My mother left numerous comments on the post I wrote a few days ago, Yeah, My Mom Abused me, How About Yours?”.

At first I left them published but then they got more and more… weird. So I put them back as pending. I know some people already have read them while they were still published or they were subscribed to the comments so they got them in their email. I’ve since decided that since she posted public comments on a public post that it’s appropriate to share them, I’m sure some of you are curious what her response was.

I’ve not edited them in any way, not even for grammar or punctuation. I apologize for the all caps, that’s just how she writes online. I did bold the parts I thought were the MOST… bizarre… to me anyway.

I know not everyone agrees with my decision to post ANY of my past, much less the response I’ve gotten from my mother, however, I am doing my best to process and heal. For me that means no longer hiding it. I still do feel a lot of shame stemming from everything though. I feel dirty and WRONG because I know now, more so than I did THEN, how very wrong it was to have a parent do and say the things that were done and said to me. I’ve not brought up her relationship with my brother because there really wasn’t one. He left when he was 13yrs old and was basically raised by our father. To my knowledge, he really hasn’t had a ton of contact with her since.

Also, funny enough, I found a thread on a message board about her, how she stole, lied, and committed fraud (for gardening things and on Ebay). That was weird for me, seeing OTHER people see her as an online “troll”. Weird to have that as your parent!

Some parts of comments are a bit confusing (stuff she brings up) so I explained them using footnotes.

I DID TAKE MY MEDS. I HATED BEING BIPOLAR,IT IS NOT TRENDY
IM AM NOT A F—-K
I AM REPLYING TO YOUR COMMENT. I AM SARAHS MOTHER. I WAS A GOOD MOTHER TO HER. I HAVE BIPOLAR ILLNESS AND ALL THREE OF MY CHILDREN HAVE IT TOO, I HAD THEM TESTED AS CHILDREN ((Not true. I have been diagnosed with depression though, no wonder heh)).GLENDA
I think it is completely inapproprite for sarah to be discussing private family issues concerning me in such a demeaning way. I have no way to defend myself.None of these people know me. I am sarahs mother. I am harshly judged by sarah and all these people. There are two sides to this story. Not just sarahs side. I have my regrets and I never meant to hurt sarah or my other children. How can I be a grandmother to danny and tristan when I live several states away.????? I did the best I knew how to raise you sarah, and yes I made many mistakes along the way.I never grew up with any role models in my family. Why do you want to continue to hurt me??? You wont be hearing from me anymore. Why not do a long blog on your father, don????? He was very abusive and mean to you???? Let it be his turn now. Leave me alone. GLENDA

I’m not surprised she brought my father up and even though we’ve had our issues, he has since than more than made up for it by letting my child and I live with him, rent-free, for six years (when I was a single mom to DS1) and has helped me a lot over the past 10 years. He also has never lied to me about the past, made excuses for his past behavior, or threatened to kill me or expose me to sex shops or pornography as a child. He was only in my childhood up until the age of 10 and I saw him sporadically after that until I was 20 years old with my then new baby and moved into a 3-bedroom apt with him and my son’s bio-dad.

Also? She only lives 7hours and 45minutes away from me. We live in the day and age of mail service, email, video, phone, etc.

