too much

Oh where to start. I feel like I have a billion jumbled thoughts all fighting for attention bouncing around right now. Lately I’ve been really evaluating this current pregnancy, the upcoming birth, and babyhood if you will. Even though I co-slept from day one with my son, breastfed him until he self weaned (no pacifiers/formula/bottles/etc), cloth diapered him, was very hands on (didn’t use a crib/swing/bouncy seat, etc), no vax, no CIO, everyone seems SO shocked when I plan on doing the same with the new baby. Or on the other hand take HUGE offense to it and either bitch me out that I am “putting their choices down” or spending 45 min justifying how they parent. I don’t understand that.

I’ve been told by “friends” that I should NOT consider a VBAC (first son was footling transverse breech, found out at 38 wks when I had switched evil OB’s), because after almost 8 years and having a classic “bikini” cut, I “will” have a uterine rupture. Um no. I have researched that extensively and my chances are practically nil.

That I should always keep disposable diapers around for those who refuse to touch a cloth diaper, which boggles my mind since AIO’s or fitteds are just as easy to use.

Another issue I have is that my father, even though I reached out and told him the sex of the new baby and my due date, hasn’t made an effort to contact me or my 7 yr old son. My 7 yr old son’s biological father has made ZERO attempts to call/write/email him. What hurts me even more is that my son has only negative things to say about “daddy” and I use that term very loosely. BD #2’s mother hasn’t made any effort to be pro-active and get to know me, her “step” grandson, or future grandchild. I won’t even get started on how my rather active social life and “friends” disappeared when I became pregnant.

I am trying not to worry about the impending birth (since I still have a few months) but I can already foresee a lack of support and advocacy for me and the baby. This time around I am trying to go with CNM’s but that doesn’t really mean a whole heck of a lot to me really since it will still be a hospital VBAC.

I worry that I have NO clue what to name this baby. I worry that people will go against my wishes and share the sex of the baby with specific IRL individuals that I don’t want to have ANYTHING to do with (or I would have told them myself). I am tired that I feel like it’s a competition on whose pregnancy was worse, whose birth was more/less painful, whose parenting had the most struggles. I am so worn out from people taking everything I do/say for MYSELF and MY children as a personal attack against them and their parenting.

Isn’t it punishment enough that I am so alone during one of the most important times in my life? Apparently self pity isn’t allowed because, again, my pregnancy is NOTHING compared to the difficulties everyone else has had.

drama

So yesterday afternoon, I’m standing outside with the boyfriend, two insane women, and two police officers, and all I could think about was, “do not throw up in front of the officers, hyperemesis or not that would be awful”.

See since I’ve been with my boyfriend, living together, I noticed he had a large volume of stray cats around the house, I also had noticed that someone (not him) was putting out bowls of food and water around OUR house for these cats, which also brought forth skunks, raccoons, and possums. Nothing like trying to go to sleep and hearing a cat vs. skunk fight and having to shut all the windows in the house due to the skunk weaponry.

So back to yesterday, I am sitting on the bed, getting my maternity pants on (always a delight), when the BF comes and tells me, “the crazy cat lady is here!”. I always told him I would unleash the pregnancy rage if she didn’t pack the crap up and stay off our property. I prance outside (as fast as I can at 5 1/2 months pregnant), and I said very nicely to this older female with crazy eyes, “Please get off my property, it makes me feel unsafe that you are trespassing and causing an issue with stray feral animals that could potentially hurt me, my unborn child, or my 7yr old son.” Well she got ALL snappy with me and started to come at me and invaded my personal bubble. Now as any pregnant mother can attest to, you do NOT get into their bubble and make them feel physically threatened. Within 2 seconds flat I am, at the top of my voice, which is loud thanks to a father who is deaf and being Italian heh, stated, “I am PREGNANT and you are HARASSING me and TRESPASSING. You WILL leave NOW or I will call the police”.  Obviously she chose the police route.

So she starts screaming at me, trying to get to the front door because she swears that MY boyfriend, father of my new child, is going to side with her about feeding feral animals around OUR house? Um. Right. Now I told him to stay inside because I had this handled. When she started yelling at me I turned around, went up to my front door, asked the BF for his cell phone. I then called 911, explained the situation, that I had a strange woman feeding feral animals, yelling at me when I asked her to leave, that I was almost 6 months pregnant, and felt threatened. I don’t think CCL (crazy cat lady) thought I was serious until I started to describe her van and shared her license plate number with the 911 operator. She proceeded to get into her van and drive off, I told the operator the direction she was headed in, and as I was about to get off the phone and wait for the officers to arrive, CCL and another, slightly younger woman walked up onto my driveway. Just then the 2 police cars pulled up.

The male officer spoke to the two women while the female officer spoke to me and walked with me around the house and she was horrified to see what the CCL had been up to. Full water bowls, full bowls of dry and wet food, make shift cat houses with foil, and much more. I explained how stressful this was on me and the household overall. I then had the BF come outside because I knew my temper was starting to really rise which makes me nauseated every more heh. The CCL went nuts, going on and on how she actually would capture the animals, PAY out of her own pocket to spay/neuter them and THEN release them back at our house! Instead of taking them to a shelter or no-kill shelter, she was leaving these cats to deal with the harsh Illinois winters (and weather overall), and the aggressive animals in the area that tend to fight with the cats almost nightly.

