4755675733_5c6360e753_o

Now granted, that’s not possible in the biological sense but in the emotional sense? I finally released myself from desiring a healthy relationship with my mother.

I grew up in an abusive household. I have very few memories from my childhood. My counselor from when I was a teenager told me I was repressing the trauma. Fantastic.

I do remember being 5 or maybe 6 years old and refusing to take some liquid medicine (I can only assume I had a cold?) and having my mother throw the medicine in my face, calling me a little bitch, and making me take a bath while blaming me for her actions.

I was always labeled the “bad one”, which, being a twin, seems to hurt a bit more for some reason. I could do no right, I was always being told how she wished she could have aborted me, how I reminded her of my father. I was always to blame for HER struggles in life.

She informed me on my 15th birthday that she had married a man I had never met, who was in jail at the time, by running to the bank and asking me to “grab my new marriage license from the glove box!”.

She would lament on what an awful daughter I was to anyone who would listen. I was a dropout from high school (I worked two fast food jobs instead), yet every time I came to her for educational support, I was ignored or hit or screamed at. She would tell people I was an alcoholic or doing drugs but then buy me wine coolers and cigarettes. She would accuse me of being a thief while taking the child support checks she got from my father and spending them on antique dishes or fabrics.

I will skip over the numerous times that she sent me to teen shelters (while “keeping” my twin sister), or how she had no problem driving me to the airport to live with a guy I met online (who ended up being DS1’s abusive bio-dad, ironic).

Our relationship once I became a mother became off and on. She would tell me that I was doing a great job with my son and then gossip maliciously behind my back, about my breastfeeding, co-sleeping, overall attachment parenting in general.

By the time I became pregnant with DS2, she tried to get back into my good graces. She would send me boxes and boxes of baby clothes she won from auctions, of which I was grateful. Granted, the majority of the clothing is in storage because it was seasonally inappropriate (a thick winter jacket sized for the middle of summer). However I appreciated the effort involved as I was so sick and on bedrest that I couldn’t go out shopping.

Then it turns out the clothing had “strings” attached. Every time I didn’t email her quick enough, or answer her phone calls, I would get an email or a voicemail attacking me or trying to make me feel guilty for not responding. How she spent money purchasing those baby clothes, so I OWED her now. That again, I was a terrible daughter for putting her through so much.

She met my first son when he was 18 months old. She has never met my second son. She didn’t ever make an effort to be their grandmother. They have no grandmother really as both my mother and their bio-father’s mothers’ never took an interest in them.

It kills me. I had a very close relationship with my maternal grandmother and had always wanted that for my boys.

By the time December of 2009 had rolled around. I had enough. It had me completely stressed out. I would panic every time I saw her number appear on my caller id, dreaded the mail arriving for fear of another written letter on how much of a disappointment I was to her. She made false promises to my oldest son about gifts she would send him but never would. It tore at me how excited he would get to see the mail truck arrive, only to NOT receive the “promised toys”.

I decided to cut her out of our lives. I didn’t want my children being exposed to her toxic nature.

Life has overall been peaceful since I made that choice. Granted, she will still send me emails, or I have my sister notify me of what our mother is saying about me. I try to take into account that my brother has also cut her out of his life so it can’t just be ME and MY thinking. I just try and ignore it. I don’t respond.

Whenever I would try to bring up the abuse she did to me, she would blame my father, blame DS1’s bio-dad, blame her mother (my grandmother)… she never takes any accountability for HER actions.

Snippets from Recent Emails

I AM THE ONLY MOTHER YOU WILL EVER HAVE.I AM DEEPLY HURT BY YOUR SILENCE. I AM MAKING A WILL. IF I DONT HEAR FROM YOU SOON I WILL LEAVE EVERYTHING I HAVE TO YOUR SISTER.

YOU DID TERRIBLE THINGS TO ME GROWING UP, BUT I DONT HOLD THEM AGAINST YOU OR THINK ABOUT THEM. LET THE PAST STAY IN THE PAST! THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS. GOD FORBID SOMETHING WOULD EVER HAPPEN TO KEITH. WHAT WOULD YOU DO? WHO WILL BE THERE FOR YOU ?????

I FEEL USED AND ABUSED. TO HAVE TWO ADULT CHILDREN OF MINE TURN THEIR BACKS ON ME I CAN NEVER FORGIVE THEM. I CERTAINLY DONT DESERVE THE WAY THEY HAVE TREATED ME FOR YEARS. I LEAVE THEM NOTHING BEHIND WHEN I DIE. IT ALL GOES TO YOU.

The worst would come from the written letters. Full of vile and hate really.

Would I want a relationship with my mother today? No. I don’t trust her. I, in some ways, even fear her.

Would I want my children to have a relationship with their grandmother? Yes. However, l don’t want my children getting hurt. She has already displayed her lack of interest in my children over the last 8 years. She has expressed that she feels that way partly because they are boys (she vastly prefers my niece, her granddaughter who she made an effort to visit as a baby).

How is your relationship with your parents? If you have them, with your in-laws?

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posted on July 8th 2010 at 12:20AM CST

WOW! I was sooo sad when I read this. I am so sorry to hear what a rough childhood you have had. I’m actually quite speechless that a mother can treat her daughter the way she does you. I hope that you can somehow get pass this and heal. Sending you a big hug!!!

posted on July 8th 2010 at 4:32PM CST

Thank you for your sympathy! In some ways, the fact that she did SO MUCH to me but favored my brother and sister is even worse than the abuse itself.

Dez
posted on July 8th 2010 at 12:30AM CST

Your Mother sounds like my Mother and my Mother-In-Law, which I find saddening.

My childhood sucked. Neither of my parents rocked. My Father was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive to me, but for my siblings? They could do no wrong. It wasn’t until I moved out on my own that our relationship improved. I’ll never be able to forgive him for everything, but it was something I needed to move on from.