I DID NOT GO NUTS ON LAWYERS ETC. ((Sadly, she did. This is right when I got out of the hospital for mono. I was on the couch when my lawyer called me about it and then ended up staying at my best friend’s house because I was so scared.)) YOU WERE OUT OF CONTROL AT THAT TIME. YOU TOOK MY BLUE CAR WITHOUT PERMISSION AND TRASHED IT IN A ACCIDENT. ((This also isn’t exactly true. I was the driver but my brother, sister, and brother’s friend were in the car. Brother’s friend pulled the wheel. I hit some concrete and broke the axle. I took responsibility and admitted fault.)) YOU STOLE MONEY FROM MY PURSE. ((Yep, she got less than two hundred a week in child support which she would spend on china or linens. She didn’t have a job from when I was about 11 until long after I left at 17 years old. Which meant my sister and I didn’t have money for lunches or clothes. Generally my father would send large checks for birthdays and holidays so we could buy clothes and such for the rest of the year. I also worked two jobs, Taco Bell and Baskin Robbins yo!)) OR HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THE THINGS YOU DID TO ME.I NEVER SAID I WAS GOING TO BURN YOU TO DEATH THATS A LIE,MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN OUR FAMILY. ((Yep, she did say she dreamed of burning me alive to two police officers. It’s how she ended up in the psych ward for 48hrs and how my sister and I ended up in the shelter the first time.)) YOU ARE SEVERELY BIPOLAR, AND KNOW IT. WHY ARENT YOU ON ANY BIPOLAR MEDICATIONS TO HELP WITH YOUR DEEP DEPRESSION.????? ((Not bipolar, I’ve been tested because I do worry since my mother is bipolar. I have been diagnosed with depression though, not “deep” depression. I also have issues with PTSD and anxiety after the traumatic pregnancy and birth of my second child.)) ANOTHER LIE, I NEVER TOLD ANY POLICE OFFICERS THAT YOU WERE DOING COCAINE. THATS A LIE. ((I doubt the police officers that picked me up from my then boyfriend’s house, who would later end up being the bio-father to my first son, would make that up. I was even tested and searched for cocaine because they said “Your mother told us you were dealing and doing cocaine so we had to pick you up.”)) YOUR LIVING IN THE PAST SARAH. YOUR CAUGHT THERE.ALL OF THESE THINGS WERE 16 YRS AGO. ((I’ve always said I have issues moving on from my traumatic past. Yep!)) YOU KEEP BUYING TONS OF MAKEUP YOU WILL NEVER USE, ITS INSANE. THATS A BIPOLAR MANIC THING TO BE DOING. ((Huh? No words for this one.)) WE ALL SUFFERED DURING THOSE DIFFICULT YEARS, NOT JUST YOU ONLY. THERE ARE 2 SIDES TO THIS STORY.I DO NOT WANT YOU TALKING ABOUT ME IN ANY MORE OF YOUR BLOGS.MY LIFE IS PRIVATE. YOU SHOULDNT BE SAYING SUCH TERRIBLE COMMENTS ABOUT YOUR SISTER EITHER. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. MY SEVERE BIPOLAR ILLNESS IS BEING HELD AGAINST ME.I DID TAKE MY MEDICATIONS. ((She didn’t take her medication during this period of time, it wasn’t until a long time after did she take medication consistently)) I SUFFER FROM DEEP DEPRESSIONS, AND I HAVE A DIAGNOSED PANIC DISORDER.I REGRET ALL THE THINGS I SAID TO MY CHILDREN ALL THOSE YEARS AGO. BUT I WAS VERY MENTALLY ILL THEN.I AM THE ONLY MOTHER YOU WILL EVER HAVE. I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO SEE MY GRANDSONS BECAUSE I LIVE SO FAR AWAY. ((She lived 4 hours away from me for over a year. She made the journey to visit my niece. Ok…)) YOU DID YOUR SHARE OF TERRIBLE THINGS TO ME.I WILL NOT DO A REHASH OF ALL YOU DID. ((I really am lost here. I RARELY talked back. I wasn’t perfect. I ran away from home at 17 because I couldn’t handle waiting until I was 18. I’ve been arrested when I was a minor. Yep)) STOP LIVING IN THE PAST.IT ONLY BRINGS UNHAPPINESS.THESE NASTY BLOGS ABOUT ME MUST STOP OR I WILL HAVE TO TAKE LEGAL ACTION. ((Uh. Talking about MY direct past isn’t something I can be sued for, pretty sure about that, however, bring it on.)) I NEVER EVER SAID I WANTED TO BURN YOU ALIVE. ((Covered this already.)) THAT A LIE.WHY YOU CHOSE TO WRITE THESE THINGS IS BEYOND MY UNDERSTANDING???? YOU IGNORE ME LIKE IM DEAD.ARE YOU A GET MAD, GET EVEN KIND OF GIRL??? YOU HAVE LOST YOUR MOTHER, AND NOW YOUR SISTER. ((Again with my sister?)) WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS AND YOU NEED YOUR FAMILY. WE WONT BE THERE FOR YOU. THEN WHAT WILL YOU DO, IF SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN TO0 KEITH?? ((Wow. My husband just LOVED this bit.)) YOU HAVE ALOT TO ANSWER FOR.ALL THESE HURTFULL WORDS WILL COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU ONE DAY.YOUR SON DANNY WILL RESENT YOU FOR NOT GIVING HIM A EDUCATION.AND YOU WILL LOSE HIM. HE DESERVES TO GO TO A GOOD SCHOOL AND RECIEVE A HIGH QUALITY EDUCATION, NOT SITTING AROUND THE HOUSE ALL DAY.WITHOUT A GOOD EDUCATION HE WONT GET GOOD JOBS. IS THIS WHAT YOU TO HAPPEN TO HIM???PUT HIM BACK IN SCHOOL SOMEWHERE ELSE BEFORE ITS TOO LATE.PLACE DANNYS NEEDS ABOVE YOUR OWN. ((Not sure where this all comes from. My son has been in school the whole year, granted I have issues with the education but that’s my perspective. Really confused about this.)) STOP THIS BLOGGING MADNESS.PEOPLE ARE BEING HURT.STOP BUYING THAT EXPENSIVE MAKEUP AND USE IT TO BUY BOOKS, AND CLOTHES FOR YOUR CHIDREN. ((Again, confused. One of these days I’ll post photos of their overflowing bookcases and closets. Not sure where that all stems from.)) STOP BEING SO CRITICAL OF ALEXANDRA.SHE HAS DONE ALOT FOR YOU OVER THE YEARS WHEN YOU WERE IN MANY CRISIS SITUATIONS. ((Wow, THIRD TIME about my sister. Not sure when she’s been there for me much less during a crisis situation. She did help pay my $10 co-pays to my then OB when I was pregnant with my oldest 10+ years ago though. She also paid for an emergency tooth extraction in 2006 as well for me.)) THINK ABOUT ALL THE PEOPLE YOU HURTING.YOU HAVE SACRIFICED A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME AND YOUR SISTER. ((More about my sister. I guess they had an epic conversation about me apparently. Didn’t know I lost her either. News to me.)) WAS IT WORTH THE HIGH PRICE???THINK ABOUT IT. YOUVE LOST US. I WISH YOU WELL SARAH. GLENDA

