I am so SO sorry to hear read this. A few things stuck out in my mind, firstly this is not your fault. AT ALL. I’m a sexual abuse survivor, as well as someone who’s been med free (bipolar, borderline,PTSD, and ODD) and stable for three years and couldn’t be happier. Her using her mental illness as an excuse is awful, and just proves that you’re not at fault. It took me years to learn that.
Second what you do with your children is your business alone and shouldn’t have to be defended.
Third, really? Porn? Toys? How old were you? Just wow.
You can get through this, and while it will take time counseling isn’t always the answer, everyone is different. I hope that you find the peace you so deserve. You are STRONG to have survived this, and to be able to have a family is AMAZING. Never forget that you’ve got people here for you. Even me.