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Embracing My Fatness

June 26th 2010 3 minutes to read


No one is perfect. Everyone dislikes some part of themselves.

For me I could probably narrow it down to a specific few:

  • weight
  • addictive personality
  • sticking in troubled relationships for far too long
  • too unorganized

I’ve managed to get out of all the bad relationships in my life so that’s a plus.

Lately I’ve put a lot of my self-worth into how much I weigh. Since having the baby, I’ve gained 60lbs. I didn’t gain much if anything during the pregnancy itself (in fact I lost weight the first 7 months) due to having severe hyperemesis.

It makes me seclude myself because I am not happy WITH MYSELF at this weight.

I am at a loss on “what to do” because I know WHAT to do, but I have such a mental block I suppose. I’ve tried WeightWatchers, calorie counting, etc, and I do VERY poorly because I go to the extreme and eat hardly anything and the foods I WOULD eat (all fat-free, sugar-free, artificial, etc) were very bad for me.

I could tell you how it happened too. A LOT of fast food and apple pies. I didn’t care about what I ate. I was so depressed about having a failed VBAC, lack of interest from my parents and siblings, that I ate my feelings, my rage.

I’m also sedentary. I am so uncomfortable walking in our neighborhood simply because we have no sidewalks and due to the never ending construction, cars just barrel down our street like it’s an action movie.

It doesn’t help that I developed quite the soda habit when I lived with Daniel’s bio-father. All he and his family drank was pop and I’ve never been able to fully kick it since then. Granted I drink “diet” pop but still, it’s bad for me and I know this.

If I’m stressed, Gods help us if there is apple pie, peach cobbler, or vanilla ice cream in the house. If all else fails, something super cheesy will get me through. Naturally I don’t ENJOY what I’m eating because I eat it SO QUICKLY that my mouth, my brain, my body, doesn’t have time to register what the heck is happening. Doesn’t matter if I feel “full” because you know, the food does TASTE good so I keep eating.

I’ve had issues with my weight starting in highschool but it really didn’t kick into high gear until my pregnancy with my oldest son. His bio-father was never into fresh healthy food so I had to learn how to cook with a LOT of ground meat, potatoes, and limited vegetables. My last trimester with him (once the hyperemsis eased a bit) was full of pancakes and bacon.

I’ve lost and gained 100lbs more times than I would like to think about and usually by really unhealthy means.

I suppose at the core of it, I don’t trust myself to eat normally. After years of diets and WeightWatchers, I associate so many foods as being “bad”.

I wish I was able to embrace my weight, who I am NOW rather than a future thinner self.

So lovely readers, I would appreciate your stories, your suggestions. I know I’m not alone! What is the solution? How does one “fix” their mindset? I don’t think I can handle another “it’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle!” tagline thrown at me.

This post is over a year old which means the content may be outdated or no longer accurate.



I only got four hours of broken-up sleep last night. I’ve never been good at napping. I’m just left in this exhausted awake state of being.


Happy/Blessed Beltane, everyone!

Playing Catch-Up

I am pretty sure the last two weeks are catching up because I am beyond exhausted today. Trying to get caught up with the online world.

I Redesigned, Again

I redesigned OSN. It looks best at higher screen resolutions. That’s where you get all of the fancy effects. It’s fine on mobile but absolutely shines on a computer. Hopefully, everything works across the board. I tried to make the homepage an actual one, harkening back to the olden days of blogging.


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I’ve learned to suck it up and deal with it. I’m fat because my choices made me fat. I know I could lose weight if I really tried, but I’m not trying, so I’m not going to lose weight.

That said… having a support group really helps with weight loss. Someone to work out with, share recipes, and the like. Join a class at the gym instead of just hopping in the treadmill or lifting weights. Do something FUN. (Dance, hula hooping [so totally getting one of these soon! You can do that from home, too.] or something like that.) Eat everything in moderation. Stuff like that. :)

Reply to Catie

I did the gym thing and felt SO uncomfortable. Partly because my sister (my “buddy” at the time) made me feel like I was just disgusting, and partly because I was the ONLY fat person trying to use the machines.

We can’t afford a gym membership anyway right now lol.


*cough* torrent some workout videos. Jillian Michaels will kick your ass. You can also find Zumba, methinks. (it’s dance-y.) *ahem*

Reply to Catie

Years ago I would do the Biggest Loser 2 dvd and the walking away the pounds series heh.


We have a “fitness center” here at our apartment complex. It’s right across the parking lot from our apartment. I’ve only been in it twice. Because the people who use it are all rail thin with bronze skin and bulging muscles. And look at me like I one have no right to breathe the same air with them or like two yeah she really needs to be in here worse than i do. >.<

It's the pits.

Reply to Mari

Before I had the babies, I lost about 80 pounds total, here’s 45 of it in about a year and a half to two years total.

I made two major changes:

1. Nothing to drink but water. An exemption once a week OR if we went out, but I tried to limit myself to going out once a week.

2. No junk food. This included almost all fast foods. Junk food should not be in the house!

I did not exercise. I think I became more active over time naturally, you know? I allowed myself one freebie day. I did not pig out, but I allowed myself a candy bar. Or a candy bar and Sonic chili cheese fries AND a large strawberry limeaid. One day I could have without guilt.

I think we had a conversation about this before, but you will definitely benefit from drinking lots of water! It is the best thing for you. Your body is made up of water more than anything else. If you drink water and ONLY water in plenty (60oz a day) for two weeks, I promise you will find it hard to stop drinking water in the right quantity.

I have slipped away from drinking enough water myself, and I know it took a long time. I need to start again! I’ve also gained a considerable amount of weight since the babies. I was 180 when I got pregnant with Elias and I’m about 230-240 now (too afraid to step on a scale!). At my highest, I was 260.

Reply to Lynda

Keith is at the store buying me some water bottles right now lol. I am going to try and cut back slowly because although I can quit almost anything cold turkey, I’m not in the mood for caffeine withdrawal lol!

Junk food isn’t too much of an issue as long as I avoid fast food which is easy to do since that’s effort to go and drive to the place, spend money we don’t really have to spare on crap food… so on and so forth.