[footnotes]

So basically, I’m an awful daughter, sister, mother, and wife. My makeup is destroying EVERYONE. OH and everything was my fault. Gotcha! It’s all so clear now! Oh and I’ll end up alone forever. I know that’s a bit sarcastic. Coping mechanism for the win!

Seriously though, I didn’t expect an apology. I do wonder why she skipped over all the sexual stuff she said/did (Honestly? That wasn’t even the worst of it, I only covered one year in that post). I actually don’t grasp 80% of what she said because it just didn’t make sense to me. I really wasn’t surprised how many times she brought up my twin sister. She’s always made it crystal clear that she favored her.

I’m not sure how I, as a child, could have provoked her enough, what I DID to cause this. Seriously, how did 4yr old ME somehow FORCE my mother to toss cold medicine in my face (when I refused to drink it) and call me a little bitch. Or a 6yr old me being told (as I was told my entire life with her) that she wished she had an abortion with me. Even when I was a teenager… I didn’t talk back or put her down. I recall a few of my friends witnessing some of her… moments. Yes I ended up running away. Yes I ended up dropping out of high school (I then worked 2 jobs). I’m not sure how that “earned” or “deserved” what went on from birth until 18.

I do wonder if I can handle posting about my past, any part of it, again. It’s hard to open up like this and feel judged for it. I know it has to make some people feel uncomfortable, especially if they grew up in a healthy or even semi-healthy environment with their parents or caregivers. However, maybe someone can relate to what I went through and know they aren’t alone.

I promise, I’ll go back to my fluffy posts from now on!