As for my Mother…I haven’t spoken to her in over a year, almost two. I decided I would no longer put myself through her self-inflicted drama. That I would not live my life for her. There is just too much that I could go into about why I had to make that decision, but I do know what you’re going through. :( I will tell you though that it was the best decision I’ve ever made.

Now… the Mother In Law. God… she’s insane. Takes no blame for anything. Everything is Jeremy’s fault and Jeremy is this selfish immature guy who’s abusive and just vicious. She gave up her life to raise him as a single Mother. She can’t work because ZOMG PAIN. Etc. An excuse for everything. She’s very… “Oh you are doing what I want so I like you…WAIT YOU WONT GIVE ME MONEY?! I HATE YOU! NO WILL FOR YOU!”

To make it worse she then in turn forwards me their e-mails and demands that I not support Jeremy in his choices and how I’m a horrible wife and starts in on personal insults. I’ve actually started ignoring all her e-mails for the past couple months. According to Jeremy she’s upset about it. Oh well.

I wish I had a better relationship with the female relations in my life, but I don’t and I never will because I value myself much more than I do THAT kind of relationship.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 4:35PM CST

My father is no angel either. When I do not live with him, we have an… OK relationship, however he abused me emotionally/mentally/physically as a child and as an adult while I lived with him.

It’s hard for me to comes to terms with it all. That BOTH my parents have wished me dead at one point or another.

Oh wow, from your Mother and MIL it sounds like you know exactly what I’ve had to deal with!

Mari
posted on July 8th 2010 at 12:30AM CST

my maternal grandmother and grandfather adopted me when i was either born or when i was two. i can’t get a straight answer from anybody and when i’ve petitioned to get my records open i’ve been turned down. so i have to wait until my parents die before i can petition again and see them. it’s dumb. i can’t get straight answers about me from anybody.

i met my dad when i was 12 or 13 and was all about this person. i was one of those little girls who idolized her daddy – because i didn’t have one. my grandfather divorced my grandmother when i was three or four, and i never saw him. (part of their divorce agreement was that she had to sell the house when i turned 18 and they split what it earned!)

but everybody kept telling me my dad was a dick and that i was better off just staying away from him, but me being me kept wanting to be with / around / near him. (what i really needed was somebody who gave a damn, but it took me a long time to figure that out)

i lived with him for two or three weeks in august 1995. i was 26. at one point my half-brother (who’s since been proven not my brother at all; i’m the only genetic offspring my dad ever had HA) stole every penny i had in my purse – $80. my dad told me i wasn’t allowed to argue.

then my dad and stepmom took off out of town for a weekend and he left absolutely no food in the house. none. no. food.

so that’s when i quit.

i’ve only seen him once since then and that was an accident. preston and i were in best buy in october 2003, and i looked up and there was my dad on the other side of the dvd rack from where i was. we looked up and right at each other. he came around and we talked, and he hugged me and told me he loved me. and i’ve not seen him or heard from him since.

Mari
posted on July 8th 2010 at 12:35AM CST

i want to say that my relationship with preston’s parents is one of the best relationships i’ve ever had with anybody. i call them mom and dad and that’s what they call themselves to me – they even introduce me as their daughter. lol preston has sworn for almost 15 years now that they love me more than they do him. LOL they’re more my family and more my parents than anyone else on this earth ever will be. they’ve taken care of me more than anyone else ever has. (other than their son, you know ;)) they’ve clothed me, fed me, and they gave me a place to live after only ever having met me one time (in september 1992) after i became homeless in october 1995 – after i couldn’t move back in with my grandmother because she moved into a one bedroom government housing apartment after i graduated from high school and because my mom told me that i could never live with her for any reason.

preston’s parents are angels. :)

posted on July 8th 2010 at 9:07PM CST

That is ridiculous that you can’t get your records!! I am THRILLED that you have Preston’s parents in your live!

mari
posted on July 9th 2010 at 5:42AM CST

when i petitioned to see my records in 1992 i was told that “someone still living” wasn’t giving me permission. it could have been either of my grandparents or my mom or my dad. given that my mom is only 16 years older than me i could have a long wait getting into those records.

and yes it’s dumb. they’re about me. they’re MY records. it’s stupid that adoptees can’t get into information about themselves.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 12:31AM CST

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I have a friend whose mother is toxic and she finally had to cut ties with her in order to gain some peace but she still struggles with their lack of a loving relationship.

My relationship with my parents and my MIL is good. However, my husband’s father has proven to be unreliable and too self-involved to be considered a good father, FIL or grandfather.

As much as I think that family is important, I firmly believe that blood or DNA shouldn’t be the sole determining factor as to whether you’re in someone’s life or not.

Mari
posted on July 8th 2010 at 12:36AM CST

As much as I think that family is important, I firmly believe that blood or DNA shouldn’t be the sole determining factor as to whether you’re in someone’s life or not.

hear hear

my boys don’t even know my dad exists and i want to keep it that way. they think my stepdad is their biological grandfather. they’re going to think that for the rest of my natural life.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 9:09PM CST

The older I get the more I get upset on my boys behalf that they don’t have a large extended family. They have one grandfather (Keith’s dad passed away many years ago) who takes an interest… every once in a while, and the grandmothers aren’t involved at all by their choice.

I agree with you, people I consider family tend not to be related by blood.

Keeshia
posted on July 8th 2010 at 12:32AM CST

“GOD FORBID SOMETHING WOULD EVER HAPPEN TO KEITH. WHAT WOULD YOU DO? WHO WILL BE THERE FOR YOU ?????”

If you didn’t have anywhere to go I would immediately give you a home. <3 I'd even come get you if need be.

Anyhow, your mother doesn't deserve you, nor your boys, in her life – at all, in any way. You'll just have to replace her with awesome Godmothers or something :)

As for me, my mother and grandmother were always there for me. I have a wonderful relationship with my mother and it saddens me how many women I know who weren't so lucky. It's so depressing :(

And as for my in-laws, I couldn't have asked for better. They are all the sweetest and most wonderful people.

