for Mommies
  Maman A Droit is a self-confessed terrible driver and is scared to drive with her baby in the car.
• Solo Parenting
  Mammapie at Downside Up and Outside In needs tips for being a single working mother while her partner’s away.
  (@mammapie)
• Itsy Bitsy Biter
  Mamapoekie at Authentic Parenting needs your advice about her daughter, otherwise known as the pitbull.
• How Can I Avoid Beauty Obsession?
  Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! is at a loss ever since her tomboys turned into wannabe princesses.
  (@bfmom)
• Seeking Stability in Chaos
  Michelle at Seeking Mother is in a heart-wrenching position. She needs your input on how to make a toddler feel secure during a time of transition, the illness of a parent, and multiple (new) caregivers.
  (@Seekingmother)
• Mama, That’s Too, Too Boring!
  Michelle at The Parent Vortex started out asking how to encourage her preschooler to get dressed
  and four days later, she began to without prompting!
  (@TheParentVortex)
• Dear Lovey Hart, I am Desperate.
  Mommy Soup from Cream of Mommy Soup has several questions for you, from how you play favorites when no one’s your favorite to how to tell off strangers curious about the ample size of your family.
  (@mommysoup)
• Diaper Duty Dilemma
  Paige at Baby Dust Diaries has a simple request: talk to her about cloth!
  (@babydust)
• What Do You Need My Son
  pchanner at A Mom’s Fresh Start wishes her calm four-month-old hadn’t turned into an inquisitive and dramatic six-month-old. How do you handle changes in baby’s personality?
  (@pchanner)
• Dear Natural Parenting Community
  Sarah at OneStarryNight wants to know how to respond to criticism from family and friends over breastfeeding.
  (@starrymom)
• Natural Parenting Carnival
  Help
  Sarah at Consider Eden feels like either her to-do list or her parenting is suffering, because she can’t do both!
  (@considereden)
• To potty learn or not to potty learn — that is the question
  Sheryl at Little Snowflakes wants to know whether it’s time to start potty training.
  (@sheryljesin)
• Seeking Patience
  Starr at Earth Mama looks to the collective tribal wisdom of this community to learn how to teach patience to children.
• A Dirty Girl Comes Clean
  Tashmica at Mother Flippin’ is struggling. How do parents deal with their inability to keep their children protected from danger?
  (@Mother_Flippin)
• Uli and the Pussy Cats
  Thomasin at Propson Palingenesis has a toddler who likes to put kitties in headlocks and ride them like horsies. How best to separate the little beasties?
• Perceptions of Discipline
  Zoey at Good Goog doesn’t use conventional discipline with her child
  and doesn’t know how to respond around people who do.
  (@zoeyspeak)

Basic Aperture

Photography is all about light.

Controlling aperture permits YOU to control the amount of light and there by controlling depth of field (how sharp or blurry the photo is).

I suggest (if your camera has this option) you shoot in aperture priority (usually AP or A on the dial). You can control the aperture and it will automatically select a shutter speed.

Basically when it comes to aperture, the LOWER the number, the MORE light is let through and the more SHALLOW (or fuzzy) the photo/background becomes. The HIGHER the number, LESS light is let through and MORE of the photo is in focus.

f/2.8

f/4

f/8

f/13

f/20

f/32

As you can see in this progression, starting with the first photo, barely anything is in focus, the background is just a wash of color and only a couple petals are in focus, by the time you reach the last photo, EVERYTHING is in focus including the window screen which is now well defined.

When you hear someone saying, “I shot wide open”, usually they are referring to using a LOWER number aperture, like f/1.8 for example, which lets MORE light through the lens and creates SHALLOW depth of field.

Now remember how I mentioned that photography is all about light? If you are in a brightly lit area, direct sun for example, you may NOT want to shoot “wide open”. Doing so again lets the maximum amount of light through the lens and in that bright scene it could be TOO much light and overexpose (make the photo too bright/white/washed out) your photo.

Eventually I will do a really basic shutter explanation, ISO, and how to put aperture and shutter speed together.

My Baby Son is Adorable

Seriously. I breed cuteness. Just admire the nummies and comment on how squishy and sweet he is.

