Embracing My Fatness

No one is perfect. Everyone dislikes some part of themselves.

For me I could probably narrow it down to a specific few:

• weight
• addictive personality
• sticking in troubled relationships for far too long
• too unorganized

I’ve managed to get out of all the bad relationships in my life so that’s a plus.

Lately I’ve put a lot of my self-worth into how much I weigh. Since having the baby, I’ve gained 60lbs. I didn’t gain much if anything during the pregnancy itself (in fact I lost weight the first 7 months) due to having severe hyperemesis.

It makes me seclude myself because I am not happy WITH MYSELF at this weight.

I am at a loss on “what to do” because I know WHAT to do, but I have such a mental block I suppose. I’ve tried WeightWatchers, calorie counting, etc, and I do VERY poorly because I go to the extreme and eat hardly anything and the foods I WOULD eat (all fat-free, sugar-free, artificial, etc) were very bad for me.

I could tell you how it happened too. A LOT of fast food and apple pies. I didn’t care about what I ate. I was so depressed about having a failed VBAC, lack of interest from my parents and siblings, that I ate my feelings, my rage.

I’m also sedentary. I am so uncomfortable walking in our neighborhood simply because we have no sidewalks and due to the never ending construction, cars just barrel down our street like it’s an action movie.

It doesn’t help that I developed quite the soda habit when I lived with Daniel’s bio-father. All he and his family drank was pop and I’ve never been able to fully kick it since then. Granted I drink “diet” pop but still, it’s bad for me and I know this.

If I’m stressed, Gods help us if there is apple pie, peach cobbler, or vanilla ice cream in the house. If all else fails, something super cheesy will get me through. Naturally I don’t ENJOY what I’m eating because I eat it SO QUICKLY that my mouth, my brain, my body, doesn’t have time to register what the heck is happening. Doesn’t matter if I feel “full” because you know, the food does TASTE good so I keep eating.

I’ve had issues with my weight starting in highschool but it really didn’t kick into high gear until my pregnancy with my oldest son. His bio-father was never into fresh healthy food so I had to learn how to cook with a LOT of ground meat, potatoes, and limited vegetables. My last trimester with him (once the hyperemsis eased a bit) was full of pancakes and bacon.

I’ve lost and gained 100lbs more times than I would like to think about and usually by really unhealthy means.

I suppose at the core of it, I don’t trust myself to eat normally. After years of diets and WeightWatchers, I associate so many foods as being “bad”.

I wish I was able to embrace my weight, who I am NOW rather than a future thinner self.

So lovely readers, I would appreciate your stories, your suggestions. I know I’m not alone! What is the solution? How does one “fix” their mindset? I don’t think I can handle another “it’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle!” tagline thrown at me.

Working On Getting Healthier

I’ve talked about my weight here at OSN on and off over the years. I’ve done and redone Weight Watchers more than I care to admit and I have FINALLY figured out what works for me.

My Fitness Pal is basically a calorie counting site but just overall, calories is a HECK of a lot easier than figuring out Weight Watchers Points. By clicking that link it’ll take you to my profile and you can see what I eat on a day to day basis. I don’t tend to eat breakfast very often simply because we are nocturnal right now so I’m not even AWAKE for breakfast. However I tend to go for cereal, I really like the Kashi brands because they are crunchy… that and Kix.

I started at MFP July 1^st, 2011.

So combined with this 9lb loss, I’ve lost since LAST July a total of 39lbs. It was VERY slow going and most MONTHS… NOT going at all when doing Weight Watchers. I think because they still had my caloric intake SO HIGH, seriously, I get the whole “safe” 1-2lbs AT MOST a week is best, but still eating 2800 – 3000 calories a day to make my weight loss “slower” isn’t the best way to go about it either.

I think Weight Watchers can and does work, to a degree, however it just didn’t work with ME as much as I tried to become one with the program, I just couldn’t get behind the cryptic math of it.

In the past, I’ve always felt I HAD to lose weight to get approval, especially from my estranged twin sister, who had me almost convinced I would NEVER find a good job (when I was still working outside the home), never EVER find anyone interested me (look me, all married and stuff), that unless I was thinner, I was a waste of an existence.

Combined with my mother being obsessed on and off about weight, my father being over 500lbs, and eating REALLY poorly when I was with DS1’s bio-father (LOTS of fast food, pop, etc), really formed some awful habits of mine and bad thought processes when it came to food.

