Losing My Way

Vibrant has gotten off to a good start, check it out.

I think my ex missed the memo that he shouldn’t be contacting me unless it’s telling me a child support check is in the mail (considering he says that he doesn’t “want” kids and refuses to contact his son unless I “make” him… real stellar).

I even pity myself with the amount of migraines I’ve had this week. I work tomorrow but I am all cracked out on the ‘ced.

I have three loads of laundry to do, three libraries to return books to, a whole bunch of grocery shopping, and a sick child on my hands. Super mama.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by everything. Even random stuff as the sheer number of people that surround you on the tollway. I am overly sensitive to my surroundings apparently. I didn’t use to be. I was strong. I was independant.

“I gave myself, my control, over to a person that abused it.”

I couldn’t find my strength within, I thought I had to find myself a savior. I gave myself, my control, over to a person that abused it. I lost my family, my friends, my independence, my strength, myself. I am only now realising how damaging that is. I have to find myself. Who was I? Who did I used to be? What did I used to do? I wasn’t always this sad. This stressed. I would deal and cast aside. Now I internalize. This isn’t me. This is who I was created to be. I’m trying though. Really trying to change. To let go of the weight, emotional and physical. I punished myself for other’s failures. I abused myself to relieve other’s of their misdeeds. I tried to be a martyr. I have a fabulous network of strong, unbelievably strong woman around me now. No longer will I allow myself to be disrespected to make peace, I won’t sacrifice myself to help others find balance. A year from now I will look back at this entry and want to tell myself that this pain, this path, all leads to something amazing. The struggle is worth it.

That I’m worth it.