You know you want to.

Fabulous Friday

So far today has been a good day and it’s not even noon!

I want to start by sharing an amazing blog post by a friend of mine!

So it’s been a crazy past few days, from my nocturnal children keeping me up all night to the migraine from hell I suffered from yesterday… I am just thrilled to not only be awake in the morning AFTER sleeping (granted only three hours but still), but it’s sunny and we may even go to the Brookfield Zoo today!

At some point this afternoon/evening I am going to try and work on a basic photography tutorial on aperture, basically how changing your aperture can control how much light is let through the lens and how that can change your depth of field.

I’ve been wanting to do another wordpress or blogging tutorial, however not sure what YOU want to learn from ME. Suggestions? By all means I have a question & answer area for a reason!

For kicks, here’s two iPhone app’s I’ve downloaded recently!

Reeder Cost: $2.99 Omgosh I can’t even begin to explain how much I love this RSS feed app! Just download it and love it! It syncs with your Google Reader account which is even more awesome!

Hipstamatic Cost: $1.99 What a great photo app! You can not import from your photo library which some see as a downfall, however I believe the creators intended it for the app to feel more like a “real” film camera. Now I listed the cost as $1.99 however you can download more “lenses” and “film” for an additional $.99.

Really, I just wanted to post more photos and needed an excuse…

Early Spring (photo heavy)

I am trying to pretend that is NOT in the weather forecast to snow for the next two days.

So here are some of my recent photos over the past week of what early Spring has been like for us!

Can’t forget the hail!

Flight of the Bumblebee

Other Wordless Wednesday Participants:
Please comment before submitting your link to the Mr. Linky

Sleep is for Wussies & Cesarean Awareness Month

Nothing says Spring like lilac buds!

Remember how I was complaining about my insomnia issues? Well last night I had high hopes that I would again be a “day” person because I was EXHAUSTED and in bed by 10:30pm!

Only to be woken up by my glorious boys at 2:30am. I’m scared to even try to nap because I fear I will again be up all night and I want to be up! SUNLIGHT! Warmer weather! Frolicking and taking photos! I only wish my children understood that momma needs outdoor time to be perkier and not dwell on how destroyed my uterus is.

I breed cuteness!

I was actually THRILLED to wake up today and see that it is Cesarean Awareness Month. The awesome Gina wrote up an awesome post, April is Cesarean Awareness Month that I urge EVERYONE to check out (if you haven’t already).

As a lot of you know, I’ve had two c-sections, and regardless of their medical need, I suffer from PTSD and anxiety issues (not even mentioning the physical aspect) stemming from them. I wish I knew HOW to get what I want to say, out of my head so you all could understand how devastating a c-section can be.

Maybe someday I will find a way…

Ah back to the sleep thing, when the boyfriend and both kids are asleep, it’s very hard for me to stay awake! It’s like they are luring me to the nocturnal side!

I still need to come up with something for the Natural Parenting Blog Carnival, return a bunch of books to the library, try to go to a park (we have a variety that we go to), and figure out what to make for dinner. I am open to ANY dinner suggestions!

Must remember that it’s now Spring, warm weather, awesome outdoor stuff to do, and pretty nature! Now if only that could get me through the next 8 – 10 hours!

Lastly, please suggest 3 blogs I should go read! I have very little brain power to DO anything, but reading I can handle!

Wordless Wednesday: In My Kitchen

Other Participants

Please comment after adding yourself to the list!

For more Wordless Wednesday, visit 5 Minutes for Mom.

• WordlessWednesday: Hair Fluffs
• Blast from the Past: Old OSN Designs
• Leap into Spring: Finale
• Leap into Spring: Grass/Green
• Bubbles
• May 2012 Julep Maven It Girl Box
• Life Updates
• Leap into Spring: Rain/Water

• For the bloggers out there, are you a niche blogger or a memoir blogger? Why did you choose one over the other (if... fb.me/MCqTXjHk | 2 hours ago
• @TouchstoneZ HAHHA omg flashback! | 2 hours ago
• @ohmyveggies just take ibuprofen and excedrin migraine now, I've given up on prescriptions | 3 hours ago