Over the years I’ve really worked on finding local and sustainable food products. I shop at the local farms and farmers market until Winter, I cook from scratch, however I still have a hardcore affair with pop. Specifically Coke Zero.

Anyway, my husband is also doing MFP with me and he has lost 4lbs so far!

I haven’t been able to use our treadmill because it’s blocked right now in our living room by furniture as my husband is working on painting the walls and such, however, I do have an iFit for the treadmill and might try the C25K app on my iPhone once I can access it again.

I’ve also made a new friend through all of this, FatChickFedUp. I highly recommend her blog, it’s crammed full of honesty goodness!

If you’re on MyFitnessPal, go ahead and friend me!

If you have any favorite food blogs, cookbooks, your own personal recipes, that are not only delicious but good FOR you, link up and share!

Fresh Start

I rejoined WeightWatchers today.

Any blogs, tips, suggestions, what have you… would be wonderful.

I’m going to become BFF 4 LYFE with my treadmill at this point.

Anyone else struggling with or working on losing weight or becoming healthier overall?

Weighty Dilemma

Remember how I said I was starting Weight Watchers again? Yeah… going to cancel and go back to counting calories.

As much as I love the WW interface and iPhone app… I seem to be GAINING weight and it’s only week two!

Week one I lost 1.8lbs but then again that was the week of AF so it was most likely water weight. This morning I peeked at the scale and saw I GAINED weight.

WTF.

I went and entered in everything I’ve eaten recently into a calorie counter and saw that I was eating 2,000 – 2,500 calories a day! So even though I was spot on with my WW points, I was eating at a level that caused me to not only NOT lose weight but GAIN. I need to eat somewhere between 1,500 – 1,800 calories to lose weight at a slow yet steady rate.

So back to MyFitnessPal. My twin sister and her best friend are doing it as well so I have semi-local offline support that will be doing it with me.

Would LOVE more MFP friends though (if you’re an ACTIVE user), here’s My Fitness Pal Profile.

Weigh-In

Just a quick post! Since re-starting MyFitnessPal a week and a half ago, I’ve lost 6.2lbs!

Meh

Only posting to keep up with NaBloPoMo… just a crappy night as I got AF and ate a LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT over my calories on Portillo’s for dinner. Back on track in the morning but not sure how to try to make it “not so bad” over the next week or so, especially when I have ZERO energy to workout.

Sarah’s Test Bunny of Doom…
Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred

Sarah has asked me to guest blog about the beatings and other joyness I will be suffering through in the next 30 days with my weight loss Jillian beatings.

I have always been a thicker girl, even hitting obese for my BMI (I’m 5’11″). I finally said enough is enough back in 2006 and joined Weight Watchers.  I went from 228lbs to 166lbs. I worked out to Biggest Loser DVDs and followed WW plan.

Then came the holy one (my daughter)… Miss Galina herself!

Boom! 70lb pregnancy gain! 8 weeks after I popped her from the womb, I rejoined WW and lost almost all of the weight again.

Currently I am at 193.3lbs.  

What happened?! Stress my sister’s minions/followers… stress.  We DiLullo’s stress eat like no one’s business! I went from about 175lbs to 198.2lbs in about 5 months.  Puh I tell ya… PUH!

NO MORE! Joined Gold’s Gym right before Christmas 2010 and been going faithfully with my soulmate, Melissa.  We both also started WW at that time as well. I am currently 193.3lbs… so a 4.9lb loss in 4 weeks… not bad! My short term goal is 170lbs, long term 155lbs.

So… whew! All that back story just to get to what this post is about, Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred.  Sarah is, of course, the one who brought it to my attention.  As I am her test bunny… in well… everything… she thought it was a great idea to have me do this and tell the world my suffering.

I am currently on day 2 of Level 1.  There are 3 levels of these 20 minute workouts.  You do each level for 10 days (hence 30 day). Supposedly people swear by this workout.

Day 1 — tried to kill me. I had to stop and take a break.  Me stop and take a what?! A break?! Nooo… but yes. Everything hurt, everything. I felt like I had inside bruises.

Day 2 — not so bad.  I didn’t have to stop.  I was able to control my breathing and not look like and feel like I was going to collapse.

I am on my short term mission with a completion date of May 31, 2012.   I have a goal to start this summer looking (as one dude once said to Melissa) BANGIN’!

Ali is a badass single mom to the amazingness that is 3 year old Galina and even with her current super sad job loss… still is focused on losing her chunkies and squishies!