I just tend to eat a LOT of whatever it is I made. So it could be a salad but I eat a LOT of salad, or instead of a handful of grapes, a big BOWL of grapes.


If you like unsweetened tea (I realize not everyone does), that’s a healthier alternative to soda and you still get your caffeine without the salt and chemicals of diet drinks.

Reply to Cheryl

I forgot to add that tea is supposed to be an appetite suppressant… and I have found that it helps me that way.

Reply to Cheryl

Oh I LOVE loose leaf green and white teas. I never sweetened them either. Just can’t splurge on it right now but hopefully in a couple of weeks I can place an order for some!

I’ve had a bit of extra weight recently, due to my OCD meds (blergh). I don’t like it and am working on shifting it with some extra exercise.

Cut out the soda… seriously… a few weeks without it and it wont even taste good anymore. I maybe drink it once a month now, if that, and can’t even finish a whole can on my own.

Secondly, food is not bad. Real food is wonderful, it nourishes our body and mind. Eat slowly, good food is something to be savored over each bite.

I kind of think of junk food like this: Junk food is porn, real food is the real thing. Porn “does the job” but is in no way satisfying in the long term. Sorry to be vulgar, but it was the best example I could think of.


FWIW, I don’t think that’s vulgar at all.

Reply to Lynda

I don’t find that vulgar at all, in fact, that makes a LOT of sense!

I love REAL WHOLE food. We rarely bring anything processed into the home, are creative with vegetables and grains, but even then, I eat TOO MUCH of them which isn’t good either.

I am going to start eliminating my pop consumption and drink more water. This will be an interesting experiment at the very least!


I worked out tonight heh. I need to do more of it, but I’ve been eating better and maintaining my weight quite well. As for the soda, I drink lots of it and I drank a lot of it when I was in tip top shape so honestly its really not a factor to me. And I don’t keep myself from eating what I want, when I want. If I don’t fulfill a craving I’ll just eat 50 times as much food. The key is just eating enough to sate yourself and that’s it. I’ve had a lot of issues with not eating enough lately and all that causes is your body to store even more fat because it’s afraid you won’t ever eat again. So eating the “right” amount has taken plenty of trial and error, but worth it. Now I’m on track.

Reply to Keeshia

When I lost around 80lbs before in 2003, I drank a LOT of regular pop and it didn’t effect me one way or another. However I did eat VERY little and walked a lot (not much else to do during that time of my life).

I generally don’t crave foods (unless I’m pregnant lol!) but once I make something I feel guilt that I need to eat all of it, not waste it, etc.


Hey Sarah,

I’m really sorry about your struggles with weight, and I can almost feel your frustration come through.

You are the first person I “know” who also suffered from hyperemesis like me! Not a fun club to be a part of. :)

On a happy note, you know how much I love your droplet leaf shots! AWESOME!

Reply to liz

Oh yes. With Daniel it started around 7-9weeks and lasted until I was 7 months along. With Tristan it started at 4wks and didn’t end until he was born.

I would WISH I had “normal” morning sickness. Alas, my body thinks food is evil while pregnant lol.

Aww thank you!!


I had morning sickness the entire time I carried Thomas. Pure misery!

Reply to Mari

i think you definitely need to figure out how to get some movement in. is there a nearby park with some trails you could walk on? or you could make a habit of always parking as far as you can from the door of a store? just because you can’t walk around your neighborhood doesn’t mean you can’t walk anywhere.

i’d try to just get into the normal bmi range and then maintain that. you don’t need to be super thin but you don’t want to be at a weight that could have adverse health implications either.

Reply to Carrie

I would have to drive to go to any park. Which I think I tend to rationalize because my excuses usually are:

It’s too hot
I have to pack both boys up
I have to pack the baby up
I can’t concentrate if I’m worrying about the boys
I’m too fat for this

I’m not looking to be super thin, or even THIN… just THINNER from what I am now heh.


IMHO BMI is a lie. I couldn’t get to the BMI range for my height if I wanted to. I’d have to lose more than 100 pounds. Too, I’ve weighed that weight before, and I looked ridiculous and was sick as a dog the entire time. I wasn’t healthy. I wasn’t anywhere near healthy.

Those BMI charts don’t take into consideration a LOT of factors – including muscle weight.

Reply to Mari
Kristin @ Peace, Love and Muesli

I think everyone is a little insecure about something, weight, skin, hair. But at the same time we need to be comfortable in our skin. We need to feel good about ourselves.
My advice is to do one thing at a time. It sounds like you know what is healthy and what isn’t. Choose one bad eating habit and change it. Once you are comfortable with the change move on to something else. I find too many changes at once overwhelming and likely to end in failure. Include all your boys, especially Daniel. Teach him about cooking and healthy eating at the same time.
Hope those are helpful ideas.

Reply to Kristin @ Peace, Love and Muesli

Oh yes. Daniel LOVES to help cook. I don’t think he’s ever turned down a vegetable. His current favorites would be broccoli and asparagus though.

One of these days I should post what I actually eat in a day. It’s really healthy for the most part (aside from the cheeses), but I just eat SO MUCH of it.

Joni Rae

I am so with you. I could have written this.
I stopped drinking pop in March. I don’t buy it EVER. Unless we go out to eat.

I’ve dropped a size.

I drink water all day long- I’m starting to actually like it (I used to HATE it)

I don’t eat fast food- if we are in a super hurry I will do subway but that is it.

Before I moved here (there is a bike path 50 feet from my back door) I used to drive to the park or mall and walk around. Is that an option for you?

I love you Sarah. You are awesome.

Reply to Joni Rae

I know the pop itself (since it’s the coke zero) isn’t causing me to GAIN weight, however I do believe it’s not helping me LOSE weight either.

When I lived in Tucson, we had no CHOICE but to drink water lol.

I can drive to the parks, we have a lot of them in driving distance, I just get so frustrated at the time it takes to DO IT. Then I am constantly worrying about one of the boys being hurt, or people not paying attention to them, that I just get overwhelmed and decide that I don’t need to go walking today.

I’ve spent so many nights just thinking “tomorrow morning I will get up and WALK around the block” but then baby is super fussy from teething or Daniel wants to play and I again, give up.

