My Break-Up Letter to my Twin Sister
I gave it a lot of thought, if I should post this or not, and decided that if I’m going to be honest then it will be full disclosure. It’s scary.
People always think that if you’re a twin, you HAVE to be BEST FRIENDS FOREVER with your twin sibling. Nope. We rarely have gotten along and the majority of the time it’s because of situations I’ve brought up in the letter. My parents didn’t help matters, playing favorites (she was the favorite). I have a ton of examples of favoritism. The ending message though given to me by my parents was that my sister was the “smart” and “nice” twin while I was evil incarnate.
This is directly copied and pasted from the email. Only things I changed were instead of full names, I used the first initial. “S” instead of “Sarah”.
So bear with me and the epic long letter.
I’ve been going back and forth on how to write this. Where to start. What to say.
I don’t think I can continue to have a relationship with you. I feel you’re too far gone into yourself to have a healthy relationship with ANYONE right now. I’ve asked you numerous times to contact someone for help. To get help for your mental state and your alcoholism.
It kills me when you compare yourself to me. Because how I was for a few short months in 2008 doesn’t come CLOSE to what you’ve been doing.
I don’t agree with you having sex with anyone who looks sideways at you, UNPROTECTED SEX at that. Especially after you’ve had that HPV scare which you STILL haven’t gotten tested for.
It burns me inside to keep your awful secrets. You telling “J” who you “loved” that you were exclusive while STILL having sex with other people, even while at DisneyWorld while on vacation with your TODDLER! Or making out with your supposed “best friend’s” fiance, not once but TWICE and NOT TELLING HER! How you constantly put “L” down, going so far to say she didn’t “deserve” her pregnancy and your being relieved she miscarried at 14wks!
You complain to me about everyone, how they don’t understand you, how they frown upon your behaviors. You think you’re SO AWESOME of a friend, of a date, but you aren’t. You are fake. You lie. You do everything possible to make YOURSELF look good while grinding everyone else into the ground.
You LIED to our father about the financial help he gave me. You promised me you would TELL him you lied. Which you did not do. My own husband has forbidden you from our home! My oldest son wants nothing to do with you! Yet you still believe you are awesome?
You’ve taken advantage of me. You’ve taken my possessions, cash, food, gifts, etc.
I don’t think you’re being a good mother at all. You spend the majority of your time sleeping around, being wasted, or trying to find more men to “hook up” with. You scream at your almost 3yr old daughter about stupid things like drinking her milk. You try to use her as a weapon against her father by trying to get her to call him by his first name rather than “daddy”. You are inappropriate around her. You shouldn’t be painting her nails BRIGHT RED. Or letting her listen to and make her favorite song be S&M by Rihanna. You complain about her constantly. You have told me many times over the past few months how you wanted MORE time away from her so you could go to the bar or on a date. I think you love her in your own way but it’s not maternal.
I think it’s awful that you call your ex AWFUL names just because he is more public about his emotions to his current partner. Just because a person tells their partner they love them, does NOT make them a “vagina” “wimp” or less of a man. If so then you must think my own husband is less than every other man out there for telling me how much he loves me every day and how pretty I am. Also, just because he prefers video games / computers over watching sports, doesn’t make him less of a man. My husband NEVER watches sports and much prefers to tinker with all the computers / iDevices we have. Hell, same with me! We are a proud WoW family! Being into technology doesn’t make one a “loser”.
I believe you are still hung up on your ex because you focus so much energy on comparing him to every man you date. You spend too much energy putting him down to anyone who will listen. For crying out loud. He pays you $500 a month for daycare and has your daughter 4 days / 3 nights EVERY SINGLE WEEK! Sometimes MORE!!! Yet you still demand more as if somehow you’re owed it. Which you’re not. You use him as an excuse for EVERYTHING wrong in your life.
You are SO determined to find a boyfriend that you have sex with ANYONE!!! ANYONEEEE!! You get WASTED with these guys and think they want that to be their girlfriend? The wasted chick from the bar? The slutty girl they met online? I don’t think so.
