It’s amazing how much can happen in a single year.

I am having one heck of a time of it lately, emotionally anyway. I am really unsure of why. I know part of this feeling, this “what’s the point” or “I am never productive”, isn’t based in reality, and yet that doesn’t stop my brain from THINKING that way. This feeling only cropped up about 2-3 weeks ago or so.

Logically I know being stuck in the house, lack of outside time, limited adult contact (aside from the boyfriend), all contribute to this feeling. I’ve also been having a lot more PTSD issues when it comes to trying to deal with my failed VBAC (placenta abruption), sadly that is just going to take a lot of time to accept.

I’m sure getting my fertility back isn’t helping matters either.

It’s frustrating though, I am a lot more weepy, bitchy, and tired lately because of the emotional overload and I am just not sure how to rectify the situation.

The boys however are doing awesome. Daniel currently has a paper mache volcano drying and some rock crystals growing. Tristan is such a little chatterbox, it’s so adorable to have a “conversation” with him. I still have moments every day where I can’t believe I have TWO children. It’s so amazing to me. Daniel is always playing with his baby brother or carrying him. I can’t wait until the baby is able to chase his big brother around!

Keith pretty much forced me to go outside this morning and shoot some photos while Tristan is asleep.

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I am really enjoying the D90 although I haven’t spent much time with it or played with any of the different features (compared to the D50). I do like the more intuitive controls, much better in low light situations, very low noise at high ISO’s… I am really happy with that purchase.

Lastly, when Keith ran to the store late last night, he bought me a small miniature rose plant! I can’t wait until it blooms further and grows so we can plant it outside!

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becky dodson
posted on March 3rd 2010 at 12:01PM CST

i bet it has a lot to do w/ your fertility returning…i know i have been having a really difficult time, emotionally since my first cycle returned at the end of january…that combined with this insatiable desire to get pregnant again (against all inklings of sanity) and with the fact that im already nearly laid flat w/ all the tasks i have presently, and well, i feel pretty nutty.

also, that birth trauma and those high expectations we have for ourselves are a huge adversary…since you had a PA is there a chance in further pregnancies? will you try for another vbac if you find yourself pregnant again?

posted on March 3rd 2010 at 12:08PM CST

You have a good point. I never thought about it being hormonal! As for pregnancy the PA was probably stemming from a subchronic bleed/clot under the placenta that I had at 12wks and came loose from all the contractions. If I ever got pregnant again I would try as hard as possible for a VBA2C.

Keeshia
posted on March 3rd 2010 at 1:11PM CST

Lack of going out and having friends is definitely part of my own problem with depression. That in combo with not having work for over a year now, well it’s been a really big struggle. I just try to get out when I can (with the weather warming this will be easier to do for me) and definitely try to keep myself busy with things I love to do.

Hormones are quite likely a big factor as well.

posted on March 4th 2010 at 6:06AM CST

I think for me as well, lack of contact with other women doesn’t help. When I became pregnant with Tristan EVERY SINGLE friend of mine, dropped me. I am still torn up over it.

posted on March 3rd 2010 at 1:13PM CST

First of all, the photos are awesome. Second…I’m sorry you’re having a rough time lately. I’ve dealt with depression for a couple of years now – before, during and post pregnancy. I still have bad days and weeks. I definitely find myself closing my little world in around me, not really going out. Those are the times that my husband steps in and drags me out of the house. Keith sounds like a wonderful guy. He seems to know how to help. I’m sure having Aunt Flo’s visit recently doesn’t help the situation. I’m not ready for that at all. Anyhow, I really hope you’ll begin to pull out of it soon. I miss the regular blog posts. :) Take care Sarah. I’ll be thinking about you.

posted on March 4th 2010 at 6:33AM CST

Thank you so much! I never had any issues until recently, being stuck in the house, lack of friendships, it being too cold to even go to the park, etc.

Hopefully with the warmer temps my mood will improve! I think it’s going to be close to 50 degrees this weekend!