((Hugs)) I don’t have weight problems so while I can imagine how you feel I haven’t been there so you can take my opinions worth a grain of salt if you wish. ;)

But I suggest researching food. From everything I read either everything is good for you, or everything is bad for you. (I even read the other day that broccoli is bad for you if eaten raw.) Well everything can’t be bad for you because you need food to survive, so everything must have at least some nutritional value! (I suggest reading the Cholesterol Con by Anthony Colpo) So I stop thinking about food being good or bad (assigning moral value to food) and I think of it as on a continuum of how nutritional it is. Somethings only have a little bit of value (but they do have some) and others have a lot.

So after you research all the food you can decide what you think is more nutritious and make substitutions. I personally feel that anything that is more natural is more nutritious so if I drank pop I would drink one that is sweetened with honey, maple syrup, molasses or evaporated cane sugar vs splenda or hfcs. If you like fries maybe eat sweet potato fries instead. Also making a treat yourself is probably always more nutritious than buying it in the store. After substituting stuff I would try to add stuff that I think is super nutritious. Even if it means using sneaky chef techniques (chopping up veggis small to put in spaghetti sauce). But no drastic changes just small changes.

Then hopefully over time your taste buds will change you will start to prefer the more nutritious food over the less nutritious and maybe you’ll lose some weight, but even if you don’t you’ll probably be healthier overall. But I would throw out the scale and the calorie/fat/etc counting and anything drastic because it is stressful to do those things, and stress is even more of a health hazard then eating less nutritious food!

But try reading about the pros and cons of saturated fats, cholesterol, vegetable fats, soy, hfcs, agave, pasta, wheat products, whole grains, fermented foods, milk, dairy, eggs, fish, etc. I swear everything has pluses and minuses for it so it probably all has its place somewhere in your diet so you don’t have to feel guilty when you eat it. :)

Good luck.

Oh man I am ALL about the sweet potato fries lol.

Really my ONLY vices are pop and cheeses. We do splurge and get high quality cheese but still, doesn’t stop me from eating so much of it!

Ahh I really should post what I eat in a day. It’s actually very healthy aside from the amount of cheese and the VOLUME of food. All whole grains, whole wheat, whole vegetables, whole fruits, etc.

I’ve never liked cookies, cakes, chocolate, chips, (all C words lol!), etc.

We rarely buy ice cream or pie unless it’s a treat because I don’t like it in the house much.

I don’t really snack ever. I eat maybe 1-2x a day (sometimes I would completely forget if I didn’t have to make dinner for my family!).

I see nothing wrong with cheese. ;) It is very nutritious. It sounds like you’re doing fine. It’s just not a quick process. So you are thinking portion control is more the area you want to work on? and trying to get back to the ability to “eat (and stop) on demand” like a baby? :)


I have always have problems with my weight so I can totally relate to this post. Like you, I didn’t gain that much when I was pregnant but after the baby was born plus my undiagnosed post partum depression, my weight started to went up.

Then we moved to China where everyone is walking everywhere I lost a lot of weight from mere walking. So when we first moved back here I tried to keep my walking as a morning exercise and I had a partner, my dad.

Too bad that stopped after he started working abroad.

I’m an emotional eater too when I’m stressed out I’ll eat more, snacking more.

Hopefully when Lil’ A stars preschool this August I will have enough will power to drag my behind to the gym.

I echo everyone else here about stopping the sodas. Sending you a hug since I can relate but haven’t find the solution too!

Reply to Maureen

Oh yes, I’ve gone back and forth with my weight so many times. It’s harder too if I am feeling depressed, to even get out of bed feels like a challenge, much less to focus on smaller portions and such heh.


Do you know the Fat Nutritionist?

she’s AWESOME.


Reply to FoxyKate

OH what a cool site, reading it now!


I find that the best way to loose weight is to be too busy to eat (but then again I am a boredom eater, I rarely feel hungry but eat anyhow). Keep yourself occupied then you will not be thinking about food. The less you eat then the less you will weigh.

But I suppose that does come under the “it is a lifestyle change” tagline.

Reply to Jane

Oh yes, when I was a single mom and working full time with my oldest son, I simply didn’t eat, didn’t have the time lol.

Came over from SITS after seeing the title of your post.

I have started this whole revolution on my blog geared at helping women feel comfortable and confident in their own skin, no matter what their shape and size may be.

I gained 50 pounds while pregnant with my son, and the last 20 were really tough to lose. And even now, if I don’t pay attention, they can creep right back up before I know it.

I had never really been “thin” in my life until I got into my mid-twenties, right before I got married. I was tiny. Like really tiny, But you know what? I was also starving and couldn’t enjoy myself. If someone had a birthday, I would pass up the cake. And life is just way too short to pass up cake!

A few months ago, I noticed that “the layer”, as I like to call it, was starting to reappear after indulging way too much over the winter. Normally, I would crash diet until the scale got down to the exact number that I deemed acceptable for myself. Well, I decided I was sick and tired of that approach, because every time I stepped on that scale, I felt my self-worth go in the toilet.

So I threw out my scale (literally…I even posted a video of me doing it). I have been eating clean, unprocessed foods about 80% of the time, and I’ve been doing Zumba and Power Yoga workouts about 3 times a week. And recently I got on a friend’s bathroom scale and found that I had not lost ONE POUND. But, I feel better. My clothes fit better, and I’m happy.

I think that if you can take the number off of it and focus on being healthy and feeling good instead of having to be a certain weight or size, then it becomes less of a chore. It takes the pressure off and becomes more something that you do for YOU to feel GOOD inside and out.

Bottom line…be proud of who you are. And if you would feel better if you lost weight, then do it…but do it because you want to be confident and healthy, not because you want to be skinny.

Ok, I will quit rambling now!

LOL it’s ok to ramble!

I am not looking to be any particular size or shape even. I just don’t FEEL like ME at this size. I’ve been overweight for oh geez. A LOT of years now and I can accept it… just not HERE. Does that make any sense?