Yet you comment on my MARRIAGE. Telling me we need counseling the RARE times I complain about stupid stuff that all married couples complain about. Convinced you are an expert on men when you are far from.
I’ve spent HUNDREDS if not close to a thousand on you this year alone. From giving you not one but TWO iPod Touches, to numerous pedicures, meals out, cosmetics… to giving you $150 in cash to help me clean my house and tackle the laundry at the time, to find out you basically picked a few things off the floor and vacuumed only the areas that were easily seen. Keith was FURIOUS I gave you the full amount, he felt you earned maybe $40 if even that. You’ll tell anyone who will listen how super broke you are… because you decided to blow up your credit cards (and open new ones). You lied to our father about me, about your ex, to get him to give you money, and he DID give you money, which you blew as well really. You claim you have NO food to feed your daughter, much less yourself. Yet you spend a FORTUNE on drinking, clothing, cosmetics, and more. In some sort of twisted reality you justify it to yourself.
At the end of the day, this is a vicious cycle we are in and I’m stopping it. I can’t keep taking you back only for you to make me the “bad” twin and you the “savior” twin each and every time. You need to take a hard long look at yourself and FIX YOURSELF. Otherwise you are going to screw up not only your life, but your daughters life too.
I’m done. I want no further contact with you. I’ve explained everything to my oldest son, and there is to be no contact between you and my children.
Maybe when you heal yourself we can have some sort of relationship but I don’t foresee that happening for quite some time.
My love for you can not survive your toxic life.
RT & Share
Click to skip down and add your comment
I am fairly sure I’m going to vomit soon from the stress heh. I am SHAKING after hitting the post button.
I don’t believe everyone will agree with me for sharing this but I think some people will understand why I decided to post this.
I agree, you are so brave to share this — moreover, I admire you so much for having the courage to do it, to draw a boundary to protect yourself and your children from unhealthy behavior. I know it had to be hard. But I also know that having toxic people in your life only drags you down. The best thing for you is separation.
There are times when I’ve felt sorry for myself that I didn’t have any siblings — I always wanted a brother or sister that I could rely on and share things with. Clearly there are worse fates than being an only child! I’m sorry that your sister has been such a negative presence in your life. Maybe one day she’ll be able to turn her life around, and maybe this letter will be a wake-up call to her.
Hang in there, Sarah. Hugs,
Cheryl
It’s SO SCARY! Crazy how a BLOG POST could freak me out so much.
I really hope she gets help sooner rather than later, before she truly hits rock bottom. I’m worried how this is affecting her daughter.
Wow, good on you for posting, bad on her for what she’ll try to do to make you feel bad for it. I support your post.
I am dreading the backlash. As it is I’ve gotten really weird spammy comments and crazy FB page comments.
Hugs! As you know I have a similar situation to you with your sister… But it really sounds like she is trying to “recover” from her break up with wreckless behavior (alcoholism) to deal with the pain.
It also sounds like there may be a touch of Borderline Personality Disorder…
For you, and your sister, I really hope she gets the help she needs. Her actions are a serious scream for help!
You are so brave, Sarah. I can’t imagine the feelings that are running through you right now. I really admire you for sending that to her.
Maybe she wont like it right away, but I hope she’ll come to undestand why you had to do this… for her, and for yourself.
Fear. Relieved. More fear lol.
I don’t foresee her understanding where I’m coming from for a LONG time.
Hello Sarah, I follow you on Twitter and read yout blog though I don’t comment. I just wanted to say I understand why you need to share this, but I also understand how stressful it must be. I think it may be the shock your sister needs to realize she needs help. The only thing I have to say is that you should leave a door open. It is obvious that your sister is suffering a lot and that is why she is self-destructive. You should tell her that if she were to decide to seek help, you’d be there to support her. That is just my opinion though.