Anyhow, chin up! We all love you and are willing to fill the holes in your life to make you a happier person because you deserve to be happy <3

posted on July 8th 2010 at 9:10PM CST

{{hugs}} You are too sweet!!

Amy
posted on July 8th 2010 at 1:30AM CST

I am so sorry that you’ve been through something like that. As a survivor of child abuse myself, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

As for my family, it’s rather…hard to follow for most people.

My mother got pregnant at 21 and my biological father did not want me at the time. She met and married a man named Dan before I was born, who is my legal father. Dan had extreme mental issues. He physically abused my mother and he sexually abused me from the ages of 2-4. My mother had no idea he was doing it and left him at the first signs she noticed of trouble, but it was too late by then. He (and some of his friends) had already done many things to me (including holding me underwater when I tried to run). When I was 12, Dan sent my mother a letter, begging to see me and my younger sister (his biological daughter). She refused, naturally, even though he claimed he had heart problems and could die at any time. We just assumed it was more of his manipulative ways. Dan died when I was 17. As it turned out, he had been medicated for extreme mental issues and in extensive therapy for his own abuse. He went on to marry someone else, had several well-loved children with her, and was even a prominent member in his church. I’ve long forgiven what he did to me and I regret that I never saw him or gave him a chance.

As for my biological father, he came back into my life when I was 6 and decided to play house. When he was bored (when I was 9 or 10), he left again. I barely saw him until I was 18. When I was 18, major drama went down in the family (his side of the family will not even speak to me because of lies he told). I didn’t speak to him again for 4 years, but when I was 22, I needed a job and he owned a pizza shop and was in a position to give me one. I emailed him and told him that it was the least he could do after treating me the way he did while I was growing up. We became closer when I started working there. His wild ways have settled down and he’s married to someone new. I still have not completely forgiven him for things that were said and done, but we’re closer than we ever have been before.

As for my mother, she was mostly great. She tried her best, but she was very set on the idea that my sister and I needed a Daddy (she was married soon after my biological father left again). My stepdad never abused us in any way, but he’d grown up being raised by nannies. The most important things in his family were money and prestige, so he didn’t know how to relate to kids well. He loved us, but we never realized it until we were adults.

My relationship has deteriorated over the years with my mother. We’re still superficially close and I love her, but she’s fallen into a deep depression over the years and let herself go physically, mentally and emotionally. She refuses to listen to anyone about getting any real help and makes up excuses, and I don’t talk to her as much as I used to because of it.

I so did not mean to write a book, I’m sorry! :)

posted on July 8th 2010 at 9:15PM CST

I am so very sorry that you had such a tough upbringing. It really screws with your head on what’s healthy or not with other people doesn’t it!

Sara
posted on July 8th 2010 at 1:44AM CST

I started reading your post assuming your history with your mom was a lot of the blame game… but that’s obviously not the case. I don’t blame you at all for cutting her out of your life. It’s one thing when a parent is a drama llama. My Mom likes to raise drama, but it’s never abusive. It’s never vile and cruel. Even if you WERE a difficult child, no action you could have done would ever justify those stories. She was horrible to you, and I hate knowing that you had to come to terms with the fact that it was never YOU all along but HER. I can’t imagine how hard that is.

Don’t worry about her response to all this. *hugs*

posted on July 8th 2010 at 9:19PM CST

I actually didn’t touch on the worst of it because it’s hard for me to accept and verbalize.

It took me until I was 28yrs old to realize that I wasn’t this awful disgusting vile person. Years of being told that I was from my parents, from DS1’s bio-dad, it really took a toll on me.

It’s almost like quitting an addiction really, every so often the urge flares up, to contact her, to ask her WHY, especially if my sister brings her up like she did recently, “You should go back to school so our parents can FINALLY be proud of you”. Statements like that send me into a spiral of self doubt for days at a time ugh.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 2:39AM CST

Oh I am so sorry. I could never imagine that, as I have wonderful relationship with my mother and ok one with my MIL.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 9:12PM CST

I am actually pleased to hear that you have a healthy relationship with the “mothers” in your life! That’s great!

Leonor
posted on July 8th 2010 at 5:19AM CST

Damn, I’m just so sorry for all the pain you went through. :( You didn’t deserve any of that. You are right to sever the links you might have had with your mother, because that relationship did you no good. By giving up on toxic people, you’re first and foremost protecting yourself, your partner but also your children, and just for the sake of the kids you have made the best and wisest choice ever. How is your relationship with Keith’s parents?

I can’t relate to your story since I have an excellent relationship with both my parents (which wasn’t the case a couple of years ago, you know, teenage dramas *rolls eyes*). My mother and I can spend hours together shopping, laughing, talking, hanging out in a pub… I don’t see my father often as he is a high-ranking officer in the French Navy and currently working abroad, but still, as fulfilling and beautiful as it can get: we often go to nice restaurants and museums together, a father-daughter thing.

My maternal grandmother is 89, and she’s practically my best friend. Since my grandfather’s death in ’97, she’s been living on her own in a little flat and her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren go visit her every day. A young woman at heart, she is.

My in-laws are fantastic: my boyfriend’s mother battled cancer for two years and won! The first time I saw her, she was completely bald because of the chemo and said “sorry for the lack of hair but I’m not a hairy person”. She’s so brave. My father-in-law is like my father: secretive, highly sensitive, shy, and the most intelligent person I have ever met. But I’m like a daughter to them.

My boyfriend enjoys the same relationship with both my parents and his. So overall, we’re a pretty happy family. Both our parents were thrilled when we got engaged.

Sarah, you just create your own happiness with your beautiful family and get on with your life. You might struggle with the bad memories of your childhood and youth, and the fact that your kids are safe and happy WITHOUT her. That’s proof enough!

posted on July 8th 2010 at 9:23PM CST

My relationship with Keith’s parents don’t exist. Sadly, his father passed away over a decade ago and his mother sort of has her own live a few states away and isn’t really involved with her son, me, or the boys.

