Chained Up

March 12th 2010 / 2 minutes to read


As I mentioned before and as Code Name: Mama recently blogged about, there seems to be a lot of depression running around lately.

I try and talk to Keith often about how I’m feeling which does help, it means that I am acknowledging the issue.

I reset all of our internal clocks so that we are up all day and sleep at night. Previously we were completely flipped and very nocturnal. Also having the weather improve, DOES HELP. I need fresh air (which drives everyone nuts because I always have a window partially open ALL YEAR LONG) and with the improved weather I can not only BE outside, but have all the windows open INSIDE to air the house out.

I’ve been trying to shoot more photos lately. I want to get back into doing more portrait photography but aside from the kids, have no willing adult subjects!

I know part of my depression stems from the traumatic birth I had with Tristan. Just the other day I had a flashback to one of the ER residents saying (and doing) very cruel things to me about a week before I went into actual labor.

Part of it is feeling a bit “lost” or “alone”. I am still trying to process how I lost 98% of my social circle when I became pregnant with Tristan. It makes me feel used in some ways. I think within the first trimester everyone stopped calling, texting, emailing, etc.

When you’re depressed (aside from clinical depression which may need medication for imbalance issues), how do you adjust your thinking, how you FEEL? What sure fire way brings a smile to your face?

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I’ve noticed this year has been hard on everyone emotional wise it seems. I am taking prozac since my last pregnancy, since I was very depressed during that time and I have stayed on it but still have some days that I still get down. This winter I have been snowed in so much that I havent gotten out much afraid of falling while pregnant. Also we are down to one car so getting out is hard and I dont have a lot of friends. I actually got to go for a walk yesterday with my girls and it felt good to get outside. I have also started writing in a paper journal again and find that helps.. I also started a book for my kids that will be about their births and things while growing up and pictures, I’ve been finding a lot of comfort in that lately…

We’re trying to get me outside more, it’s hard after being INSIDE for practically an entire year in bed, to get used to being OUTDOORS again! I think that is a great idea, to just go for a walk. I always feel better when I’ve gotten fresh air.

I recently mentioned something similar on LJ. I was pretty depressed myself until recently. So much happened in the past year and I just didn’t know if I’d ever get through it. Thankfully things are starting to look up for me though. The weather has lots to do with it. Being stuck in the house all winter is enough to drive anyone crazy.

When I was pregnant with Ethan most of my friends stopped contacting me too. None of them were parents. I just assumed they figured I wouldn’t be much fun now that I’m a Mom. I mean what else could it be?

You know, I was actually going to ask you if you’d mind photographing me. I hate the way I look when people photograph me. But I just know you’d do me some justice. I really would love to set up a photo shoot. I want a really nice professional looking photo to display on my new veg site. I bet it would be a lot of fun! I’d even be willing to pay you!

Going for long drives/road trips, long walks, going for coffee… those usually always make me happy. I also love cooking. Although sometimes it stresses me out more. Usually if I mess something up.

Oh girl I feel you! It’s been one hell of a year for both of us!

See for me, it made no sense because I was already a parent when they met me! So how my having another baby got them to drop me, makes no sense at all, except that I wasn’t able to just hang out or be at their beck and call.

Oh you know I would LOVE to photograph you! We took a long drive yesterday and made it as far as Bloomington before turning back so hopefully soon we can meet up somewhere!


I said the same thing to Dionna. I eat cake. It really makes me feel better. I also get away for awhile from my life. I go out to see a movie on my own, for instance. Also I have a set night put aside for me every week. Usually I have gone out with friends but recently I have actually been going to a therapy group. But anything that gets you out of your head will help. I think anyway. Hugs Sarah. xx

Reply to Melodie

I’ve been trying to shoot more lately which does help I think, getting out of the house totally helps. Just removing myself from the same 4 walls lol. I just keep reflecting on what it was like this time LAST year. Which doesn’t help I’m sure.


I wish I could offer you some sort of insight but I’m going through the same thing right now. I hope that you start to feel better soon, hun.

Is the photography helping? Sometimes even if it doesn’t help me feel better necessarily it definitely helps to have an outlet for my feelings.

Reply to Caity

The photography helps somewhat… it’s still hard though because I base myself so much in nature photography that when it’s so brown and dead out still… hard for me to get inspired.


Many hugs, mama. I know that a part of my funk was related to (a lack of close) friendships. This week I a) had 2 mama friends (with their kids) over for dinner (Tom went over to a friend’s house); and b) invited a couple (with their kids) over to our house for dinner for next week – so I’m trying on that front.

This evening I sat in Starbucks for almost 2 hrs while Tom took Kieran out and about. I didn’t get as much done as I’d hoped, but it was nice to get out of the house. Really nice.

I hope you find something that works for you!

Reply to Dionna

Oh yes, lack of close friendships (I believe I have TWO really). It’s hard that we really have no parent friends around here and even then to find someone who even remotely parents the way we do… it’s hard.


Pity you don’t live nearby! I would pose for you anytime :P Not to mention I’d love to have another “fleshy world” friend!

I’ve been dealing with depression since I lost the job I was promised in Jan.’09. Sometimes its manageable and sometimes I just literally stay in bed for days. The biggest factor in my happiness is feeling like I’m DOING something in my life. So I’ve been pushing myself to do more things that I love and to do them WELL. Things like blogging, photography, school, cooking, etc. And like I think I’ve said before, I try to get out of the house. Changing up my surroundings -really- helps break up the monotony and puts me in a better mood. Even just an hour away from home, whether alone or with a friend, improves my day ten fold.

Reply to Keeshia

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