My mom recently lost 50 lbs (she still has 50 more to get to her goal). She started out slow, by eating the same foods, just smaller portions. She decreased her portion size a little a day and was eating slower, and soon enough she realized that she was full quicker. Once she was at that point, she began to eat low calorie meals as well and only drinking water (unless we’re at a restaurant, then she indulges in a soda). Then the exercise started, she lives on a lake so it’s easy for her to get lots of exercise that way, and she also does the Wii Fit if she’s unable to walk around the neighborhood (no sidewalks here either). She’s been doing really great and I’m so proud of her.
It is hard to start on something like this, that’s why it’s important to make sure you are ready and dedicated. It’s also important to make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons, not just because you feel like you should. If you don’t think you’re ready, then don’t bother because it’s setting yourself up for failer. Once you’re really ready, it’ll come much easier. Good luck in your journey!!
Stopping in from SITs.

Reply to Pua

Oh yes, I eat WAY too fast and don’t pay attention to if I’m full until it’s too late and I generally feel sick.

That’s actually a good suggestion, just to lower the food intake a tiny bit per day, I’m sure it adds up quickly!

We also have a Wii Fit but I’ve never really explored it much.

Oh, I am just VERY uncomfortable at THIS weight. I was “here” after I had my first son and then dropped 80lbs and was pretty happy with myself (even though I was still very overweight) but being HERE at THIS weight, I am unhappy.


Well I can’t offer any advice (I am a hoplessly addictive personality myself) but, it does seem like there is a wonderful support community right here to help in any way they (we?) can. And I think it is the support that can help. There is something about support and accountability that seems to always help.

One thing I’m looking at doing, for a variety of things, is to use the net to be accountable. Posting where you’re at and what you need help with on your blog or elsewhere (to keep a little more private) could be of use.

All the best with your quest for getting to where you want to be.

Reply to Darren

It’s funny. I was able to quit a pack a day habit of smoking, cold turkey. I was able to stop drinking, cold turkey.

However we NEED food to LIVE so I can’t just “quit” cold turkey like I am with my other vices. It’s frustrating.


I understand and as an aside that’s really interesting. I was able to quit smoking in exactly the same way… twice (years apart). I wonder how being addictive personalities we can do something like that but struggle with something that should be easier to control. I will quite often sit down and ‘pig out’ why can’t I stop when i have had enough?

Anyway, sending positive thoughts your way so you can do what you need to do… :)

Reply to Darren

The problem is, when we quit smoking, we can avoid it 100%. We can’t avoid FOOD heh.

Mama Kelly aka Jia

Hubby and I are both striving to lose quite a bit of weight. So far whats working for us is:
– thinking about it as a lifestyle change and not a diet
– slowly eating more naturally
– slowly reteurning to a vegetarian lifestyle
– smoothies for breakfast with fruit ice and protein powder

Treat yourself with the same love and forgiveness you would give your spouse or children.

Reply to Mama Kelly aka Jia

What kind of smoothies do you make, any recipes to share?


you know what i do? since i can’t eat active yogurt, it upsets my stomach, i get frozen yogurt and my favorite fruits in frozen varieties. these work for me.

Reply to Mari

OK, I just tried to leave you a lovely, inspirational-like comment, but something happened. Now I’ll just make it short and sweet.

First, thanks for stopping by my blog – I think your blog’s awesome. I’ve learned lots from you in the short time I’ve been following your blog – thank you so much!

Now for your post. You’re beautiful no matter what. Learn to accept that and the rest will follow. I do recommend lifestyle changes though (sorry). Take a look at what kinds of products you’re using on your skin, in your home – they can contribute to gaining weight and not getting it back off. The key though, is acceptance I think. Peace. ;)

Reply to Michelle

Aww why thank you so much!!

Only products I use on my skin would be Aveeno and cleaning products we only use natural products there.

Really, like some previous commenters mentioned. I need to kick the soda habit (diet or not! It’s not good for me!) and get more physical activity daily.


I have a very similar problem. If I don’t have something to do I tend to eat. I don’t even think about it. I grab the thing that sounds closest to being good, and just eat.

I know a lot of my problem is that I’ve been pretty depressed. I can trudge through life, but mindlessly eating when I can “helps”. I have no motivation to change or fix it.

Reply to Ashley

Oh yes. Depression does not aide in weight loss.


So, I know I’m not one to talk when it comes to eating healthy, but I have read some advice that I didn’t see listed yet. You’ve tried the calorie counting and the WW, but I remember the points systems not working for you. Have you thought about trying a food scale? It’s not quite as scientific as calorie counting, but it can definitely help with controlling portion sizes.

Corey always had a problem with eating too fast (always gave him chronic hiccups). His portion sizes shrank when he started eating slow, and he lost weight. It really helps, plus you enjoy more of the food.

Someone suggested just cutting out one thing at a time, which I think is great advice. I follow and for goal tracking. He (zenhabits) always says make it just ONE habit change per month, no matter how small.

A small change is better than overwhelming big changes, because it’s much more likely to stick. Good luck!

Reply to Sara

Yep we had a food scale and yep I used it during WeightWatchers as well as measuring spoons and measuring cups. Didn’t stop me from eating large portions though because I was using fat-free, sugar-free, etc foods so I could eat more within my daily points / calorie values.

I am going to try and drink water again so that could be my “small” change lol.


I think eating sugar free foods / snacks only exacerbated my emotional eating and weight gain. I do sweet’n low and splenda because my mind and body don’t tolerate aspartame (it makes my depression worse; way worse; among other things). for the longest time I was buying snacks sweetened with splenda. but then i realized i was eating more – more snacks and more food. And I read a study somewhere that this was normal for people who eat 0 calorie foods – we’re trying to fill ourselves up. It makes sense. So I ditched those snacks and the only thing I use the sweet’n low in (splenda at my mom’s) is Kool-Aid by the glass and my teas (hot and cold). I still drink sodas, but only two per day, and I get Diet Rite (variety of flavors and is sweetened with splenda).

Reply to Mari

Right, but when it’s just weight portions rather than points you can still eat healthful foods.

Water is always an excellent step in the right direction. I like keep some in a filter in the fridge to encourage myself to drink it when I go scrounging.

Ultimately you’re trying to change habits that are a symptom of emotional eating, right? Maybe a therapist could help you with the depression and that can eliminate the cause rather than the symptoms. *big hugs*

Reply to Sara

Someday when I have the money, I would LOVE to go back into counseling. I have so many family issues I need to work out heh.

