My mother left numerous comments on the post I wrote a few days ago, Yeah, My Mom Abused me, How About Yours?”.
At first I left them published but then they got more and more… weird. So I put them back as pending. I know some people already have read them while they were still published or they were subscribed to the comments so they got them in their email. I’ve since decided that since she posted public comments on a public post that it’s appropriate to share them, I’m sure some of you are curious what her response was.
I’ve not edited them in any way, not even for grammar or punctuation. I apologize for the all caps, that’s just how she writes online. I did bold the parts I thought were the MOST… bizarre… to me anyway.
I know not everyone agrees with my decision to post ANY of my past, much less the response I’ve gotten from my mother, however, I am doing my best to process and heal. For me that means no longer hiding it. I still do feel a lot of shame stemming from everything though. I feel dirty and WRONG because I know now, more so than I did THEN, how very wrong it was to have a parent do and say the things that were done and said to me. I’ve not brought up her relationship with my brother because there really wasn’t one. He left when he was 13yrs old and was basically raised by our father. To my knowledge, he really hasn’t had a ton of contact with her since.
Also, funny enough, I found a thread on a message board about her, how she stole, lied, and committed fraud (for gardening things and on Ebay). That was weird for me, seeing OTHER people see her as an online “troll”. Weird to have that as your parent!
Some parts of comments are a bit confusing (stuff she brings up) so I explained them using footnotes.
I’m not surprised she brought my father up and even though we’ve had our issues, he has since than more than made up for it by letting my child and I live with him, rent-free, for six years (when I was a single mom to DS1) and has helped me a lot over the past 10 years. He also has never lied to me about the past, made excuses for his past behavior, or threatened to kill me or expose me to sex shops or pornography as a child. He was only in my childhood up until the age of 10 and I saw him sporadically after that until I was 20 years old with my then new baby and moved into a 3-bedroom apt with him and my son’s bio-dad.
Also? She only lives 7hours and 45minutes away from me. We live in the day and age of mail service, email, video, phone, etc.
- Not true. I have been diagnosed with depression though, no wonder heh [↩]
- Sadly, she did. This is right when I got out of the hospital for mono. I was on the couch when my lawyer called me about it and then ended up staying at my best friend’s house because I was so scared. [↩]
- This also isn’t exactly true. I was the driver but my brother, sister, and brother’s friend were in the car. Brother’s friend pulled the wheel. I hit some concrete and broke the axle. I took responsibility and admitted fault. [↩]
- Yep, she got less than two hundred a week in child support which she would spend on china or linens. She didn’t have a job from when I was about 11 until long after I left at 17 years old. Which meant my sister and I didn’t have money for lunches or clothes. Generally my father would send large checks for birthdays and holidays so we could buy clothes and such for the rest of the year. I also worked two jobs, Taco Bell and Baskin Robbins yo! [↩]
- Yep, she did say she dreamed of burning me alive to two police officers. It’s how she ended up in the psych ward for 48hrs and how my sister and I ended up in the shelter the first time. [↩]
- Not bipolar, I’ve been tested because I do worry since my mother is bipolar. I have been diagnosed with depression though, not “deep” depression. I also have issues with PTSD and anxiety after the traumatic pregnancy and birth of my second child. [↩]
- I doubt the police officers that picked me up from my then boyfriend’s house, who would later end up being the bio-father to my first son, would make that up. I was even tested and searched for cocaine because they said “Your mother told us you were dealing and doing cocaine so we had to pick you up.” [↩]
- I’ve always said I have issues moving on from my traumatic past. Yep! [↩]
- Huh? No words for this one. [↩]
- She didn’t take her medication during this period of time, it wasn’t until a long time after did she take medication consistently [↩]
- She lived 4 hours away from me for over a year. She made the journey to visit my niece. Ok… [↩]
- I really am lost here. I RARELY talked back. I wasn’t perfect. I ran away from home at 17 because I couldn’t handle waiting until I was 18. I’ve been arrested when I was a minor. Yep [↩]
- Uh. Talking about MY direct past isn’t something I can be sued for, pretty sure about that, however, bring it on. [↩]
- Covered this already. [↩]
- Again with my sister? [↩]
- Wow. My husband just LOVED this bit. [↩]
- Not sure where this all comes from. My son has been in school the whole year, granted I have issues with the education but that’s my perspective. Really confused about this. [↩]
- Again, confused. One of these days I’ll post photos of their overflowing bookcases and closets. Not sure where that all stems from. [↩]
- Wow, THIRD TIME about my sister. Not sure when she’s been there for me much less during a crisis situation. She did help pay my co-pays to my then OB when I was pregnant with my oldest 10+ years ago though. She also paid for an emergency tooth extraction in 2006 as well for me. [↩]
- More about my sister. I guess they had an epic conversation about me apparently. Didn’t know I lost her either. News to me. [↩]
So basically, I’m an awful daughter, sister, mother, and wife. My makeup is destroying EVERYONE. OH and everything was my fault. Gotcha! It’s all so clear now! Oh and I’ll end up alone forever. I know that’s a bit sarcastic. Coping mechanism for the win!
Seriously though, I didn’t expect an apology. I do wonder why she skipped over all the sexual stuff she said/did (Honestly? That wasn’t even the worst of it, I only covered one year in that post). I actually don’t grasp 80% of what she said because it just didn’t make sense to me. I really wasn’t surprised how many times she brought up my twin sister. She’s always made it crystal clear that she favored her.
I’m not sure how I, as a child, could have provoked her enough, what I DID to cause this. Seriously, how did 4yr old ME somehow FORCE my mother to toss cold medicine in my face (when I refused to drink it) and call me a little bitch. Or a 6yr old me being told (as I was told my entire life with her) that she wished she had an abortion with me. Even when I was a teenager… I didn’t talk back or put her down. I recall a few of my friends witnessing some of her… moments. Yes I ended up running away. Yes I ended up dropping out of high school (I then worked 2 jobs). I’m not sure how that “earned” or “deserved” what went on from birth until 18.
I do wonder if I can handle posting about my past, any part of it, again. It’s hard to open up like this and feel judged for it. I know it has to make some people feel uncomfortable, especially if they grew up in a healthy or even semi-healthy environment with their parents or caregivers. However, maybe someone can relate to what I went through and know they aren’t alone.
I promise, I’ll go back to my fluffy posts from now on!