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posted on April 22nd 2012 at 8:05PM CST

Wow! The few times I have tried to talk to my parents about my childhood I have gotten similar responses to this. As a teen I was dragged to shrinks in attempts to convince me I was crazy. To this day anytime I do as much as mention my mother or sisters in a fb post my father goes nuts. I haven’t read your original post but I am assuming from these comments that your childhood was very very similar to mine. If you ever want to talk I would love that. Hugs from one who understands.

posted on April 22nd 2012 at 9:09PM CST

Yep! I remember when my parents were going through their divorce, the one child specific shrink trying to convince me to “draw a snake, and make it look like daddy!”. Uh. No.

My mother is hell bent on convincing us (me, my twin sister, and my brother) that we are BIPOLAR JUST LIKE HER OMGZZZ!

posted on April 22nd 2012 at 11:15PM CST

Yes! My parents kept trying to get the doctors to tell them I was bipolar. They said I had depression from my relationship with my mother. I am so glad you have the courage to say all this in an open forum. I am a blogger too but my blog is focused on a very specific subject and I am way too scared to write so openly. I used to and it got bad. At this point I have cut my sisters from my life. My parents and I are mostly estranged too.

posted on April 23rd 2012 at 7:19AM CST

HA! Yep! I remember when I was misdiagnosed Prozac when I was… 13? Maybe 14… and I sat in the guy’s office, who I was meeting for the FIRST time. ALONE. While he spoke to my mother on the PHONE and she told him I was bipolar and without even saying ONE WORD to me, gave a minor a prescription for Prozac. I lose 20lbs and didn’t sleep. Super fun.

I feel for you, it’s rough not having a decent family, much less a sane one!

TheFeministBreeder
posted on April 22nd 2012 at 8:10PM CST

Well, you’ve seen what my biomom writes online about me. You know that I get it. And I’m sorry.

posted on April 22nd 2012 at 9:11PM CST

I swear, if my mother knew how to blog, I’d have one dedicated to me heh.

I wish, so much, that I could just easily not think about it or just accept everything but… I can’t. I don’t think about it daily but enough to really wonder how I could have possibly deserved ANY of it when I was just a kid.

posted on April 22nd 2012 at 8:11PM CST

Oh and also I just caught the part about the saying she wished she had an abortion. My mother must have said that to me… 100,000 times during my childhood and teen years. When I was 8 she tripped me with a jump rope as a punishment and knocked me out when I hit the floor. I have a 1000 more stories like that. I have spent my whole adult life staying silent…. the last thing my father said to me was, “Why do you always portray us as abusive?” Every friend I had as a child as well as many people who knew our family then would easily answer that as, “because there was a ton of abuse.”

posted on April 22nd 2012 at 9:12PM CST

Yep! It was practically a daily mantra!!! It sounds like you had a similar childhood to me!

posted on April 22nd 2012 at 8:12PM CST

We don’t need fluffy posts. This blog is your space and if you want to use it to heal, go for it.

posted on April 22nd 2012 at 9:14PM CST

{{{hugs}}} Thank you that means a lot to me!

Adelyn
posted on April 24th 2012 at 7:35PM CST

If this was facebook, I would like this comment so much.

She said it best: We don’t need every single post be made of fluff. :)

Brittany
posted on April 22nd 2012 at 8:15PM CST

I don’t post often (or ever really), but I’ve been reading for around two years and I think you’re an INCREDIBLE person. Reading about your past reminds me of my mom’s life with her mother. I think it’s great and very brave to be so open about the things you’ve overcome and are still working through. My mom’s story makes me so proud of her and makes me appreciate what a great mom she has been. I’m sure your boys will feel the same about you. Keep doing what you’re doing!

posted on April 22nd 2012 at 9:15PM CST

Wow thank you!!!! I feel for your mother since it sounds like she had an abusive childhood.

I’ve been as open and honest with my kids about my past (as I can be to be age-appropriate) and I do feel like it helps them understand.

Zee
posted on April 22nd 2012 at 8:18PM CST

Wow, that is… insane. You shouldn’t have to apologize for writing what you WANT to write about. It is, after all, your blog. Your life. Your thoughts and feelings. If this is what helps you to heal, then you should be free to do it.