Thank you so much for commenting! Both Keith and I are VERY family orientated so it’s hard not HAVING a larger circle for the boys (blood related or not).

posted on July 8th 2010 at 8:26AM CST

The older I get, the more I realize how blessed I am with my parents. Of course we also realize as we get older how many mistakes they made, and still make. But when it’s all said and done, my parents have always had our best interests in mind and love my kids.

I work with someone who has many unresolved issues with her parents and I couldn’t really understand her animosity. I used to tell my husband about her situation and her inability to accept and get past her parents’ divorce. My parents divorced when I was 16 and while it was a rough time and I had to grow up and become the other parent in each of my parents’ households for my younger siblings, I didn’t grow to resent them. I understood they made mistakes with us, with each other, and while all moments with them were NOT roses and sunflowers, many times they were anything BUT…..they were human. It wasn’t my place to persecute them or feel resentment or hatred. So I told my husband why couldn’t others simply accept their parents as human, as mistake makers, and either choose a relationship with them or move on?

He seemed to think I was an exception to the divorce and distraught parenting rule. He sided with her. So I tried very hard to understand her point of view, and your story just now gives me further insight. I think I would have made the same choice you did, by removing her influence from your life. To simplify. To relieve. But I will never understand what it’s like to NOT have a mother, an active mother, a loving grandmother to my kids, in our lives. I hope for your sake that it continues to be peaceful and you can find good grandmother substitutes. Oftentimes we have people in our lives who take the place of others who should be there. Look around and see if you’re blessed with good substitutes. :)

Sorry this was so long. I just like leaving comments.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 9:27PM CST

Oh yes, I think a lot of people in my situation don’t like discussing it, and I’ve left a LOT out actually because it still hurts pretty bad.

So because things are not said, people assume it can’t be that bad, or that the “child” is over-reacting when it’s not the case.

I am pleased that you have a good relationship with your parents!

Christina
posted on July 8th 2010 at 8:29AM CST

After reading your post I feel very lucky and grateful to have my parents. My grandmother (my mother’s mom), was not the best mother, but my mother was wonderful and still is. I live across the street from my parents. I wanted to be out on my own, but not far. My mother and father are still together and have been for 25 years. I mean, I’ve had spats with my parents and they’ve had spats with each other, but my upbringing was fine and so was my brothers. My parents have never done something that wasn’t forgivable. And I would never have to be afraid of them or afraid for my children (if I ever have any).

I am very sorry to hear about your relationship with your mother. But it sounds better and safer to stay away from her.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 9:40PM CST

That is awesome that you grew up in a loving home and that your parents are still married! That is sadly, SO uncommon these days!

Kristin Glasbergen
posted on July 8th 2010 at 8:43AM CST

Wow Sarah, I am overwhelmed with heartbreak for you. I think you are showing extreme strength and wisdom by cutting her out of your life. Both for yourself and your boys. Being a great mother to your kids and a great grandmother to their kids will build you a solid family. A healthy family.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 9:44PM CST

Thank you so very much for commenting! That is my goal, it doesn’t help that I have so much self doubt (mostly because I don’t know many people offline that parent the way we do).

Ambienine
posted on July 8th 2010 at 9:56AM CST

Sari…. I remember all you used to go through, driving the mile down the road to come get you after some of her more manic moments…. I’m glad you’ve made peace with things. I wish it could be different for you but you always have an honorary mommy in mine:). Now…. If there were only some way for us to get up there or get you and the fams down here…:)

posted on July 8th 2010 at 9:47PM CST

{{hugs}} You know from first hand experience what I was going through!

Oh seriously, one of these days when we become rich lol, we are SO visiting, I really want the boys, especially Daniel, to see where I come from!

Lynda
posted on July 8th 2010 at 10:08AM CST

I think no matter what our age, we have certain expectations of our parents. Unconditional love. Understanding. Support. Wisdom.

Your mom doesn’t fit any of those categories and to be honest? I hope she comes here and reads this and all the responses to your entry. I know you’re a reasonable person and have tried to work things out with her, but it’s obvious she won’t change. Her abusive behavior is likely the cause you stayed with bio-dad #1 for so damn long – it was a model of behavior from someone you thought loved you.

She doesn’t love you. She thinks she does, but she’s too selfish to love anyone but herself. She lives in her own deluded little world where she can do no wrong and is constantly the victim. Maybe she’s had a rough life, but Jesus so have you and look what a wonderful and caring person you’ve turned out to be.

I have a good relationship with my mom and in-laws. We’re living with my mom right now and she watches the boys while I work. Our parenting strategies don’t 100% agree and she can get a really mean tone in her voice when Elias is just acting NORMALLY. We had a HUGE blow-up about it yesterday where she was playing the victim and pretending that she had NO idea what I was talking about in reference to tone. I can’t stand that she’s that out of touch with how her behavior effects the boys. Still, that’s a minor struggle compared to what you’re going through.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 9:55PM CST

I’m sure she will stop by and read this, she has made it a point to create many facebook accounts, email accounts, and twitter accounts in attempts to “follow” me.

I can remember so many incidents where she created situations, AWFUL situations, that were false to garner sympathy (of which I’m not comfortable mentioning in the comments but you can always email for more info).

It made me wonder what was reality and what was a “story”.

Oh I am so over protective of my kids it’s ridiculous when it comes to my family. They’ve all shown they can’t respect how we parent and that creates a barrier of trust.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 10:11AM CST

your post is heartbreaking.

My relationship with my mom is OK. It was a difficult childhood for reasons I won’t go into here, but as of today, we get along well. As long as we don’t spent too much time together.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 10:54PM CST

Thank you for commenting! Oh yes, I can have an ok relationship with my father as long as I don’t spend a lot of time with him.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 11:28AM CST

Just lost a lengthy comment due to an internal error 505 or something.