It’s hard. I ONLY eat at meal times so I’m not sneaking food or standing in front of the fridge snacking, typical scenarios people would think of.

I really need to post a day of food for me because I feel so misunderstood right now lol!


Snacking is actually really good for your metabolism. The more often you eat in smaller quantities, the better.

Reply to Lynda

I should say, I don’t eat what people think of as snacks (like chips, sweet things, etc). However you are right. I don’t eat very often but when I do eat, it is WAY larger quantities and I eat so quickly that I don’t realize it until I hurt.


First – thank you for this post. I can totally relate. I have been fat for just about as long as I can remember (easily since the third grade) and am also a stress eater. My fiance and I have both been trying to get healthier. About 2 years ago, we made a big effort to stop eating so much crap, and incorporated a lot more fruits, veggies, and fish into our diets, and we now literally cannot digest processed/junk/fast food. Sounds like you are already doing that, which in my opinion is a big part of the battle.

One thing I have found helpful in controlling portions is to serve a small portion, and then immediately put the leftovers into a tupperware and into the fridge. It really helps keep you from having a second helping, because by the time you could get it back out, on your plate, and reheated, your brain has realized you are already full. Once you do that for a while, you will find yourself eating less. Eating slowly is also a good tip others have mentioned on that.

You said you only eat 1-2 times a day. I would suggest you change that. If you aren’t eating breakfast first thing in the morning, you should. It really does give you a lot more energy/motivation. Smoothies are good for that (your favorite fruits + yogurt in the blender) or what I do is berries, granola, and low-fat plain yogurt – the European kind, which is way better than American versions.

Lastly, you really do have to add more physical activity. It makes a huge difference. Since you have the Wii Fit available, do check it out. I have been using it irregularly since the beginning of the year, and have lost about 10 lbs., but more importantly I have noticed a difference in the shape of my body – more muscle tone, etc. Some of the activities on there are actually quite fun. Hula hoop has really helped me get rid of some belly fat and firm my stomach. Also – you can take many little steps that will help — like walk in place while you’re watching TV – do squats or something during commercials. When you’re standing, try not to stand still. Squeeze and release whatever muscles you feel like when your sitting. Little things add up.

Good luck – you can do it!

Reply to cindy

That is a REALLY good tip about putting the excess food away as leftovers into the fridge!

I rarely watch TV (I have a few shows I save on the TiVo and that’s about it). I really should see how the Wii Fit is, although I am not looking forward to it screaming at me, “YOU ARE FAT!” heh.


It doesn’t do that. There’s a part when you weigh yourself that says where your BMI falls, but that’s it. No yelling. :)

Reply to Lynda

LOL that is semi-comforting! Do you know what the weight limit is?


330 lbs!

Reply to Lynda

I wish I could offer some help but I’m in the same boat that you are. I just have lost all my self esteem since gaining weight after I stopped playing softball full time after college.

I recently joined and it seems like a pretty cool community. I hope it works for me. I’m not keeping my hopes up until it does.

Reply to Caity

I tried SparkPeople a few years ago and when I go into counting calories, I tend to just NOT EAT. I seem to have a problem finding a middle ground. I either eat too much or not eat at all.



Ah, that stinks. I tend to cheat and say things are just less calories than they really are. Hah.

Reply to Caity

I think a lot of people are struggling with their weight. I know I do, often. I wish I could be ok with my body, but I’m not. I just signed up for Weight Watchers as they had a special going, but we will see how it works.

Reply to Kasie

Let me know what your experience is!

Amber Morrisey

You are beautiful. Inside and out. This size, and any size. I know you want to make a change, but I want you to know that you are gorgeous beautiful and RADIANT right this second.

I had food issues, some deep rooted ones. Being vegan really helped me fix myself. I now eat for the love of it, and what I choose to eat makes me pleased, because I know the damage it isn’t causing to animals.

In some ways, I needed the life of another being to be my step to healthy food choices (not the food itself but my association to it).

I’ve gained (this is good!) 10lbs each year, for two years.

While our stories aren’t the same, our objective on opposite ends, our issues with food are linked. Putting where my food comes from first is what helped me.

Good luck and much love.

Reply to Amber Morrisey

Thank you so much for your comment!

It’s amazing really how something we NEED to survive can be such a daily battle.


Hi! I found you through SITS. Your story is one that many many women share, no matter what size they are: dislike your own body, have a stressed relationship with food, know that you are unhappy but keep on with the same behaviors, and actually lose weight but then re-gain it. If you’ve never heard of the “health at every size movement”, please stop by my blog. I have a lot of great links to other blogs that deal with HAES, eating disorders, body image, self-esteem. I also write and illustrate on this topic, something I know from personal experience myself and as a teacher. Peace!

Reply to elizabeth

Stopping by your blog!

I’ve not heard of the “health at every size movement” so this is something I need to investigate!

Genevieve Le Bel

What an awesome post. Really made me “think”… and laugh! I’m a work in progress myself! I’ve been think and I’ve been fat, thin is better! I’m back to FAT now but I try to be kind to myself, I TRY!!! I have an addictive personality too… ugh! Thx for sharing!

Reply to Genevieve Le Bel

It’s hard isn’t it! It’s “easy” to get rid of other “addictions” but you NEED food to LIVE so you can’t just go cold turkey heh.

I have many of the same dislikes about myself would you mind if i put a link to your blog on mine I enjoy reading yours.

I would love that, thank you! I’m going to check out your blog in a bit here!


Spend some time on Google looking up Health at Every Size [or HAES]. Then look up Fat Acceptance. I adore Shapely Prose [] and the Fat Nutritionist is awesome.

Good luck accepting you.

Reply to Amy

Thank you! I am looking into the health at every size on google right now!