My childhood wasn’t as bad as yours but my mother wasn’t the best to me growing up and there are things that still to this day hinder me. They shouldn’t but they still do.

I admire you for writing about your past, I’m hoping to someday gain enough courage to do the same.

posted on April 22nd 2012 at 9:16PM CST

Thank you! It’s amazing isn’t it, how LONG words can impact us, how actions done 20+ years ago can still affect us.

Manda
posted on April 22nd 2012 at 8:18PM CST

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I cannot image how a mother could treat any of their children like this. I had an awesome childhood except for a few months when my mom succumbed to alcohol to help her through my Dad leaving her for another women. But that was nothing compared to what you went through and it only last for 1 summer and that was about 17 years ago. We made up long, long ago and I know that seeing my mom going through that and being on the receiving end of it has made damn sure that I will never drink alcohol.

posted on April 22nd 2012 at 9:17PM CST

Oh wow what a rough time for you both!! I’m thrilled that you have a good relationship after it!

Sewwy
posted on April 22nd 2012 at 8:24PM CST

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this absurd behaviour from your mum. I’m really kind of thankful that you did talk about your issues with her, though, as I know that I have struggled plenty with my own issues with my mum and I guess this kind of gives me a bit of courage to talk about it if I ever need to.

Is it at all possible to cut her from your life entirely? It may have the potential to help you heal properly once and for all?

posted on April 22nd 2012 at 9:20PM CST

I’ve not had contact with her in over a year. She still sends me letters in the mail but I just put them in the recycling bin outside. Even before that contact was sporadic. I send calls if they happen directly to voicemail and delete without listening. After turning 18, I only saw her, physically, twice after that. Once when I turned 22 and then again when I was 26.

I’ve been VERY clear to her that because of how she’s been my entire childhood, how she’s been to me as an adult, is why we can’t have a relationship.

Sewwy
posted on April 22nd 2012 at 10:19PM CST

That honestly makes it ten times more ridiculous that she’s acting like this. It’s pretty evident you don’t have a relationship. I think it’s fair that you would want to talk about it. Seems like she’s the one who needs to move on, then!

posted on April 22nd 2012 at 8:24PM CST

I’m sorry, Sarah. Hugs to you. I haven’t spoken to my Bio Dad in about 10 years or my adopted Dad in 2. He doesn’t even know I have a daughter. We all have our baggage I suppose :/

posted on April 22nd 2012 at 9:21PM CST

That’s rough! It makes me wonder how any of us managed to be semi-healthy after being raised by our parents heh.

posted on April 22nd 2012 at 9:08PM CST

Sarah..first, I’m so sorry to read about all of this happening to you as a child!! It’s just awful and I feel that if you want to write about it here, well, then that you should. It’s your blog, your space, your right! If someone doesn’t like it or is uncomfortable, then they don’t have to read…they can skip to your photos or “fluffy” posts. But some of us care and are sending you are caring and love the only way we can right now…through this blog. You are a good , creative and talented person, and a fantastic, loving and caring mom and if someone can’t tell that about your from your blog, and give you the space to vent and to heal, well, then that’s their problem. You be you! That’s who you are and why we are here…sending love and hugs!

posted on April 22nd 2012 at 9:22PM CST

Thank you so very much! That means a lot to me! I’ve always struggled with what to write here because I don’t have many normal or healthy childhood memories and my current life is very boring LOL!

posted on April 22nd 2012 at 9:11PM CST

Fluffy posts do not a complete blog make! I like reading EVERYTHING, Sarah. That’s what keeps your real readers coming back. *hugs and healing energy to you*

posted on April 22nd 2012 at 9:24PM CST

{{{hugs}}} Thank you!!!

