June 19th 2003 / 2 minutes to read

I have so many thoughts swirling in my brain. Hard to focus on just one. So many stresses, so many worries, so many what-ifs…

I can’t seem to handle anything anymore. I want to just curl in a ball and make everything go away. I feel like I am just shutting down.

I am positive I will not be able to make my goal money by the time I need to move. I doubt I will be allowed to keep my car, not like I even have a lisense anymore, not like I can get one without fixing my AZ record which I keep having to re-mail for, the car hasn’t even been driven since Matt left. I feel like… I am trapped here. That Daniel will never be able to experiance a happy, a healthy, a safe life, because his stupid mother fucked up and allowed the move to Illinois to happen.

I don’t know of any other way to get the money I need, as fast as I need it. I do not have a way of getting a job outside of the home. I am not leaving my son with abusive people. I am not going to pay people to watch my son and ignore him and try to make him sleep all day so they don’t have to interact with him.

I just want to scream and cry.

I want to make it all go away.

I seriously feel as though I am going to snap if I don’t get out of here soon.

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Right when you think things are at their worst, something happens to make things better.  It might be a very … very small something; but something happens. If I’ve learned anything in my short life, thats it.

Reply to Ria

I dont know your situation, but I can tell that you are a pretty strong person.  Raising your little one will make sure of that!  He isnt going to remember these “tight” situations at his age… but his feeling of you taking care of him will make him stronger in the long run.  I have been in a situation similar to yours and I can tell you that you are building your child’s personality with everything you do now.  Even if you are not aware that he is watching & learning.  You might even learn something yourself (I am sure you dont have to be told that).

Money is tight here as well, but I put a shout out on my blog for you.  People will rally if enough of us do that.

You will get through this and you and your child will be stronger for it!  I promise.

Email if there is anything I can do…

Reply to Diana

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