I’ve never really had a positive thought about my body until AFTER I had my first son. Oh and I need to lose 100lbs.
Growing up my mother was always yo-yo dieting and when I hit puberty (ugh joy) and gained some weight, I was right away told I was getting “fat” and that I needed to restrict my eating.
Bring forth highschool where I worked for Baskin Robbins and Taco Bell (at the same time) where I had access at no cost a TON of junk food. Also in our high school there were pop and snack machines everywhere so I used to drink a can of coke in EVERY class to keep myself awake.
At this time I knew I was a bit overweight but still had pretty high self-esteem. I felt pretty most of the time, had no problem socializing, and really didn’t think about my weight much if at all.
Fast forward a bit to when I was with Daniel’s biological “father” and all he and his family drank was pop (his VERY diabetic mother as well) so since I liked pop well enough, even though we never really had it IN the home, I picked up that habit REAL quick.
I then became pregnant with my oldest son. When he was just barely a year old I found out his biological “father” had been involved with one or more sexual relationships outside of OUR relationship (we were engaged). I would wonder if I wasn’t thin enough, pretty enough, GOOD enough. Once I kicked him out, within 5 months I lost around 80lbs, naturally. No diet, no restrictions. I felt FANTASTIC. I was healing emotionally and seeing myself as being gorgeous.
A little bit less than a year later I permitted him to move back in with me and regained all of that weight within 4 months PLUS some. I even joke today that he made me fat.
Let’s skip past when that relationship died (thank god right!) and when I dropped 40lbs and met my life partner Keith. By this time, even with my scary stretch marks, my sagging breasts, my c-section scar, and my fatness, and had fairly normal self-esteem.
I then became pregnant with my baby son. Put on bedrest for pretty much the entire pregnancy. Ended up with another awful c-section.
During the pregnancy where I gained NO weight (had hyperemesis from week 4 through the birth), where I was told by family, by the medical professionals, that I was FAT. I needed to NOT EAT SO MUCH, (um remember… hyperemesis? Not eating was NOT a problem). I was told I needed a repeat c-section because I was FAT. Yep super valid reason there right.
Due to that emotional (and physical) trauma, I feel just awful about my body. Granted it doesn’t LOOK any different really. A bit bigger from the weight I gained AFTER the pregnancy.
I look at my belly that contains two scars on it’s uterus and covered in stretch marks and I am torn between being amazed that it housed two amazing little boys and feeling angry that I am told often by society that I am not worth much, that I am “ugly” because I’m not thin.
Going from being overweight in highschool and NEVER having that be an issue to being an adult and seeing all the media thrown at our children by society… it hurts me.
So how do I cope? I eat right, (most of the time anyway), I quit Weight Watchers, I talk about my issues about my body to my boyfriend, and realized that I need to start LIKING myself the way I am now. I may never think my stretch marks are beautiful or feel special when the baby is pinching my fat rolls while giggling hysterically, yet I like to think I have some redeeming qualities somewhere!
Of course, I wouldn’t mind losing that 100lbs either.