I emailed this to her yesterday, got no response, saw on her FB that she was still “going out to have fun”.
I think it will be a long while before she decides to improve herself and the life she is providing for her daughter.
Family or not, when toxic people infect our lives, the only thing you can do is remove them from your life. It’s so tough when it’s not only family, but a sister, especially because of the constant judgment & comparisons, but know that you did the right thing. I had to eliminate my own mother from my life around Christmas… it was a positive thing for all of us, especially my children. Good for you for not only sending this letter, but sharing it. You are stronger than you think!! I wish nothing but the best for you, and your niece.
I was estranged from my mother for a LONG time. We talk now but keep it fairly superficial, we discuss gardening mostly.
It’s hard and I hate seeing my niece being used as a pawn and overall picking up completely inappropriate things for her age (behaviorally). However she is with her father a good part of the week so maybe she will start to improve.
I applaud your strength and honesty. Also, the fact that you are putting the mental health of yourself and your family first. Hopefully this will give your sister something serious to think about — maybe — maybe not. You are now free though..you don’t have to own any of her behavior and simply do not have to participate in her life. All the strength you’ve gained from all you’ve been through brought you here. Trust it and find comfort in knowing you’re doing what you need to do for yourself.
Part of the reason I shared this publicly is sort of to help me from going “back” to the toxic relationship.
In the past I’ve let her do the above (and in some ways, worse), and still “went back”. I think sharing everything will keep me accountable from falling back into an old destructive routine with her.
I think it’s great that you’re willing to be open and honest about the situation. You can’t force someone who is toxic to be non-toxic in your life. You need to focus on what is best for you. and your family. She needs to fix herself before getting involved in someone else’s life, especially making yours more complicating.
It’s scary! I think I’ve used that word a million times in the past 48 hours lol.
Sarah, you were already my hero before I read this. Now, I’m just in awe. Thank you for having the courage to post this. I can just imagine how scary it was for you, but by making it public like this — it helps to make yourself accountable to it. To protect yourself and your family from her reckless behavior is never a bad thing. You are in my thoughts. Please stay strong.{{{HUGS}}}
Thank you so much. It IS scary. I know things won’t change for her, SHE won’t change. Her friends will continue to be her friends, regardless of what I mentioned here, but I needed to get it OUT, if that makes sense.
Sarikins.…
I’ve seen you struggle with this for YEARS.… I hope this is a wake up call to her.… poor G doesn’t need her mama acting like this.… and you don’t need the stress of her toxicity in your very stable very secure life. You’re brave, strong, and amazing, keep your head up girl<3
I know it hasn’t been. I know her circle of friends, even though they’ve read this, are sticking by her and I’m again made out to be the “evil” one.
Her daughter is being shown a REALLY rough path and is learning a VERY bad example of how to be a woman someday.
Love you! You understand more than anyone first hand!
Hugs, Sarah. I hope you can find peace without such a toxic person in your life. Don’t let her problems become yours. (Easier said than done, right?) Sometimes even blood can’t save a relationship.
It’s a SUPER slow process for me to give up the IDEA that just because we are blood, TWINS at that really, that we SHOULD have a relationship because really, the fact of it and our past, shows that it just isn’t meant to be.
You did well, Sarah. That must’ve been one difficult letter to write. Now, as tempting as it may be to see her reaction, have you blocked her email/FB/any other site you both visit? Thought about what you’ll do if she calls or comes by?
On a lighter note, I now have “Scars” by Papa Roach stuck in my head.
Blocked FB today and that’s about it. She never really has emailed me so no need to block there. I don’t foresee her making the 1 1/2hr trip down here to come by and calling, don’t see that happening either.
Besides, I’m fairly sure if she tried to come to the house, my husband would file a trespassing charge, heh.
I already got told last night by a person in her “circle” that NO ONE believes me, she has them convinced I am lying and attacking her for no reason at all. How awful I am.
So that’s their river of denial I suppose.
I LOVE that song lol.