I don’t have time to retype it but know what a heavy post this seems to be and that I could feel your pain in what you wrote.

I feel blessed to have the parents, grandparents and inlaws that I do. Not that everything is picture perfect, nothing ever is, but each one holds a special place in my heart.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 10:59PM CST

Thank you for commenting! At the end of the day, I just wish that my boys had grandparents they could look up to, get wisdom and stories from, instead of being ignored.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 2:43PM CST

Oh Sarah, I am so sorry you had to go through that growing up and that she still brings hate and negativity to your life. I think in situations like this cutting off contact is truly the best option, although I would agree allowing the boys some access might be ok.

Growing up, I had two sets of grandparents, but neither of them had our last name. I found out when I was 9 or 10 my dad’s bio dad was a not nice guy and an alcoholic and had been cut out of the family by my (incredible) grandmother. Once my dad had kids of his own, his father (who had started family #2 and already walked out on them as well) wanted to reopen the lines of communication and sent us money, gifts, and cards for every birthday/holiday. I’ve only met him twice in my entire life but I do talk to his daughter (my dad’s half sister, who is in her 30’s) online. It’s a tense subject in our family but a situation I’m a generation removed from so it didn’t really hurt me growing up. As an adult, I can see how much it did hurt my father though.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 4:07PM CST

Wow. I simply must learn to stop complaining about the parental units in my life. Family annoyances are nothing compared to this. So difficult. Hugs and prayers.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 11:11PM CST

Oh I’ve tried getting her to be a grandmother but she doesn’t make an effort to talk on the phone with my oldest (when I still had her in our lives), she would promise toys and gifts and never send them, and never made an effort to MEET my children (when DS1 was 18 months old, we drove up to HER, she saw him again when he was 6 yrs old when she drove here to meet my infant niece at the time, never made an effort to meet DS2).

I think it really sucks overall for the kids. I’m old enough now that I can see what happened, that I wasn’t at fault for what she’s done, and try to move on. Hard to explain to an 8yr old why his grandmothers have chosen to ignore him.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 5:01PM CST

I feel for you, Sarah. I always say that everyone has had something bad in their past, but I think you were given way more than your share of hardship. I have a lot of respect for you, both for moving on and making a solid life for yourself, and for being willing to talk about your past. I’m sure someone, somewhere will find courage and strength from reading your story.

I totally agree with your decision to distance yourself from your mother. No one needs guilt and worry and ultimatums heaped on them over and over again. And you’re so right to shelter your children. Children can be so easily hurt by careless words.

Hang in there and keep being strong. You’re amazing.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 11:13PM CST

I didn’t really even mention the worst of it heh. I do think that the way she treated me growing up, influenced me to get involved in an abusive relationship with DS1’s bio-dad though because I sought out similar relationships.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 8:54PM CST

I’m sorry you grew up with that. That kind of manipulation, projecting, guilt-tripping, blaming, sounds very very familiar. I stopped contact with my emotionally abusive father when I was 14, and his parents about 8-10 years after that. My mother and I are currently not speaking either, following a massive email fight where she basically said I had to be a different person for her to communicate with me, and the revelation that I too am not the favorite. We usually usually have a good relationship. It’s been very difficult.

Unconditional love is the greatest gift a parent can give to their children and the world, and it seems so rare.

You’re not alone in this, and you’re not wrong or bad.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 11:17PM CST

Thank you SO much for your comment! My oldest son, his bio-father last summer had texted me out of no where, after ignoring that he HAD a son, saying it was a 7 yr old’s (at the time) RESPONSIBILITY to create and SUSTAIN a relationship with his 31 yr old father. Crazy isn’t it!

I have so many handwritten letters from my mother blaming me for her choices in life. I’ve only seen her maybe… 2-3 times in the last 12 years and yet I am somehow responsible for SO MUCH. I didn’t realize that as a child, I was able to manipulate her adult decisions apparently.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 10:33PM CST

I’m so sorry that you had the childhood you did, and I think you are amazingly strong and very much in the right for giving up on a relationship with her. I can’t relate at all to what you are going through – I have an amazing relationship with my parents…but I’m sending hugs to you for your strength, honesty, and your ability to write your feelings so clearly :)

posted on July 8th 2010 at 11:20PM CST

Thank you for commenting!!! I admit, I had some reservations posting because it’s exposing a part of who I am that isn’t pleasant or full of goodness. A lot of times people don’t want to be faced with the thought that a mother could do bad things to her child, I kept a lot out because I’m just not ready to share yet, but it’s hard.

posted on July 8th 2010 at 11:04PM CST

That was a seriously DEEP post. I’m happy and sad for you in the realization you have come to. Sad the situation had to be like that and happy will no longer cause yourself to be emotionally tied. Your boys may not have the relationship you had w/ your grandmother but they will have a good relationship with you, their mom, which you always wished for.

posted on July 10th 2010 at 3:04AM CST

Thank you, that’s very true! I work hard to make sure that I’m available when they need me, granted my 8yr old would rather play with Dad than me lately LOL but still!

posted on July 8th 2010 at 11:34PM CST

I kept expecting to read, “NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!” through that, and I’m honestly a little surprised it wasn’t there.

How horrifying. I’m so sorry. I know just what you mean about being close to your grandparents and wishing that your parents could provide the same type of relationship for your kids. My Gramma and I are very close, and I am lucky that my mother is here for me and my girls, but my dad? Whoa… Better back off.

Growing up, my dad was my hero, and I would love for my girls to be able to have that same type of relationship with him. He can be such a great guy. He CAN be. But he doesn’t play that part anymore. Not for me or my kids, anyway. My brother and nephew, he’s there in a flash though.

I think I posted about this once before here. Didn’t you write a post about fathers at one point?

