07-08

2010

I Gave Up on Having a Mom

Now granted, that’s not possible in the biological sense but in the emotional sense? I finally released myself from desiring a healthy relationship with my mother.

I grew up in an abusive household. I have very few memories from my childhood. My counselor from when I was a teenager told me I was repressing the trauma. Fantastic.

I do remember being 5 or maybe 6 years old and refusing to take some liquid medicine (I can only assume I had a cold?) and having my mother throw the medicine in my face, calling me a little bitch, and making me take a bath while blaming me for her actions.

I was always labeled the “bad one”, which, being a twin, seems to hurt a bit more for some reason. I could do no right, I was always being told how she wished she could have aborted me, how I reminded her of my father. I was always to blame for HER struggles in life.

She informed me on my 15^th birthday that she had married a man I had never met, who was in jail at the time, by running to the bank and asking me to “grab my new marriage license from the glove box!”.

She would lament on what an awful daughter I was to anyone who would listen. I was a dropout from high school (I worked two fast food jobs instead), yet every time I came to her for educational support, I was ignored or hit or screamed at. She would tell people I was an alcoholic or doing drugs but then buy me wine coolers and cigarettes. She would accuse me of being a thief while taking the child support checks she got from my father and spending them on antique dishes or fabrics.

I will skip over the numerous times that she sent me to teen shelters (while “keeping” my twin sister), or how she had no problem driving me to the airport to live with a guy I met online (who ended up being DS1’s abusive bio-dad, ironic).

Our relationship once I became a mother became off and on. She would tell me that I was doing a great job with my son and then gossip maliciously behind my back, about my breastfeeding, co-sleeping, overall attachment parenting in general.

By the time I became pregnant with DS2, she tried to get back into my good graces. She would send me boxes and boxes of baby clothes she won from auctions, of which I was grateful. Granted, the majority of the clothing is in storage because it was seasonally inappropriate (a thick winter jacket sized for the middle of summer). However I appreciated the effort involved as I was so sick and on bedrest that I couldn’t go out shopping.

Then it turns out the clothing had “strings” attached. Every time I didn’t email her quick enough, or answer her phone calls, I would get an email or a voicemail attacking me or trying to make me feel guilty for not responding. How she spent money purchasing those baby clothes, so I OWED her now. That again, I was a terrible daughter for putting her through so much.

She met my first son when he was 18 months old. She has never met my second son. She didn’t ever make an effort to be their grandmother. They have no grandmother really as both my mother and their bio-father’s mothers’ never took an interest in them.

It kills me. I had a very close relationship with my maternal grandmother and had always wanted that for my boys.

By the time December of 2009 had rolled around. I had enough. It had me completely stressed out. I would panic every time I saw her number appear on my caller id, dreaded the mail arriving for fear of another written letter on how much of a disappointment I was to her. She made false promises to my oldest son about gifts she would send him but never would. It tore at me how excited he would get to see the mail truck arrive, only to NOT receive the “promised toys”.

I decided to cut her out of our lives. I didn’t want my children being exposed to her toxic nature.

Life has overall been peaceful since I made that choice. Granted, she will still send me emails, or I have my sister notify me of what our mother is saying about me. I try to take into account that my brother has also cut her out of his life so it can’t just be ME and MY thinking. I just try and ignore it. I don’t respond.

Whenever I would try to bring up the abuse she did to me, she would blame my father, blame DS1’s bio-dad, blame her mother (my grandmother)… she never takes any accountability for HER actions.

Snippets from Recent Emails

I AM THE ONLY MOTHER YOU WILL EVER HAVE.I AM DEEPLY HURT BY YOUR SILENCE. I AM MAKING A WILL. IF I DONT HEAR FROM YOU SOON I WILL LEAVE EVERYTHING I HAVE TO YOUR SISTER.

YOU DID TERRIBLE THINGS TO ME GROWING UP, BUT I DONT HOLD THEM AGAINST YOU OR THINK ABOUT THEM. LET THE PAST STAY IN THE PAST! THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS. GOD FORBID SOMETHING WOULD EVER HAPPEN TO KEITH. WHAT WOULD YOU DO? WHO WILL BE THERE FOR YOU ?????

I FEEL USED AND ABUSED. TO HAVE TWO ADULT CHILDREN OF MINE TURN THEIR BACKS ON ME I CAN NEVER FORGIVE THEM. I CERTAINLY DONT DESERVE THE WAY THEY HAVE TREATED ME FOR YEARS. I LEAVE THEM NOTHING BEHIND WHEN I DIE. IT ALL GOES TO YOU.

The worst would come from the written letters. Full of vile and hate really.

Would I want a relationship with my mother today? No. I don’t trust her. I, in some ways, even fear her.

Would I want my children to have a relationship with their grandmother? Yes. However, l don’t want my children getting hurt. She has already displayed her lack of interest in my children over the last 8 years. She has expressed that she feels that way partly because they are boys (she vastly prefers my niece, her granddaughter who she made an effort to visit as a baby).

How is your relationship with your parents? If you have them, with your in-laws?

archived under: Thoughts

{82 comments}

07-06

2010

The Lotus

archived under: Photography

{91 comments}

07-05

2010

Bloggers Fear Themselves

Are you scared to hit publish on your latest post?

Lately I’ve come to the realization that as a blogger, you tend to be one of two people.