Compelling post. It seems like you are just not ready to make changes yet. And, that’s okay. Maybe start by accepting who you are and loving what your body does for you that works well. It allows you to live life and to love your bf and your sons. It’s doing way more good than bad so maybe give your body a break and love it first before you need to change it. Then, consider a total physical to make sure you are in good health. Perhaps you’re unmotivated because you don’t feel all that great. My daughter has PCOS and struggles with her weight. People who don’t really don’t understand. But, finding out she had health “issue” really empowered her to learn all she could about her body and its unique needs and to move on from there. She’s not skinny and never will be but she works out and eats as healthy as possible without depriving herself (cause that’s no fun) and she’s learned to love herself, flaws and all. Sounds to me like you’re just as the “woe is me” stage and we all need to go through that for a while until we’re really ready to move on to the next step on life’s adventures. When you are ready to change, I believe you will. You think, you write, you process, you’re well on your way. Good luck!

Oh I feel like you misunderstood me!

I am 100% willing to make a change. I know I need to be better hydrated (with water) and get more physical activity into my day.

My relationship with food doesn’t have any bearing on my relationship with my family.

Surprisingly (since most people assume fat = unhealthy) I am in good health. Low blood pressure, not pre-diabetic, no thyroid issues, etc. The only thing keeping the weight on, is ME.

Thank you for commenting though!

Phil Traversa

*Note: I am on IE at work right now, so this is not my best writing and grammar. I need more time for that.*

Ah, Sarah. I don’t know how to go about this, so I’ll try my best. As you know, I also have struggled with my weight and feel your pain. I just didn’t care, ate all I wanted, and just became content with the person who I was.

But one day I just snapped. Completely snapped. I didn’t eat any junk food, I didn’t drink any pop, and I stopped all of my bad habits. I don’t know what did it, but I woke up that morning and said to myself that I don’t want to be fat anymore. Fast-forward to today, I am 75 pounds lighter and I am still losing more every day.

So what did I do? Nothing special. I had the desire to change. Well, so do you. You said it yourself that you “know what to do” but haven’t brought yourself to do it.

Well, it’s time to start. Wake up tomorrow and change your life.

If you are anything like me, you like to know how things work, like computers. Well, apply this “Geek Squad” mentality to your body.

I studied how the body works, how it digests food, how it burns calories, and the like. I made up my own little plan which works for me.

1) Portion control. It is not about what you eat, it’s about how much you eat. The stomach is just a giant stretchable sack that holds your food during digestion. When eating smaller portions, the stomach isn’t allowed room to grow. True, you are hungrier more often, but that is why you EAT more often. It’s a win-win in my book.

2) Keep that metabolism up! Your body is a GIANT furnace and food is the fuel. Skipping meals only puts out the fire. Eating smaller meals more often allows your metabolism to never stop.

3) Moderate physical activity. I don’t have the time nor desire to work out. It has been mentioned before to walk further away from the car, walk down the block, etc. But did you know that just tapping your feet burns calories? 150 an hour, to be precise. Think of creative ways to move your body about. I am tapping my feet now as I write this message.

4) Trick your body. Going back to the whole metabolism thing, doing things like chewing gum to eliminate cravings really helps.

I could keep going with my tips, but I think I am going a bit long here. I know you well enough to help you, but you have to help yourself too. It took me years to realize it and hit the snapping point, but once I did, I will never look back.

Two of my other friends who lost a lot of weight have had the same odd kind of breakthrough as I did.

So, get angry at it. Fight with it. Get depressed about it. Then when you are so pissed off, discouraged, and staring at the bottom of an empty ice cream container, you’ll find that you really had the power this whole time.

You have plenty of support on your side, so now it’s time to change. Let me know if you need a hand.


Reply to Phil Traversa
Phil Traversa

There is something else I wanted to add. Remember that 2000 calories = a pound. You should consume 2500+ a day. In other words, you MUST burn an extra 500 calories from the start just to NOT gain weight.

Actually, that’s not 100% accurate, but for the sake of this conversation, let’s leave out the complexity.

Still, learning little facts like these help a lot towards reaching your goal weight.

Reply to Phil Traversa

You know I love you!

It does help to understand that it’s not WHAT I eat but HOW MUCH.

I think in some ways, I am a bit scared of losing weight. When I was thinner I did stupid things (as you VERY well know heh) and I worry that being “that size” again will make me fall back into stupid behaviors.

I was 80lbs thinner than what I am NOW in 2003. Kept it off for a year and a half. How? NO clue! I was a single mom at that point, broke so I couldn’t AFFORD food lol, and cried a lot heh.

The last time I lost a lot of weight was when we worked together and I replaced eating with smoking. I also did a bit of the low-carb for awhile.

I’m reading a book right now by Geneen Roth called “Breaking Free from Emotional Eating”. It’s interesting!

Thank you so much for commenting!!

Phil Traversa

Yes, the fun fun stories of your youth. And the chain smoking. You make me want a cigarette now! ARRGH! :-)

And with love comes the harshness of these words: you are obviously not there yet. I don’t think you are 100% ready to drop the extra poundage.

The key here is to get you to realize that you DO need to make a lifestyle change. It sounds like just a buzz word, but it is true.

It does takes a “lifestyle change” to realize that taking the stairs is preferred to an elevator, parking at the back of the lot is better than the front, etc.

I haven’t read this particular book that you are reading are, or any diet book for that matter, but I have a feeling it isn’t going to help you one bit.

I would suggest doing some research right now. Look into how your body burns calories, how much a proper portion is, and the like. You’d be surprised in what you find and what you can DO with all the food that you already know and love.

I LOVE reading up on the facts. Reading about how one person lost 1238 pounds drinking only potato juice squeezed from the coastlines of Peru isn’t going to help you one bit. Sure it worked for them, but wouldn’t it be better learning what would work for you? Reading on how your body reacts IS a good read indeed.

Keep in mind, dieting doesn’t have to be painful.

Reply to Phil Traversa

You are most likely right in that I’m not “ready” yet. I am still very much in the “what’s the point” phase. It doesn’t help that I saw in my old phone a pic of me and K getting ready for a night out and I looked SO much thinner.


Please pardon me for butting in on your comments, but it’s a pound of body fat is about 3500 calories, not 2000. So if you consume more than 3500 calories above what you are expending, you will put on a pound of weight. And vice versa, if you burn an excess of 3500 beyond what you bring in, you’ll lose one.


