Now granted, that’s not possible in the biological sense but in the emotional sense? I finally released myself from desiring a healthy relationship with my mother.
I grew up in an abusive household. I have very few memories from my childhood. My counselor from when I was a teenager told me I was repressing the trauma. Fantastic.
I do remember being 5 or maybe 6 years old and refusing to take some liquid medicine (I can only assume I had a cold?) and having my mother throw the medicine in my face, calling me a little bitch, and making me take a bath while blaming me for her actions.
I was always labeled the “bad one”, which, being a twin, seems to hurt a bit more for some reason. I could do no right, I was always being told how she wished she could have aborted me, how I reminded her of my father. I was always to blame for HER struggles in life.
She informed me on my 15th birthday that she had married a man I had never met, who was in jail at the time, by running to the bank and asking me to “grab my new marriage license from the glove box!”.
She would lament on what an awful daughter I was to anyone who would listen. I was a dropout from high school (I worked two fast food jobs instead), yet every time I came to her for educational support, I was ignored or hit or screamed at. She would tell people I was an alcoholic or doing drugs but then buy me wine coolers and cigarettes. She would accuse me of being a thief while taking the child support checks she got from my father and spending them on antique dishes or fabrics.
I will skip over the numerous times that she sent me to teen shelters (while “keeping” my twin sister), or how she had no problem driving me to the airport to live with a guy I met online (who ended up being DS1’s abusive bio-dad, ironic).
Our relationship once I became a mother became off and on. She would tell me that I was doing a great job with my son and then gossip maliciously behind my back, about my breastfeeding, co-sleeping, overall attachment parenting in general.
By the time I became pregnant with DS2, she tried to get back into my good graces. She would send me boxes and boxes of baby clothes she won from auctions, of which I was grateful. Granted, the majority of the clothing is in storage because it was seasonally inappropriate (a thick winter jacket sized for the middle of summer). However I appreciated the effort involved as I was so sick and on bedrest that I couldn’t go out shopping.
Then it turns out the clothing had “strings” attached. Every time I didn’t email her quick enough, or answer her phone calls, I would get an email or a voicemail attacking me or trying to make me feel guilty for not responding. How she spent money purchasing those baby clothes, so I OWED her now. That again, I was a terrible daughter for putting her through so much.
She met my first son when he was 18 months old. She has never met my second son. She didn’t ever make an effort to be their grandmother. They have no grandmother really as both my mother and their bio-father’s mothers’ never took an interest in them.
It kills me. I had a very close relationship with my maternal grandmother and had always wanted that for my boys.
By the time December of 2009 had rolled around. I had enough. It had me completely stressed out. I would panic every time I saw her number appear on my caller id, dreaded the mail arriving for fear of another written letter on how much of a disappointment I was to her. She made false promises to my oldest son about gifts she would send him but never would. It tore at me how excited he would get to see the mail truck arrive, only to NOT receive the “promised toys”.
I decided to cut her out of our lives. I didn’t want my children being exposed to her toxic nature.
Life has overall been peaceful since I made that choice. Granted, she will still send me emails, or I have my sister notify me of what our mother is saying about me. I try to take into account that my brother has also cut her out of his life so it can’t just be ME and MY thinking. I just try and ignore it. I don’t respond.
Whenever I would try to bring up the abuse she did to me, she would blame my father, blame DS1’s bio-dad, blame her mother (my grandmother)… she never takes any accountability for HER actions.
Snippets from Recent Emails
I AM THE ONLY MOTHER YOU WILL EVER HAVE.I AM DEEPLY HURT BY YOUR SILENCE. I AM MAKING A WILL. IF I DONT HEAR FROM YOU SOON I WILL LEAVE EVERYTHING I HAVE TO YOUR SISTER.
YOU DID TERRIBLE THINGS TO ME GROWING UP, BUT I DONT HOLD THEM AGAINST YOU OR THINK ABOUT THEM. LET THE PAST STAY IN THE PAST! THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS. GOD FORBID SOMETHING WOULD EVER HAPPEN TO KEITH. WHAT WOULD YOU DO? WHO WILL BE THERE FOR YOU ?????
I FEEL USED AND ABUSED. TO HAVE TWO ADULT CHILDREN OF MINE TURN THEIR BACKS ON ME I CAN NEVER FORGIVE THEM. I CERTAINLY DONT DESERVE THE WAY THEY HAVE TREATED ME FOR YEARS. I LEAVE THEM NOTHING BEHIND WHEN I DIE. IT ALL GOES TO YOU.
The worst would come from the written letters. Full of vile and hate really.
Would I want a relationship with my mother today? No. I don’t trust her. I, in some ways, even fear her.
Would I want my children to have a relationship with their grandmother? Yes. However, l don’t want my children getting hurt. She has already displayed her lack of interest in my children over the last 8 years. She has expressed that she feels that way partly because they are boys (she vastly prefers my niece, her granddaughter who she made an effort to visit as a baby).
How is your relationship with your parents? If you have them, with your in-laws?