Karyn
posted on April 22nd 2012 at 9:19PM CST

I am so SO sorry to hear read this. A few things stuck out in my mind, firstly this is not your fault. AT ALL. I’m a sexual abuse survivor, as well as someone who’s been med free (bipolar, borderline,PTSD, and ODD) and stable for three years and couldn’t be happier. Her using her mental illness as an excuse is awful, and just proves that you’re not at fault. It took me years to learn that.
Second what you do with your children is your business alone and shouldn’t have to be defended.
Third, really? Porn? Toys? How old were you? Just wow.
You can get through this, and while it will take time counseling isn’t always the answer, everyone is different. I hope that you find the peace you so deserve. You are STRONG to have survived this, and to be able to have a family is AMAZING. Never forget that you’ve got people here for you. Even me.

posted on April 22nd 2012 at 9:27PM CST

The inappropriate sexual stuff started around the time I got my first period. There is an actual story to my first period but it’s graphic and I don’t know if I can handle sharing it online yet.

The toy situation happened / plus super graphic sexual talk / happened when I came down for my 18th birthday for a visit.

The having porn on the tv while eating dinner? That was from about 15-17.

Karyn
posted on April 22nd 2012 at 9:41PM CST

Oh wow, I am SO sorry. Oh and I double checked and as long as you don’t use your mother’s info (first and last name, address or where she works) she can’t sue for anything.

Joni Rae
posted on April 22nd 2012 at 9:26PM CST

Don’t be fluffy- just be you. I said it before and I’ll say it again, you childhood f-ing SUCKED. I’m sorry.

(((HUG)))

posted on April 22nd 2012 at 9:27PM CST

{{{{hugs}}}} thank you!!!!

Samantha
posted on April 22nd 2012 at 10:20PM CST

She still sounds sick. My mom only accused me of being bipolar when she was off her medication… She seemed to think she knew everything about me and clearly see into my mind and that she was somehow a psychiatrist due to her illness. Your mother’s accusatory tone sounds like that too… She deffers her bad parenting skills on to you by using what fragments she can remember (all negative) in order to put on some kind of vengeful “you’re no holier than I” b.s.As for Fluffiness? Absolutely unnecessary if this is what helps you. I’ve followed you for YEARS and all I’ve ever seen is a wonderful woman doing the best for her family. You’re awesome and lovely and kind and talented and GREAT! Your blog, your rules! I’ll always be reading.

posted on April 23rd 2012 at 1:47PM CST

Aww thank you! Yeah, and I NEVER EVER understood why I was singled out and labeled the “bad” one out of all three of us kids. It’s probably the issue I struggle with most, with both parents really.

Samantha
posted on April 23rd 2012 at 1:55PM CST

If you were home more often than your siblings, or reacted with sadness more than your siblings, or reacted with fear more than your siblings, an abusive person sees that as weakness and will pick on the “weakest” child. All things that go wrong are blamed on the “weakest” child. If your sister and brother reacted by shutting down or agreeing with your mom instead of showing emotion, they weren’t as easy to pick on. The most emotional child will, obviously, harbour feelings of resentment and sadness, and might be provoked. Abusers are always looking for a fight so they provoke it the best they can in the person who responds most emotionally to their abuse. This is in no way the abused child’s fault – they are reacting the way that almost anyone would – it’s all the abusers perception. They want a fight, they want to hurt and they want a reaction and they will pick on the child most likely to have an emotional reaction.

I don’t know your situation well enough to know whether this applies to your family, but it did in mine.

posted on April 23rd 2012 at 2:24PM CST

Oh I’ve always cried. With EVERY emotion practically. My siblings are VERY different from me. Super headstrong, large personalities, focused, etc. I’m very… in the clouds. Drives my husband crazy sometimes LOL because he’ll have to say something 4x before I look up from whatever I’m engrossed in (it’s REALLY bad when my boys are teeny, the cuteness it’s distracting!) and go “huh?”.

That sounds SO MUCH like how it was growing up for me.

Amber
posted on April 22nd 2012 at 10:23PM CST

As one of Sarah’s friends who has known her from the high school period she speaks of, I can confirm a lot of what her mom has done to her. I would have Sarah come stay over during rough patches, would see some of the absurd actions her mother would do….. I was appalled but I cared (and still do) for Sarah and tried to help her whenever I could. Sari, I got your back, kitten! Loves!<3

posted on April 23rd 2012 at 1:48PM CST

<3 love and more love. You were there for it all in ALLLL of its glory.

