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Losing My Way

Vibrant has gotten off to a good start, check it out.

I think my ex missed the memo that he shouldn’t be contacting me unless it’s telling me a child support check is in the mail (considering he says that he doesn’t “want” kids and refuses to contact his son unless I “make” him… real stellar).

I even pity myself with the amount of migraines I’ve had this week. I work tomorrow but I am all cracked out on the ‘ced.

I have three loads of laundry to do, three libraries to return books to, a whole bunch of grocery shopping, and a sick child on my hands. Super mama.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by everything. Even random stuff as the sheer number of people that surround you on the tollway. I am overly sensitive to my surroundings apparently. I didn’t use to be. I was strong. I was independant.

“I gave myself, my control, over to a person that abused it.”

I couldn’t find my strength within, I thought I had to find myself a savior. I gave myself, my control, over to a person that abused it. I lost my family, my friends, my independence, my strength, myself. I am only now realising how damaging that is. I have to find myself. Who was I? Who did I used to be? What did I used to do? I wasn’t always this sad. This stressed. I would deal and cast aside. Now I internalize. This isn’t me. This is who I was created to be. I’m trying though. Really trying to change. To let go of the weight, emotional and physical. I punished myself for other’s failures. I abused myself to relieve other’s of their misdeeds. I tried to be a martyr. I have a fabulous network of strong, unbelievably strong woman around me now. No longer will I allow myself to be disrespected to make peace, I won’t sacrifice myself to help others find balance. A year from now I will look back at this entry and want to tell myself that this pain, this path, all leads to something amazing. The struggle is worth it.

That I’m worth it.

This post is over a year old which means the content may be outdated or no longer accurate.

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posted on August 26th 2006 at 8:59AM CDT

I hope you feel better soon hon. That’s how it is here. I’ve been down with a bad migraine the last 2 days. I finally feel good this morning, but guess what? My daughter is sick, too…UGH! As is Jake’s daughter, who spends a lot time at my house.

I’m bulking up on the echinacea 7 vitamin C, for sure….

((((Love & hugs))))

posted on August 27th 2006 at 3:11PM CDT

Your a wonderfull person, I hope you and your son feel better soon *hugs*

posted on August 28th 2006 at 1:02PM CDT

Hey. Not been to your site before, just came across it on my adventures around the world wide web. I must say I really like your design here. Your site is really organised & structured … really inspiring =).

I cant really comment on what you’ve said in your blog because I havent really read any of your previous ones so I dont know what has happened in your life. However, I think its wonderful that you feel you can overcome whatever it was that got you so low =) Be strong. You have all of us, you have whoever is around you who allows you to talk to them about your problems no matter what … & you have your talent which can be used as an expression to get whatevers inside you out. I think you’re fantastic.

Take care.
Helen xxx

posted on August 28th 2006 at 4:46PM CDT

I find it’s very helpful to give myself credit and cheers for very small victories. When I get the dishes done, I do a little dance in the kitchen to celebrate! I think, just from reading your blog, that you have much more strength than you realize, and if you would start maybe giving yourself cheers for little things, you’ll notice big accomplishments you’ve made all by yourself.

posted on August 28th 2006 at 9:17PM CDT

wow – that’s so lame – men truely can’t live up to any resposibilty, and what the hell is “This is a Skootch Free Zone
ps I hate laundry

posted on August 29th 2006 at 7:52AM CDT

Wow… that was powerful.  I’m sorry that things aren’t going well at the moment.  Just keep thinking about the last part of the post though – a year from now you’ll look back and see amazing things and strength coming out of this hard time!

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