Why is it when you hear a certian song it can make you cry? or maybe feel super powerful? like EVERYTHING will be okay and you CAN handle it no matter whats thrown at you? ohhhh spriteys getting deeeeppppp…….the past few days ive been daydreamin about what it would be like back in tucson. i know i am not the same so could i re-adjust myself? i feel like i could handle anyones shit with me. and i also feel like i would be very lonely. how do you go from being with someone 24/7/365 for 3 years to just being……alone. i am not one to be scared of being alone. i prefer to dwell upon my thoughts…but to have someone…even though you fight….you just KNOW love you. i can honestly say i don’t think much of my family, besides my twin, cares much for me. my father only cares about his fucked up whore, my brother is high just about all the time, my mom cares about “denny”, wheres my place? my sister is the “good” twin, always has been. ive been the druggie, the drop out, the failure. shes been good grades, good jobs, and here i am no goals no nothing. when i first came here i was optimistic or possimistic *positive + optimistic* but naturally i was wrong. i seem to gravitate towards hellish situations. matt said he isn’t going to think of me leaving because he simply doesn’t think it will happen and that “i don’t want your heart to be broken” oh NOW is the time to be concerned of matters of my heart? i leave, i don’t leave, ethier situation will be extremely hard on me. i mostly worry about my emotional and mental condition. i used to be pretty much perky but now i can be the hardest bitch. i have moments of extreme anger because i feel cheated. i always felt i had to be the “ideal” friend to everyone. and it had to be THEIR ideal of the perfect friend. it was alright to call me 3am to bitch about your love life but when it came to me about REAL problems, shelters, no food, etc….it was gee im sorry i don’t have time to talk. i fear i will end up like i was, feeling used all the time, feeling competive towards people i frankly don’t care about anymore. not even 2 weeks after i moved here did all contact stop. i didn’t hear a damn thing from ANYONE, except for maybe nice chain letter emails…..i feel like whenever i put even an ounce of effort into anything its disreguarded. imagine started out with me optimistic then i closed it because gee no one cared! i was lucky to get a comment and then have it turn into “well i said u have a nice palace so hire me for a wiz job” even with sscom, i feel fustrated because i SEE that people visit but no one can drop a line in the guestbook, or join the forums, or even just EMAIL “hey i like your site i hope its up a long time” i mean people WONDER why their fav sites stop updating or close down, its because we NEED good feedback we NEED to know people come and enjoy what they see. we lack updates because WHAT do people want? when i first was online, i threw myself into talking to the masses. and now i can hardly keep a conversasion longer than 15 minutes because i think its pointless. i tend to babble on and on and on…..i feel proud of myself when i see people bitching about me because at least that means in some worlds im this all knowing all powerful all goddess like figure to them. if they DIDN’T give a damn then they wouldn’t focus on me. and of course ANY publicity is GOOD publicity!

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