Linda Ursin
posted on April 22nd 2012 at 11:01PM CST

I’m sorry you had to get that response from her. If it helps you, keep writing aout it. I don’t mind at all. It’s your time to heal, not her time to vent.

posted on April 23rd 2012 at 1:49PM CST

Thank you, I really appreciate that!

Chynna
posted on April 23rd 2012 at 9:26AM CST

Thank you for sharing so honestly about your childhood! My bio-dad is very similar to your mother, but luckily I didn’t have to be around him much in my life. People who grew up in “golden glow” families have no way of understanding the lingering effects this type of abuse can have on a person. I know nothing I can say can make any of this better for you, but your bravery makes the rest of us who grew up with abuse realize that we are not alone. Please keep writing what you feel compelled to share, not limiting yourself to just fluff to appease *some* readers.

posted on April 29th 2012 at 3:30AM CST

Exactly, people generally don’t know how to relate to the kind of upbringing I had because it’s normally something you read about or see on TV, not someone you actually KNOW.

posted on April 23rd 2012 at 9:40AM CST

So I won’t go too much into my own details, but I feel similarly about my Dad. I mean, my whole childhood is a huge clusterfuck but at least my Mom has been there for me more than my Dad ever was or could be. But I did want to make note of one very important thing.

I have bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed when I was 16. It’s possible that since then my diagnosis has changed. I went to two shrinks after having my son and they both tried to convince me that my past diagnosis was just all in my head and that the severe depression I was in was just me being attention-seeking. (sigh…)

So, like I said, I have bipolar. I have a six year old son. I am completely unmedicated (due to aforementioned them thinking I am just attention seeking and not having health insurance) and I am completely capable of doing things like, you know, not telling Corbin I want to burn him alive. Somehow I manage to run a household, take care of Munchkin, do homework, take care of my Mom, etc and all without telling them I wish I had an abortion or you know – other abusive crap. For her to use bipolar as an excuse is just… disgusting. It really plays into the whole “Bipolar people can’t help themselves” crap. And yes, I understand that bipolar is a serious mental illness but holy cow – have some responsibility. You said hateful things, own up to it. It’s not like saying “I’m sorry” in a humble manner would fix everything but it would be a step in the right direction to owning up to your screwed up issues and maybe trying to better yourself.

So… okay, basically, I’m sorry and I understand to an extent (my Dad was a whack-a-doodle) and I hope that you have a good day.

posted on May 3rd 2012 at 7:06PM CST

I have no words but epic and awesome. Your comment is full of win!

posted on May 3rd 2012 at 7:14PM CST

It’s befitting because you are also full of epic and awesome and win!

Amanda Jillian
posted on April 23rd 2012 at 10:24AM CST

My word your mother does live in a fantasy world. Gee.

posted on May 3rd 2012 at 7:06PM CST

I’m just that special heh.

posted on April 23rd 2012 at 11:00AM CST

Bullies don’t like it when you stand up to them. That is what you did. You stood up to your bully… the person who should have protected you and made you feel special. This post makes me want to call my mom and thank her making me who I am today, and then I want to call my 20yr old daughter and wish her luck on her finals. I don’t know if I’d have your strength if that were my situation. From reading your past posts, you are creative, intelligent and a caring mom, but you don’t need us to tell you that. :)

posted on May 3rd 2012 at 7:07PM CST

Aww thank you! I wish it didn’t take me over 20 years to SAY something about it.

Brocc
posted on April 23rd 2012 at 12:16PM CST

To survive our parents might be the most challenging thing when we are children. Taking it as an opportunity to understand our history and be better persons make us wiser, so I congratulate you for trying to heal the terrible past :)

posted on May 3rd 2012 at 7:10PM CST

Thank you!!!