I’m proud of you for writing that letter to your sister. Now make sure that you follow through. I know all too well that doing so can often be hard, even when it is better for you in both the short– and long-term. *hug* Good luck!
I’m slowly accepting that we just have zero in common aside from our obvious biological connection.
You did the right thing for YOU. No matter what other people are telling you, it was the right thing. You thought about yourself, and what would be best for you. Not only that but it is also better that she has no role in your families life as well as yours. I hope she gets the help that she needs.
Thank you so much!
I think that as long as she surrounds herself with enablers, she won’t change. She craves the attention I suppose.
Oh, I have been here. With my sister and with my mother. My sister died in 2009 and as much as I morn for the sister I knew from childhood, I do not regret my decision as she was toxic (with behavior very similar to your sisters multiplied by 1000). In the end, I realized that my health– my mental health was more important than my blood relationship. I posted a letter to my mother on Mom on the Rise when I cut her off too. I wasn’t going to send it, but decided to a year later. http://www.momontherise.com/37-a-letter-that-i-wont-send-but-deserved-writing/
I’ve cut my mother off about 3 times in the past and we’ve come up to #4 which seems to be permanent as I just can’t TAKE much more and still function in my day-to-day life.
I’ve given my sister a million chances and it’s come down to this. I’m just trying to process all of it and accept that even though she is being toxic to herself, her daughter, her friends, that I can’t change it. I can’t fix it.
I am so happy that you did this. I have been following you on twitter & your blog for about a year, I think…and this has always been one of the biggest things we’ve talked about.
You need to remove toxic elements from your life! You absolutely did the right thing. I hope that she wakes up and gets her life in order — not just for the sake of your relationship, but for her daughter and herself as well.
Thank you. I don’t think I could have really done it if it wasn’t for all of the support I’ve been getting these past few months about everything.
I re-read the letter she had originally sent me at the end of January and I don’t know how I didn’t see the problems THEN with being passive-aggressive (a HUGE pet peeve of mine), blaming me for us not talking for months, etc.
Lesson learned totally.
Commenting Guidelines
BasicsOnce your comment is posted it then is the property of OSN. I can edit, format, reuse or delete the comment as I wish, or display it for as long as I wish. I will not necessarily offer reasons or any warning why I have altered or deleted a comment.
Occasionally your comment light be held for moderation, it's not done on purpose, but sometimes WordPress light be confused, I will manually approve your comment as soon as I can, and apologize for the delay.
Email AddressesCorrect email addresses are required. Email addresses will never be published. Email addresses will not be shown in comments. Please leave your correct email address (as in youNOSPAM@domain.com or youREMOVE@domain.com are not correct) it is so I have the ability to reply to your comment via email. I will edit out the NOSPAM or REMOVE in the email field.
What is not acceptableProfanity, poor spelling and grammar, personal attacks, and off-topic comments.
AvatarsThe avatars that are shown are via Gravatar. If you do not have one associated with your email address it will show a default image, however I suggest you sign up to get one since many blogs use this feature!
Commenting Additions You light use the following mark-up within your comments. I only permit XHTML mark-up at this time. Line breaks are converted automatically.(<em> <del> <strong> <pre> <code> <blockquote>)
Leave a Reply
- For the bloggers out there, are you a niche blogger or a memoir blogger? Why did you choose one over the other (if... fb.me/MCqTXjHk | 2 hours ago
- @TouchstoneZ HAHHA omg flashback! | 2 hours ago
- @ohmyveggies just take ibuprofen and excedrin migraine now, I've given up on prescriptions | 3 hours ago
I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for you-that you had to write this letter, I’m sorry your relationship with your sister has become so sour. I pray that she can turn her life around, but I completely understand your need to distance yourself from that.
Trust me. I do. I’ve had to do it. Not from my sisters-but other very close family.
I also think you’re very brave for sharing this publicly.
I hope one day you and your sister can mend your broken relationship and have a happy, healthy, and loving sisterly bond.
xo