Anyway – I’m sorry you had to grow up like that and continue to deal with it. It’s heartbreaking knowing that someone who SHOULD be bursting at the seams with love for your children couldn’t care less.

posted on July 10th 2010 at 3:07AM CST

LOL!! Classic quote!

Oh yes, the bruises would fade and the blood would dry up but the mental and emotional crap? Here I am decades later, it’s STILL an open wound especially when it came to the favoritism.

Yes! You had mentioned your father in MY post about fathers (when I was comparing DS1’s bio-dad to “real daddy” now).

pam
posted on July 9th 2010 at 12:03AM CST

It breaks my heart when I hear of people not having good relationships with their mother (or father). But it is best to just cut the relationship completely, I’ve actually had to cut a family member out of my life & I know how it feels.

I’m very blessed to have a great relationship with both my mother & mother in law (along with father & father in law). I can always count on them and they can count on me. I wish that’s how it was with everyone.

posted on July 10th 2010 at 3:09AM CST

I am so glad that you have a good relationship with your family!! I can only hope someday that’s how my kids will feel about me and their dad!

posted on July 9th 2010 at 1:01AM CST

I am so sorry to hear this. My heart breaks for you.

My biological mother abandoned me when I was 18 months old and never looked back. She could have easily reached out to me if she wanted to. My paternal grandparents who raised me still live in the same house (my grandfather does anyway).

My “mom” (paternal grandmother) who raised me for some odd reason never got attached to my son. She was OK with our daughter who is older but the day she found out I was pregnant again she was never happy. When he was born and up until he was a toddler she referred to him as “the little boy” and never by name. She NEVER had a relationship with him and we’ll never know why. Mean while the sun rised and set on my sister’s two children. I broke my heart and I stopped talking to my mom for well over a year because of it.

My mom (paternal grandmother) passed away nearly 7 years ago and I miss her. I wish we could have left things different and said the words left unspoken.

posted on July 10th 2010 at 3:11AM CST

Did you ever get a reason on why your bio-mother left?

I really REALLY get upset that because my children are boys, they are ignored. My mother was so upset/angry that I wasn’t having a girl like my twin sister. I mean upset to the point of sobbing.

Yep. Lovely.

Maureen
posted on July 9th 2010 at 5:16AM CST

Sarah, my heart break for you as this must be so difficult to write because you had to remember about the past again. So sorry to read you had to go through this but I really believe someway somehow you had turned into a much more stronger woman and a great mother because of her. Thank you for sharing this and share how abandonment and abuse can severe the ties with the next generations too.
Sending you a hug from Jakarta.

posted on July 10th 2010 at 3:12AM CST

It was VERY hard to write. I had to have Keith look it over because I was so freaked out heh.

Thank you for commenting!

posted on July 9th 2010 at 10:38AM CST

It truly breaks my heart to hear your mother has treated you this way. I’ll just never understand that kind of person and you deserved so much better.

I don’t think any parent can be perfect, but I was very fortunate to having two loving parents despite their own rocky relationship. I have a very close relationship with them, always have. My dad is the kind of guy that I can get on the phone with and talk for 2 hours when it feels like 5 minutes.

posted on July 10th 2010 at 3:13AM CST

That is awesome that you have such a close relationship with your parents!

I also don’t think a parent is perfect by ANY means, I know I’m not! I just wish it was a matter of imperfection rather than all the stuff I had to grow up with. How I managed to come out of it all semi-sane is beyond me heh.

Penny
posted on July 9th 2010 at 1:17PM CST

Found you thru theblogfrog.

This is such a sad thing that you had to go thru that as a child. I think it is amazing that you have given her as many chances as you have. I don’t think I would be that strong.

It is very refreshing to see such an open and honest post. I’m so glad that I’ve found your blog!

posted on July 10th 2010 at 3:16AM CST

Thank you for commenting!

LOL I’m not sure if I agree with you that it’s amazing, I think of it as hopeful stupidity. I tend to let myself get walked over in the HOPES of developing a relationship with people. Not good!

Danielle
posted on July 9th 2010 at 1:19PM CST

First, I want to say I am giving you a giant internet hug right now. It sounds like you are way better off without her. She is a nasty bitch who has issues, and seriously, you are NOT at fault for her, her actions, and you owe her nothing. Let her leave everything to your sister.. if that saves the emotional abuse, it is so worth it!

I am so grateful that I have a good relationship with my parents. They are awesome, but my DH is not as lucky. Your mother sounds like she could be related to DH’s mom. The email threats, phone calls, nasty messages when her call isn’t immediately returned.. She lives in a fantasy land…

I can totally share my mom.. LOL

posted on July 10th 2010 at 3:18AM CST

YAY for sharing LOL!

Oh yes, it’s all threats, playing emotional games, trying to turn us siblings against each other, playing favorites… it’s a soap opera!

Brandy
posted on July 9th 2010 at 4:24PM CST

First I have to say that I LOVE the layout of your blog, it’s so pretty. Second ((hugs)) I’m so sorry. My mother hasn’t been that rotten but like you I barely remember my childhood and what I do involving her isn’t pretty. She’s had her way covered by my grandma for as long as I can remember and now that my grandma passed away 2 years ago, it’s coming out for everyone to see. Growing up she spent a lot of time favoring my sister and brother (half siblings) over me. In fact she use to pit my sister and I against each other only to yell that we argued all the time. Now that we’re away from her and neither of us talking to her, we’re best friends. My time of realizing I needed to break free of her was when she started pitting my 3 year old niece over my 5 year old son. I wasn’t going to let the same stuff that I went through happen to him. He was so excited to tell her about his pre-k teacher coming to the house and she ignored him and just complained about the crowed at Walmart … I was floored and could tell he was soo hurt but didn’t want to tell her that.