Ali
posted on April 23rd 2012 at 2:23PM CST

No fluff please! Unless you enjoy throwing one in here and there. The real stuff is what we want. There are a bajillion people out there afraid to be real, but you are putting it out there. I have so much respect for you for that. You’re amazing!

posted on May 3rd 2012 at 7:11PM CST

Thank you!! It’s hard because I feel like I’m always posting “and then this person abused me and then this person…” makes my life seem so jacked up!

posted on April 23rd 2012 at 3:21PM CST

Well, to be honest, you are a bad influence in the make up department. I once went out and bought 5 new nail polishes because of a picture you posted. ;-)

In all seriousness, my heart hurts for you. I have seen some friends in my life go through similar situations. My house was the place where friends (and my brothers’ friends) would come to escape the reality of their own abusive households. I’ve seen firsthand how it causes damage and it’s not something you can just “get over” in your life. I can’t imagine what it is like to grow up with a mother like that and I can’t imagine being that type of mother. Reading this makes me want to hug my kids and hope that I never make them feel bad. You are a strong woman and an inspiration. I’m so sorry you have had to deal with this throughout your life. I can see, though, that you have risen above it.

posted on May 3rd 2012 at 7:12PM CST

LOL!!! Which polishes?

I would go to my friend’s house, Amber, most of the time. I hated going home because I never knew what to expect. It was super intense and stressful.

Crystal
posted on April 24th 2012 at 7:21AM CST

I just wanted to let you know that I read this… I don’t have words, because I really can’t wrap my head around her flavor of crazy.

posted on May 3rd 2012 at 7:13PM CST

{{hugs}} thank you!

posted on April 27th 2012 at 10:43AM CST

OMG, Sarah! Don’t ever apologize for being honest. You are doing something that is cathartic not only for yourself, but for all the daughters of narcissistic, boderline/bipolar, emotionally abusive moms out there. When we read your accounts, we breathe a sigh of relief too–we’re not alone after all!

This reminds me so much of the time when HipMama published an online essay of mine that made my mom so furious she felt compelled to not only post her own rant about it on my MySpace page (this was in the wild pre-Facebook years), but to create a FAKE account in my dad’s name to make it seem as though he was crapping all over me, too!

People like our moms will do anything (and everything) to gaslight you, to make YOU feel like the problem. You’re not. Keep doing what you need to do to stay emotionally whole for yourself and for your children. Breaking the cycle is a hard work, but it’s doable, and you sound like you are well on your way!

posted on May 3rd 2012 at 7:18PM CST

I didn’t know you had an upbringing like mine! Oh yes, my mother has SO MANY facebook accounts, twitter accounts, email addresses… when I found that message board thread about her? It was SO disturbing to me, even more so than MY life with her because it felt like it was OUT THERE now.

posted on May 1st 2012 at 11:25AM CST

My husband had a similar, craptastic relationship with his mother. Perhaps not as extreme, but definitely eerily alike. She too has it in her head that she was a GOOD mother. Nothing bad that happened was EVER her fault. BiPolar personalities are frightening. I hope you know that you are not alone out there.

posted on May 3rd 2012 at 7:20PM CST

Oh yes, the party line is “I did my best!”. It makes me wonder what her “worst” was then heh.

Lauren @ Hobo Mama
posted on May 2nd 2012 at 5:29AM CST

Clearly the makeup is the problem hereā€¦ Gah, sorry you’re having to deal with her nonsense as you’re trying to heal from it. Hugs to you.

posted on May 3rd 2012 at 7:23PM CST

Damn Sephora LOL!

posted on May 15th 2012 at 4:31PM CST

Oh love. I wish I could have a coffee with you. We could have an amazing therapy session together. My mom married a man and he adopted me when I was 2. Yet all my life he favored “his” kids over me and I tended to get the short end of the stick for everything. It’s a horrible feeling to be treated like you aren’t “good enough.” To this day he still acts like that to me when all my siblings get together. Yet he will never own up to his actions. That just scratches the surface to my story. One day I’ll put a 2,3,4, or 5 part post on my own blog. When the time is right. Letting go of someone is the hardest but most weightlifting thing to do. Good luck on your journey.

Kristina Brooke
posted on July 14th 2012 at 10:04PM CST

I was raised by a Narcissistic Mom and it sounds so much like your mom with you being the scapegoat and your sister being the golden child. I wrote about some of my experiences on my blog too. NEVER apologize. Never respond. Write what you know if true. Write so that you can heal and the hell with what she things or wants. Delete her comments. Don’t respond. You’ll feel better in the long run.

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