Reply to FoxyKate
Phil Traversa

Yeah, I know. :-)

I am at work right now and it can be hard to juggle the 25 computers I am working on right now AND fact check. Actually, I have a couple things in those posts that aren’t entirely accurate.

It’s all for effect, though, so the point came across.

Reply to Phil Traversa
Phil Traversa

Ah, now I remember how I got those numbers. You should eat about 2000-2500 calories a day depending on your gender and physical makeup.

I also remember that the FDA changed up a lot of things, including the food pyramid, since I was in school. So, 2000 calories may not even be right any more.


Reply to Phil Traversa

I don’t have time to read all the comments already posted, so forgive me if I repeat what others have said.

Someone mentioned research on nutrition and I’d definitely recommend that step. I’ve discovered that you can’t always rely on intuition, because even some things that seem good — like particular veggies — aren’t necessarily good choices (for instance, starchy veggies are bad if you’re going for weight loss). Sadly, cheese is pretty bad, because it’s very calorie/fat dense. Whole grain products are great, though: lower in calories/fat and they fill you up more (so you don’t eat as much).

Another tip: you can fool yourself about portion size depending on the size of your plate/bowl. They’ve done studies that show people eat more when the plate is bigger. So try using smaller plates and see if that helps you eat smaller portions.

I’m a stress eater too, so I can relate to your habit of eating when you’re down or worried. I gain weight when I’m stressed and eat to get myself through the rough patch, and then I feel bad about myself. Right now I’m about 15 pounds over my medically safe weight, although when I look at myself in the mirror, it looks like more to me. I’ve been trying to trim down and to be more generous with myself about how I look… and it is getting easier to look in the mirror and say “sure, I need to slim down a bit, but I’m getting there.” I wish I had some tips on how to accept yourself, but I don’t. Hopefully with the support of others you’ll begin to feel some encouragement and start whittling away at the extra pounds.

And try not to be afraid of being thin… it sounds like you’ve got a stable, happy family unit now, so I doubt that you’ll fall into any old habits when the weight is gone. Good luck!

Reply to Cheryl

Oh I am not a big fan of breads or rice or potatoes (although I LOVE roasted sweet potato).

Cheese is a BIG thing though. LOVE the cheese ever so much.

I think that’s the only constant in my food, cheese.


I love cheese too, but I’ve tried to reduce the amount of it that I eat, and that did help me lose a few pounds. I always look for reduced-fat cheeses at the grocery, too. I haven’t noticed any difference in the taste or texture, and I figure it’s got to be better for me than the full-fat kind.

Reply to Cheryl

I went on a low carb diet a few years ago – and lost a lot of weight. What prompted me was increasing blood pressure – and I wanted to be here for my boys! That’s what straightened me up. This year, about 5 years later, I gained it back, but I am exercising and watching what I eat. I’m losing inches, but not pounds yet. You have to figure out what motivates you. I want to be around for my boys for a long time – and feel good while I’m at it. My problem is all about self-discipline. There’s no magic trick. Which ever way you try – it’s all about self discipline!

Oh I have zero self discipline when it comes to this particular situation of mine. Hard to break almost 30 years of food issues!

cupcake mommie

sorry this is late – you’ve been featured :)

Reply to cupcake mommie

Oh wow, thank you so much!

When I went to Uganda for 4 months for a college internship, my diet changed drastically! Mini cadburry eggs just weren’t available and I decided to kick my chocolate addiction by taking full advantage of the fresh vegetable stands on the street. I found a new love for color and texture in my food. Usually, in our US culture, we just plain don’t eat enough veggies in our diets. But in Uganda I ate the same meal (which ironically, I blogged about in my last post on madebybedtimetales) every day for almost four months. It was made up of almost all veggies… kind of a cleansing experience. Anyway, I totally understand what you mean by heaven help me if there is peach cobbler in the house… only mine is… fatty chocolate. I just have to stay away from it in the store and keep reminding myself how amazing vegetables are. I read once that preparing vegetables can be kind of a therapeutic experience, especially when you take the time to grow, harvest, clean, cut and cook all by hand.
Good luck and I wish you the best in your pursuit to change your relationship with food!

Thank you for your comment!

Oh I am ALL about the veggies, the more the merrier! I do know though that even if it’s a “simple” vegetable, I will still eat more than a “serving” or two. Which defeats the purpose I suppose.


I had some more thoughts to share… maybe they will be helpful.

I’ve been a size 14 most of my adult life. Sometimes I could fit in a 12, or even a generously cut 10, but usually, it was a 14. And I always felt bad about that. I’d internalized all these messages from society that women should be size 8 or less and weigh 100 pounds. But I’m 5’9″, and I’m never going to be a size 8. I could be nothing but bones and not fit in a size 8. And yet, I’ve always felt bad about that size 14.

Last week, I took a vacation to visit family up north, and I went shopping with my cousin’s wife, who also wears size 14. The difference is that she’s a few inches shorter than I am. We shared a dressing room at The Loft, and it was a revelation to me to see how different the exact same clothing looked on me compared to her. I could suddenly see myself differently: I felt slim and stylish. (I know I still have a nice coating of fat in my midsection that needs to come off, but clothes hide it nicely.) It was really startling to see myself in this new light and realize that my perception of myself had gotten pretty distorted — that I had been so unshakable in my belief that “14=BAD” that I couldn’t accept that 14 isn’t bad for me. (Knowing it logically and accepting it are totally different things!) It made me feel good to realize that, while I do still need to lose some weight, the situation isn’t as bad as I had led myself to believe.

We’re constantly presented images of thin, “perfect” women, and it’s so hard not to be brainwashed into believing that ideal. But if you can look around you and see the world in a new way, see that the thin women aren’t the norm and regular women look a lot like you, maybe you’ll be able to let go of some of those negative feelings and be more accepting of yourself.

I hope these thoughts are helpful, Sarah.

Reply to Cheryl

Oh I know exactly what you mean! When my twin sister was a bit heavier, I was hmm 40lbs more than she was at the time (this was back in 2003) and I was in a size 16 and she was a size 14/16 and I looked very thin. She is 3 inches taller.

It’s interesting how size/height/weight make such a large difference in our perception of FAT.


