I haven’t really been doing much online or off. The other day Matt felt the need to IM me, call me a slut, tell me I ruined his life, etc. So I am really torn up with that.
I am feeling so utterly alone these days, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Even when surrounded by people (which is rare to none) I feel empty. My self esteem is nilch. I just do not know how to make anything better. I lost myself along the way I suppose. I had every single detail planned out, at least the major events. Now I find out how everything was a lie. I try not to think about it, doesn’t help much.
Most people do not understand, they do not want to understand. I never chose to be like this, to feel this way, to live in this manner. I was never like this, I was overall perky as all hell, would actually laugh each single day. I rarely would have to cry. Now look at me, a sobbing mess each day and the only time I get a passing smile is if my son does something adorable.
People always seem to ask me what I want them to do, what can they do to help me. I wish I knew. More than anything I wish I could say, “I would like you to ___”, and then, everything would somehow be okay again. To work through the layers of emotions, to find out what it is to cause me to still be in so much pain. Is it the betrayal? The act itself? What happened to me? Where did I go? How the Hel am I supposed to get myself to come back? All questions, no answers. I doubt anyone really knows the answers.