I haven’t really been doing much online or off. The other day Matt felt the need to IM me, call me a slut, tell me I ruined his life, etc. So I am really torn up with that.

I am feeling so utterly alone these days, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Even when surrounded by people (which is rare to none) I feel empty. My self esteem is nilch. I just do not know how to make anything better. I lost myself along the way I suppose. I had every single detail planned out, at least the major events. Now I find out how everything was a lie. I try not to think about it, doesn’t help much.

Most people do not understand, they do not want to understand. I never chose to be like this, to feel this way, to live in this manner. I was never like this, I was overall perky as all hell, would actually laugh each single day. I rarely would have to cry. Now look at me, a sobbing mess each day and the only time I get a passing smile is if my son does something adorable.

People always seem to ask me what I want them to do, what can they do to help me. I wish I knew. More than anything I wish I could say, “I would like you to ___”, and then, everything would somehow be okay again. To work through the layers of emotions, to find out what it is to cause me to still be in so much pain. Is it the betrayal? The act itself? What happened to me? Where did I go? How the Hel am I supposed to get myself to come back? All questions, no answers. I doubt anyone really knows the answers.

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Barb
posted on May 2nd 2003 at 5:20AM CDT

Sarah,  Yes, someone does know, someone who has been there.  Unfortunately in my knowing, I know enough that this is a way you have to find for yourself by yourself.  I wish it weren’t so and it isn’t an easy trip and this is a toxic circumstance in your life that will affect the rest of your life.  How it affects you lay in the means in which you handle it.  Eventually you will, eventually you will choose to sink or swim, but the choice is all yours.

Tess
posted on May 2nd 2003 at 7:32AM CDT

Matt is talking out of his ass…he doesn’t want to feel guilty for his actions so he’s making YOU be the ‘bad guy’ and you’re letting him girl! Don’t let him have that power over you…he is clearly immature and afraid of becoming an adult, and is envious that you are the mature one and that you’ll do anything to raise your son, with or WITHOUT him. That’s a major bruise to his over-inflated ego.

I know a lot of ppl will disagree with me on this, but I think you should go to a shelter, or to a friend or different relative’s house. The current condition at your parent’s house, with your verbally/physically abusive father and non-caring sister is causing more harm than good. I’ve been down and out before, using charities from the church to help bring food on the table, food stamps, help from school, welfare, bankruptcy…and as hard as those times were, I got THROUGH them. This current situation you’re in will not be permanent IF you take some action…and it seems to me that the only way you’ll have peace of mind is in a shelter, away from uncaring ppl. You’ll find other single moms who are in the EXACT predicament *or close to it* that you are in, and you can find comfort and confidence in that you will be raising your son away from that harsh environment. It will take some adjusting, and you’ll have to swallow your pride *that’s the hardest thing*, but you ultimately have to make a decision before things get worse.

posted on May 2nd 2003 at 5:49AM CDT

You are going to make it through this.  You are a very strong person.  I don’t think there are any easy answers.  I am confused most of the time myself.

He has a lot of nerve though.  Pooh on him.  How very nasty.  I would entirely try and take him for as much money as we could get.  Don’t listen to him at all.  Consider the source and move on.

Nikki
posted on May 2nd 2003 at 9:48AM CDT

I agree with Tess. 
Although things look bad now, you can still make it through this rough time.  I have been through some tough times myself.  I think it has made me stronger. 
And as far as Matt goes, I know how hard it is for someone that supposedly once loved you to say cruel things to you.  It hurts.  And it’s hard to ignore.  But don’t believe what he says is true.  He has no right to judge you.  He is the one that left you, so he is the one who should be ashamed. 
Take care and although I don’t really know you well, you can feel free to email me.  :).  I may not have much advice to give but I am a good listener!

~Nikki

Rain
posted on May 2nd 2003 at 1:07PM CDT

I’m sorry, you’re a slut, when he’s the one who cheated?  I’m sorry, but I don’t f’n think so.  As far as I’m concerned he’s lower then scum.  I know it hurts to be insulted by him, but he is SO not worth your feeling upset.  Not only did he leave you but he left his baby.  As far as I’m concerned he’s not worth the air he breathes. Grr!

That said, you are a beautiful person, and you are having a hard time.  You are making it through for your son.  That’s pretty admirable.  Obviously you’re a devoted mama and a strong woman.

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