First Death Anniversary Of My Father

Today is the first anniversary of my father dying.

That’s right, four months and two weeks after my mother died.

I am hollow rage.

Hillcrest Nursing Center failed him. Bank Financial failed him. Even fucking Comcast failed him.

My father died knowing what his son had done to him. Died after years of financial, emotional, mental, and physical abuse.

Getting his records, which was a fiasco in itself and expensive, proved that I was right about his facility being toxic to him.

Or how about when one of my closest friends texted me four days after he died to tell me I was a bad friend to them because I wasn’t supporting them enough through a stressful period in their life.

Or when I had my aunt tell me repeatedly that he and my mother were “in hell where they belong” when I had my one and only phone call with her after not speaking to her since I was a child.

Again, I had no support. Even a full year later, I’ve not been in a position where I have the time or space to feel.

There was no memorial or funeral for either parent. All I have of my father are his ashes and his glasses that he died in.

And it’s beyond the universal experience of having your parents die, even if they die before their time, even if they strangely die within a short time frame. It’s the fucking nightmare I was put through, the situations surrounding it, that I alone had to deal with as much as my twin sister tried to be there for me and let me verbally process everything. It’s not the same as being the one dealing with everything.

I am not ok. I am trying to survive every single day. I wouldn’t even call what I have grief because it’s not the sadness I feel. I don’t feel much of anything. I haven’t cried since October of ’23. I wouldn’t even say it’s depression, although obviously, that’s been pretty bad this year. It’s just this hollow rage.

Every day, something I want to text him about pops up in my head, and then I remember I can’t.

I wish I could write all flowery and about time healing and all that bullshit, but that’s not been my reality.