First, I want to say that you are a lovely person. I’ve been watching your website for a long time, and I really commend you for your strength in caring for your boys and the passion you show towards things like attachment parenting, photography, etc.

You have drive. You have passion. Apply it in this part of your life. Many people in my life struggle with their weight and fall off the wagon, so to speak. If you just apply that passion that you have for something like attachment parenting to your weight loss regimen, then there is no reason why you can’t reach the goals that you set for yourself.

You’ve said multiple times, in the entry and in responses, that quantity is your problem. Fix it. Find out what a portion is for the foods you love. When you prepare a meal, fix less than you normally would. Try to eat slower and truly savor the food. You could be on any “weight loss program” like Weight Watchers or low carb or anything… and really, when it comes down to it, they all boil down to portion control. That is the issue, really. Not what you eat. It’s how much.

Reply to Melanie

Yep. It drives me CRAZY when people just assume fat = eating bad food all the time. I eat really healthy but 2-3 BOWLS of healthy isn’t ideal. I do know my cheese consumption isn’t the greatest either.

I really need to work on portion control. I am worried about going to that extreme and not eating enough or going on a binge.

Echo S.

Like most women, I’ve also gone through many weight ups-and-downs. I’ve eaten nothing but junk to keep my weight down (if I skip dinner, I can have cake… woo!), eaten super healthy, run myself into the ground, counted calories, eat healthy but huge portions etc. Then post-baby there was the ‘shove it in fast you have 1 minute whoops you ate but it didn’t register so you’ll eat again at the next opportunity!’ thing.

What I do now finally sticks (for now, who knows what will next throw me off)- I first started by scheduling meals. I hated eating breakfast so would skip it, then eat a snack later. Instead I set up a big healthy breakfast to satifsy my sweet tooth and my need for nutrients. Fruit, hot cereal, protein coffee and 24 oz water. Snack 2 hours later of toast with PB & drizzle of honey. 2 hours later lunch which usually had three servings of broccoli in it, two of zucchini, bell peppers and two servings beans. 2 hrs snack pb toast. Instead of skipping breakfast I found myself too full at dinner to eat a meal and would have some dark chocolate instead.

I had to be very regimented for a while- but I kept reminding myself, ‘It’s not about weight, it’s about health.’ Now I’m on auto-pilot.

I found it really helpful to broaden what I was worried about. Everyone gets a little OC about this or that. By letting myself ‘obsess’ that I needed to get 10 servings of real fruit and vegetables each day, calcium, protein etc, I took the negative out of eating ‘too much’ or ‘too little’. I have a serious sweet tooth that breakfast smoothies now completely thwart. I also freeze chopped bananas + dark cherries (about 1 banana to 12 cherries) then put them through the food processor until they’re smooth like ice cream. Being dairy is harsh on me I very rarely touch ice cream, but Angel and I love this alternative. We also use strawberries, blackberries, raspberries, blueberries- whatever’s on hand! You can also add cocoa powder to it/vanilla coconut milk. They make very nice variations. I now obsess over listening to my body and giving it what it needs. Way more fun! : )

Unfortunately with the whole, ‘It’s a lifestyle’ addage… it’s really finding out how to do it with your lifestyle. Each time my life changes I gain weight and have to find a new way to lose that weight and maintain a ‘healthy’ weight. An old friend of mine lost a good deal of weight using one of those ab-lounge things. She was always telling everyone to get one, they work! Really aggressive about it. I finally just said it works because you’re DOING THE WORK. Whatever works for you in your lifestyle is the lifestyle that works. I can get on a treadmill, or run around a track, but I can’t ab-lounge. That’s boring, and it’s a gimmick. It’s a gimmick that worked for her, but it did not motivate me.

Another thing I did- started wearing sleeveless shirts. My arms are not cute, but when I was pregnant I decided if I wanted to wear sleeveless things, by god I would do it! and now? I have a super-clingy baby, if I want to be sleeveless because it’s more comfortable, people can just look away from my flabby, super-pale arms! It was hard at first, but freeing myself of that hang-up has really helped my body image.

My only real ‘advice’? Listen to everyone’s advice! I know it’s hard when people ‘advise’ with negativity, but if you can do so with an open ear, you might stumble onto the right pieces for you : )

Reply to Echo S.

Hello Sarah,

Being French, I have a very French perspective on food and cooking overall.

But the French diet consists in fatty, mostly salty foods such as cheese (I adore cheese), and losing weight in a culture where food is basically deified isn’t that easy. I’m 22 and I was a UK size 12 eight months ago, I now sport a thin size 8, mostly because I had to reject everything about French gastronomy as a whole and drastically change my eating habits (stating with a BMI of 24 in November to 19 in July). And that included excluding cheese, salted butter and other creamy dishes from the Alps that I gorged on not so long ago from my diet altogether.

I started eating raw vegetables, nuts, rocketsalad, some chicken, with the occasional glass of white wine, water (at least 2L per day), fruit (raspberries and mango mostly) all of them organic and just perfect.

Basically, I learned how to eat. I believed in what I ate and thus I lost weight.

In a country where vegans and vegeterians are being scoffed at (we are a nation of meat-eaters), where butter and wine and cream (“crème fraîche”) can do no harm to the body and are institutionalized.

I admire you because you strive to achieve your goal, in a country where food is as important as in France, where food is culturally accepted as being good (albeit not healthy, but they never mention that).

And no, fat does not equal binge eating. Just don’t listen to that stupid stomach of us occasional binge eaters; the stomach is TEH evil, the hunger feeling is TEH evil and it is not to be trusted! :)

I think diet isn’t just about weight, it’s about being comfortable with yourself and your body, it’s about having faith in your food and your cooking.

BTW, I fell in love with your photography and your blog. I might stick around for a while.

– Leonor

Reply to Leonor

I am not a dietician or a nutritionist or a trainer. But here is what I believe. Food is medicine. Try this: eat the full 9 to 13 servings of fruits and vegetables every day and anything else you want. Seriously, anything else. I truly believe that the plant-based foods will help your body process and metabolize the other stuff. Plus, if you really eat the full 9-13 servings, there won’t be much room for anything else.

Whatever happens, I wish you much success!

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