I’ve learned that just because they are family, doesn’t mean we need them in our lives. Sometimes we’re “blessed” with these type of family members to know what NOT to be, and to help us have a ‘role model’ to be BETTER than that. ((hugs))

posted on July 10th 2010 at 3:20AM CST

Yay thank you so very much! I really need to figure out how to incorporate some WPv3 features but haven’t had the time yet.

I am SO SO sorry that she did that to your son. It would drive me INSANE when my oldest was younger, when adults (especially the stuff he went through with his bio-dad) would ignore him, be rude, etc. It’s made such an impact on him that has taken YEARS to work through, even today still.

I’m starting to realize that “family” has NOTHING to do with blood but everything to do with bonds.

posted on July 9th 2010 at 4:58PM CST

Wow. I am SO sorry you went through all that. That being said, I’m not here to say what an awesome childhood I DID have (I’m an only child) my mother and father have subsequently cut me out of their lives because I grew up and married someone I loved. Who is the father to my 2 beautiful girls. I had a “great” childhood, and now “losing” my parents is such a huge shock. Of course my mother and I disagreed a lot when I was growing up, but we became closer when I went to university. How dare I decide to actually grow up. They have called my husband an “axe murderer” because he’s so quiet. I haven’t spoken to my mother in over 5 years. Do I want them back? No. I don’t think so. It’s a lot of hurt to try to repair. Will I let my girls have a relationship with them? I’d like to think yes, that I will let them (since she never allowed me that privilege with her own father) but, I’m not even sure my mother knows about my second daughter. I’ll be here for my girls if I need to pick up the pieces, since she lied to me over and over again. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

posted on July 10th 2010 at 3:23AM CST

Oh wow, did they ever explain to you WHY they are so against your husband??

posted on July 10th 2010 at 1:12AM CST

Hugs to you Sometimes even if it’s your mother you have to let go of all of the hurtful things and just walk away. Your soul will feel better for it. It’s never easy but in life sometimes we make decisions that are tough.

She seems very flighty like she can’t make up her mind and throws daggers with her words. Your children don’t need to see you upset of feel your pain when it comes to her. HUGS

posted on July 10th 2010 at 3:25AM CST

Thank you so much for your comment! It’s amazing how much power are in WORDS. That’s what I remember more than the physical aspect of everything, just how I FELT really.

Holly of SoChicDecor
posted on July 10th 2010 at 3:27AM CST

I am so glad I read this post. It reminds me so much of the relationship I have with my mother, who is bipolar. I often remember having things thrown at me, being pushed down the stairs, being yelled at, and being blamed for everything that went wrong. Of course, her side of the story is different. According to her, those things never happened. To this day, even though I live in the same town, I dread answering the phone. If I don’t drop what I’m doing to assist her, I’m a terrible daughter. If I don’t call back within a few hours, I’m ignoring her. Her needs are more important than what I have going on in my life. No one is more tired or busy than my mother and each of us “kids,” still has to answer to her and is expected to help her out. If she does things for me or buys my son clothes, she will throw it back in my face later. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one wishing for a normal mom and a normal relationship. I keep saying I’m done, but yet I keep allowing things like this to happen.

posted on July 10th 2010 at 3:40AM CST

Yep! My mother is bipolar. You know EXACTLY what I’m talking about!

You “allow” it to happen because at the end of the day we are still their daughter and we still seek their approval… they conditioned us for it!

nicóle
posted on July 10th 2010 at 12:07PM CST

I’m so sorry you’ve been mistreated by your parents. It is heartbreaking. If something good can come out of this is that you will be a far better mother to your children and that is a gift, to you as their mother and them.

posted on July 11th 2010 at 3:19AM CST

Thank you so very much for your comment! I try to do everything possible to make sure that I will NEVER hurt my children.

Jenny
posted on July 11th 2010 at 11:33AM CST

My relationship with my mom is good. Although she tells me I’m not doing a wonderful job in raising my son ’cause he has issues with his intestines. And she says I don’t call her enough (but then again when do I call ANYONE?!) Other then that, it’s good.

mari
posted on July 11th 2010 at 12:38PM CST

yeah people have tried to tell me for ten years now that my son’s chronic kidney failure and mild mental retardation came about because i didn’t raise him.

posted on July 12th 2010 at 2:30AM CST

Oh geez, how are YOU to blame for your son’s INTESTINES?

Kristie
posted on July 13th 2010 at 11:35AM CST

This post hurts ME just reading it, so I can’t imagine how it makes you feel. :( I’m sorry things could not have been better for you.

My relationships with both my parents are really good. They’re still married and have always been there for me and my brother. They have 3 grandchildren (1 from me, 2 from my brother) that they love I think even more than they love us sometimes. In a good way. They’ve always been the 2 people that I could always count on in my life and I’m grateful for that.

My husband, on the other hand, has had nothing but a rocky relationship with his mother. She’s in our lives now, and is very involved with our son, but my husband has told me stories of his childhood that make me question whether or not that’s a good idea. He’s told me how she was manipulative and out right mean during his whole childhood. For example, once he became a teenager, she would throw manic fits over the littlest things (like not loading the dishwasher or cleaning his room), then when he’d finally stand up to her and tell her off, she would call his dad at work in tears and tell him all about how awful he was being and how he threatened to hurt her for no reason. All kinds of crap like that.

He often feels resentment toward her for suddenly becoming super mom when she discovered I was pregnant 6 years ago. He tries, now, to just forget about the past and let her have a relationship with her only grandson. But yet, he’s afraid of how she might become once HE becomes a teenager. Like the possibility of her stepping out of his life once he’s no longer a ‘cute little baby boy’ anymore. We’ve had many late-night discussions about it and it doesn’t get any easier for him.

ANNNNDD I’m sorry that this comment has stretched on as long as it has, lol.

posted on July 14th 2010 at 2:29PM CST

I am so happy to hear that you have awesome parents!