The “tell-it-like-it-is” blogger, doesn’t mind confrontation, and can handle 200 comments calling them an evil bitch and still manages to sleep peacefully at night.

The “play-it-nice” blogger, refrains from posting anything TOO confrontational, and if in the heat of passion hits publish on their post, freaks out that someone will post a mean comment, doesn’t sleep well for a week, and will revise their live post many times over to make everyone happy.

I’ve been on both sides. The first six or so years of blogging I said what was on my mind with no issue. Most of my “drama” came from offline sources. The only nasty comments I’ve really ever received came from DS1’s bio-father and his friend.

However, in the past three years I’ve slowly started to censor what I say. I play nice, I don’t post anything controversial, I agonize on what to post to make everyone happy, and usually, no one pays attention anyway.

We have created a society of blogger fear. If you say too much about your job, they could fire you. If you bring up family matters, they will call you or email you freaking out and screaming. If you blog about your friends, well then, you might be very lonely on the weekends.

We have created a society of artificial personalities. You play nice hoping it will give you more hits, more readers, more followers. You worry if you post ANYTHING that may conflict with another persons sensibilities, they may no longer like you, follow you, and no longer comment on your posts.

Back in April, I posted 24 Facts About Myself and the next day got forwarded an email from my sister that our mother sent her with the following:

WHEN YOU HAVE TIME TODAY GO READ SARAHS BLOG ON ONESTARRYNIGHT. SHE SAYS AND I QUOTE, I HAVENT SPOKEN TO OR HAD CONTACT WIH MY MOTHER SINCE DECEMBER. LIFE IS MUCH MORE PEACEFULL NOW. THAT REALLY WOUNDED ME. I FEEL USED AND ABUSED. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. TO HAVE TWO ADULT CHILDREN OF MINE TURN THEIR BACKS ON ME I CAN NEVER FORGIVE THEM. I CERTAINLY DONT DESERVE THE WAY THEY HAVE TREATED ME FOR YEARS. I LEAVE THEM NOTHING BEHIND WHEN I DIE. IT ALL GOES TO YOU. MOM

This really bothered me for a variety of reasons but that a tiny snippet of what I wrote could cause such an intense reaction threw me for a loop. Granted I really could write an epic post on how I grew up and the emails I’ve received from my mother.

It doesn’t matter WHAT you blog about, someone will take issue with it. Someone you don’t even KNOW will feel like YOU are attacking them personally.

If you post about breastfeeding, you will most likely get a few comments from mothers who will tell you “formula is just fine” or “how dare you make me feel bad about my choice to formula feed!”.

If you post on how people always use the word “privileged” when talking about being a SAHM, people will come out of the woodwork and even try to turn it into a matter about race or physical handicaps.

Don’t get me started on the RSS feed debate, partial or full? You will find people arguing for both sides. You are never RIGHT.

Not to say that posting something honest or even controversial, will automatically bring forth negative responses.

When I recently posted about embracing my fatness, I got a lot of great comments, helpful comments, and supportive comments. I will admit I wasn’t too pleased to see that a lot of people assume being fat = eating crap all day long, but overall, I found the response I got to be positive.

I’ve met some AMAZING people in the past nine years that without OSN, would never have happened.

So why then do we censor ourselves, if generally, no matter what we say, someone will take issue with it? Because at the end of the day we just want to feel connected to other people. We want friends, we want to KEEP the friends we already have, and not cause any waves. We want to be liked.

Do you censor yourself on your blog? Why or why not?

Also, just because I’m curious, have you ever had to deal with a negative reaction because of your blog, or had to deal with rude comments, twitter messages, emails, and such stemming from your online life? How did you handle it?

archived under: Blogging

{87 comments}

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I'm Sarah, mom of two sweet boys, Daniel & Tristan. I'm passionate about Attachment Parenting & photography. Why don't you learn more about me! Follow me on Twitter, stay up to date using the RSS feed, even subscribe via email, or connect with me on FaceBook and the OSN forum!

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Personal

Fought for a VBAC and lost
"She proceeded to make the comment “I know the situation, and because of that I’m not feeling sympathetic” in reference to Sarah leaving the hospital AMA and not accepting a repeat c-section previously, and to the massive amounts of pain she was in."
Vent - VBAC Scare Tactics
"He then recanted and said, “well maybe it’s not a law, but I’ll tell you NO hospital will ALLOW you to VBAC without it”. Right ok, so first fear tactic and lie."
I had TWO c-sections
"It’s hard because sometimes I almost feel shame or guilt that BOTH of my c-sections were medically needed."
Who Am I?
"I went from a victim, a weak worthless nothing to a MOTHER. I went from being a punching bag to a protector and then lost myself yet again."

Tweets

@PoorParenting basically homeschooling follows a curriculum and unschooling allows the child to self-learn #

@PoorParenting following her and sent her a ton of DM's lol #

@hearmeoutx public schools place huge emphasis on reading at a specific age. #

@hearmeoutx I really don't hold stock in add or ADHD. He seems to be more of a visual learner, like myself. I'm not worried however #

@hearmeoutx what is IEP and reading wise? He doesn't like to sit still and do it. He would rather be WATCHING a star wars movie than read it #

I would appreciate your feedback on my post about my #unschooling child that wants to try to go back to #publicschool http://bit.ly/d8xdnK #

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