So then it’s a circle of all of us at the end of the driveway, with the two women telling me I shoot just murder the animals, that I hate cats, (anyone that knows me, knows that isn’t true, we actually have two cats as well currently, one of which sadly has cancer), and just going NUTS. The officers of course sided with me as I am the not insane one. The officers explained that I could press charges if they show up on my property again, especially if the cats seem to still be around even though they have no food source (that we can see).

Yeppers, now if that all made sense I will feel very proud of myself!

k

Why even bother, no one listens.

If It’s Not One Thing….

I really think my body is angry with me for some odd reason. I’ve had a cold for going on three weeks now and it’s going into overdrive lately. I can hardly talk and my voice is hard to hear with a nice gritty tone that makes it super painful to vocalize for the most part. My next OB appointment is on Monday, with everything going on I can’t help but worry that there’s going to be a new problem with this pregnancy. It just isn’t smooth sailing in the slightest bit.

Ah there’s so much I want to say, I just either don’t know how to express myself or I worry too much about what other people think considering my entire family, people from work, old friends, etc visit here and I would feel either condemned or suited to gossip.

Frustrating.

Feeling Overwhelmed

I’ve been having nothing but problems since I became pregnant. If it’s not the hyperemesis then it’s being on bedrest for the past two weeks due to Subchorionic Hematoma. Oh and I’ve been suffering from a wicked cold for the past week. It’s really frustrating because I feel very alone during all of this. Very few people actually I think only… one person from work even asked how I was doing and I’ve been gone for the better part of the month. Just being on bedrest alone is a struggle especially since the weather has gotten very spring like and instead of playing with my son or taking photographs I have to lay in bed all day every day. I’ve actually taken to just shooting photos at my window frame.

Speaking of my son, some of you may recall this entry. Well late February his father called me and told me he simply didn’t want to deal with our son anymore. So Keith and I drove up there (I was barely 10wks pregnant at this point) to pick my son up. My son’s hair hadn’t been cut in months, or his nails. He told us that he only drank pop (I only allow pop at restaurants or one glass with dinner), that “God” was a bad word (just as bad as fuck apparently), that his father never took him to a park, played with him rarely, his main meals were hotdogs, burgers, and mac n cheese. Not even to mention all the other information I found out. I was horrified.His father has not tried contacting his son, not even once. Daniel has stated many times that he wants nothing further to do with his father. No surprise there. So even while on bedrest I took Danny for a physical due to the fact that while in his fathers care he was sick all the time and even had his first ear infection. His health is generally good but the doctor was horrified by what Daniel stated his living conditions were. I also plan on scheduling a dentist appointment soon due to all the pop drinking.

Since he’s been home he goes to the park almost every day, other days he plays with the 9yr old boy across the street. He is doing good in school and his reading (thanks to my sister) has improved. He is overly thrilled when we buy him fresh fruit which kills me. He only lived with his father for five months and came back to me grateful for healthy food. It’s insane really. He got beyond excited when we had taco night and I think tonight he wants Chinese food, stuff he hasn’t had in almost half a year apparently. I could rant about this forever heh.

Anyway, I am going to try to make more of an effort to be around. It just gets super difficult because I am getting so depressed with all of the negative stuff going on. Meh. I had high hopes that I wouldn’t go through another stressful pregnancy and yet here I am. Need to find some positives I just don’t know how.

First OB Appointment with Baby 2

So I had my first OB appointment this morning at the crack of dawn. It was a fairly quick visit, it’s a pleasant surprise actually because with my son I couldn’t get seen by anyone until I was 8 weeks along. So I am just now starting my 5^th week I believe. Everything looks good. I go again in 3 weeks (and again at the crack of dawn) when I will be just about 8 weeks along for all the blood work and an ultrasound. Which again is so different than my first trimester with my son, I was only given an U/S at 20 wks… granted the OB I had with him was pure evil. I threw up for the first time last night, the wet laundry set me off somehow heh. Generally I am just exhausted, sore breasts, and a bit crampy.

I still can’t believe this is happening.

Reason

So I’ve been going through a lot of life issues right now which is why I haven’t really been around at all for the longest time. Super long story short, I made the hardest decision in my life and 2 weeks ago drove to PA so my 6yr old son could live with his father. I have no words to describe how I feel about it. I hurt every moment of every day. I feel so completely and utterly alone.

I so need a hug.

Hello?

Anyone still checking up on me?

time

My grandmother died this morning. I don’t know what else to say.

i’ll be there

Ah right now I am watching some special on TV, “Rock and Roll Circus” and it was during a Beatles segment, sure as fucking hell I have Yoko literally screaming into the mic, the camera pans to the audience who appears to be torn between covering their ears or laughing. Jesus.

Anyway, I had an eventful day that included the ever so much joy of a speeding ticket. Also my son lost his 3^rd tooth as well.

Since I’m loosing the ability to write (or more so my brain has turned to mush) here is a journey into the joy that is youtube.

• WordlessWednesday: Hair Fluffs
• Blast from the Past: Old OSN Designs
• Leap into Spring: Finale
• Leap into Spring: Grass/Green
• Bubbles
• May 2012 Julep Maven It Girl Box
• Life Updates
• Leap into Spring: Rain/Water

• For the bloggers out there, are you a niche blogger or a memoir blogger? Why did you choose one over the other (if... fb.me/MCqTXjHk | 2 hours ago
• @TouchstoneZ HAHHA omg flashback! | 2 hours ago
• @ohmyveggies just take ibuprofen and excedrin migraine now, I've given up on prescriptions | 3 hours ago