Yeah, I am not willing to risk it with my kids. My oldest is 8 1/2 years old, it’s just too late in my eyes. They can decide when they are 18 if they want a relationship or not. Not like it matters because all of the grandmothers have not made ANY effort to get involved.

posted on July 14th 2010 at 2:34AM CST

First of all *hugs* I was raised in a very abusive home and I know how hard it can be just to justify in your mind what has happened.

I also blocked a lot of my childhood out, I am not sure if that is good or not. As much as I would like to know why some of the impressions I get of said memories FEEL so awful, I also think maybe my mind did the right thing by hiding them from my conscious.

You post makes me feel really lucky that I have a mother that is not so bad. She is not perfect but she tries and she is not horrid either, like yours sounds. I am so sorry that you do not have a decent mother to treat you like you matter, I can only imagine how deeply that cuts you :(.

All of the abuse I (and many others) went through came from my sociopathic, alcoholic father and to answer your question at the bottom I have had no contact with him for nearly a decade! I still have nightmares about him weekly though, it is just something that will always haunt me.

I think you are an incredibly strong, obviously talented woman and despite your past your are proof that even the ‘damaged’ of us can go on to live great and fulfilling lives!

posted on July 14th 2010 at 2:32PM CST

You understand completely. I literally will force myself to shove down any resurfacing memories. I just can’t handle it really.

posted on July 15th 2010 at 7:24AM CST

Sometimes I wonder why people even have children. My daughter (who is 20 now) suffered emotional abuse from her dad starting about age 4 or 5. He would call her stupid, ignorant, fat, when she was 7 & he called her a “stupid bitch”, I knew I had to find a way out of there. Luckily, he finally did apologize to her for the way he treated her when she was 17, so they do have a better relationship, but she has had so many problems growing up.

posted on July 19th 2010 at 5:17PM CST

I think to some degree the apology is more for the abuser than for the victim. There’s just no way to repair the trust.

I am SO sorry your daughter had to go through that.

posted on July 19th 2010 at 9:53AM CST

Sarah – You are an AMAZING Mom and a BEAUTIFUL person (both inside and out) IN SPITE OF the way your “mom” treated you. Good for you for taking a stand and cutting her out of your (and the boys’) life. You (and they) deserve better, and are better off without her vitriol.

xo,
Danielle

posted on July 29th 2010 at 1:17PM CST

Hello! THis is my comment, you paid nothing for it, so take it for what it’s worth! :)

Everyone needs a mother, I mean besides a bio-mother. The “mother” you give yourself and the grandmother you give your children, does not have to be your bio-mother. For whatever reason, and it doesn’t have to be your fault, your bio mother doesn’t seem capable of being yur mother. My first piece of advice is for you to change your e-mail, or block her e-mail from your account. There is NO reason for you to be tortured by her e-mails. For physical mail, I would ask your husband to check all mail that comes into the house, and let him censor out any mail that comes from her. If it is anice birhtday card for any member of your family, then he should let it through, but I mean only after he reads it and is sure there isn’t any mean message on the inside. Otherwise, any mean letters from your mom, should be filed in the garbage and you should never even know that they came. Any important news about your mother should be related by your sister, and she shouldn’t tell you ANY of the mean things that your mom says about you, or blames you for.

Now for the needing a mother, is Keith’s mother nice to you? She could be a substitute mom for you. So could an older friend that yu meet in real life, or over the net. What do we need mothers for? As a sounding board, for advice, for comfort. Is there an older woman that does this for you already? She could be your substitute mom.

YOu don’t deserve to be abused by anyone, family or “friend or lover.”

Stay strong, you are worth it!

posted on July 29th 2010 at 3:16PM CST

Keith’s mother basically abandoned him after his father died. She moved hmm 8-9 years ago to another state and hasn’t seen him since, really makes no effort, etc.

I set my mother’s emails to my spam folder lol.

Thank you for your comment!!!

Claudia
posted on March 23rd 2011 at 6:00PM CST

OMG! I totally feel for you! I only see my mother to take her to the doctor and pharmacy. I don’t call her, she calls me when she needs something.
Since my father &. Brother died, it’s been hell! I won’t take my kids to see her or stay any length of time because she has a “friend” who is a drug dealer, user, alcoholic and spousal abuser.
I also suspect my mother is covering for him on being responsible for my brothers death. I mean this guy actually hit another of my mother’s friends on the head with a heavy cast iron frying pan.
And she wonders why we don’t go there or why we don’t want him around and included in family functions. He has threatened to hurt or kill my aunt, as well.
I have great memories with my grandparents. My kids will remember how good it was until grandpa died. Those will get them through, happily.
Try not to feel bad. We have to keep our families safe and love them the best we can. Hugs to you for realizing you needed to stay away!

posted on October 19th 2011 at 9:31AM CST

It’s sad to read about your relationship with your mother.

But rarely sometimes it is a write-up what makes us more sad. Reading through the sad lines you have endured, those things you wish to forget, those you wish never to cross your mind, is explained, quoted and narrated and punctuated in sadness. But I do not know your state of mind when you wrote this post. It might be different from what I thought.

However I think that chapter is over in time, and you got busy with your own life and family–which I read with great interest. I admire your power at those difficult times. You have a strong mind. I also believe you do make a great mom! Your kids are lucky to get such a lovely mom! And I’m sure that you make them feel like no one could have ever loved them like the way you do. Because you know how difficult and sad it is, when unloved.

Cheers :)

Amanda Jillian
posted on April 18th 2012 at 8:48AM CST

Again, I am so sorry for you. I know how family can hurt but thankfully I’ve never had anything like that to me personally. However my cousin, who was actually my best friend in junior high, did. Her mom would kick her out and we would take her in every time. Then she would call the cops saying she had run away! When she turned 16 my family said screw it and went and got her from her house, packed up her measly amount of stuff (most of which we had given her) and gave her a great birthday which is Christmas. She said the emancipation process. Now they try to call or write her for money. They have no clue that she is in graduate school and in the city. But she has a family that loves her now.

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