JoEllen
posted on March 3rd 2010 at 2:15PM CST

((big hugs)) mama. i agree that the return of your ferility can make your mood wonky. i noticed it myself. it also happened when Logan was about 13 months old and suddenly decreased nursing… my hormones were in a tailspin and i was an emotional wreck though thankfully it was temporary.

i hope you feel better soon.

posted on March 4th 2010 at 6:36AM CST

Thank you! I am going to try and DO more photography and such to try and improve my mood. Hormones suck!

posted on March 3rd 2010 at 3:42PM CST

It must be going around the winter blues and stuff… I can’t wait for spring I have been stuck in the house this winter… There is so much snow and ice around I really dont want to fall this pregnancy, I was such a clutz with my other two… I’ve been feeling useless and unmotivated, I have things I want to do just cant find the will to do them… And its driving me batty… Hopefully nice weather will come both our ways and can get outside and start feeling better…

posted on March 4th 2010 at 6:38AM CST

Oh yes, I don’t want to drag the baby out in this weather and Danny has sensitive skin so he turns bright red if he’s in the snow too long (just like his momma!).

I am holding out high hope that warmer weather/getting out of the house more, helps!

Damita
posted on March 4th 2010 at 5:39AM CST

Great photos :) I think everyone gets the winter blues, I’ve been like that for the last month or so, it’s getting better now though.. yay for sunshine!

posted on March 4th 2010 at 6:39AM CST

Thank you! Normally I have NO problems in the winter but after being on bedrest for almost a year, then recovering from the CBAC… just tired of being indoors.

Lisa
posted on March 4th 2010 at 7:03AM CST

Awesome photos! Wish I could take cool pics like that. It gets tricky with a baby to get out and do things as before, its normal to feel a bit down about things. Just remember to take time out to do things for yourself, let your partner look after the boys and take a nice hot bath with essential oils whilst listening to music (so you can’t hear what the boys are up to).

I can’t imagine weather so cold that it’s hard to leave the house, it’s always too hot here. It hasn’t even rained since November which is depressing in a different way. And tonight we drop below 20degrees celcius for the first time in a few months too :) Yay, I might get to use my quilt!

Good luck! Hope the weather brightens up a bit for you so you can go for a good, long walk outside.

posted on March 4th 2010 at 7:21AM CST

All of the photos were shot in the backyard or on my desk lol, thank you!!

The thing is, my boyfriend spends a LOT of time with the boys and if I need “me” time he has no problem taking both of them at the same time (after the baby nurses anyway lol).

I do logically understand being inside for a YEAR now, majority in bed, hasn’t helped. Granted it was for valid reasons but still. I am so tired of bed lol.

Oh yes, I remember when I lived in Arizona how we would think 40 degrees was “cold” lol.

posted on March 4th 2010 at 8:37AM CST

I missed this one somehow. As a heads up, I was reading in one of my gardening mags (yes, I’m a dork) last night that mini-roses do very well inside all year. They have a dormant winter phase but bloom again in Spring. I’m thinking of buying a few for a new inside garden spot. But I have to figure it out first!

And, yes, I was just commenting on BlogHer earlier today that I NEED Spring to come. I don’t want it. I NEED it. I’m not doing well with being stuck inside any longer. :(

posted on March 4th 2010 at 9:43AM CST

OH awesome. I was never “allowed” to have indoor plants before with Daniel’s bio-dad so for Keith to go for an actual PLANT was just so awesome to me!

I want to learn to garden, we have all this yard that needs to be fixed up and made pretty with lots of flowers, herbs, etc lol.

Oh yes. I think it’s partly why I went so nocturnal, it hurt a bit to be up all day but stuck INSIDE.

Danielle
posted on March 4th 2010 at 2:21PM CST

In the months after my failed VBAC (in May) I felt the same way, and some days, I still look at myself and say I am a failure. On the other hand, one thing we do have in common is the fact that both of our VBAC turned CBACs were for real medical reasons. I know it is hard to say, well I know it was necessary, because it doesn’t help the failure aspect of it by any means, but one thing I can do is promise you, as time goes on, slowly, very slowly, you will start to feel better.
The winter, and all those snow does not help by any means though.

You are productive, and you do awesome things, and you have helped me a ton. I cannot show how much I appreciate all you have done in helping with my blog!

posted on March 5th 2010 at 1:42AM CST

It’s hard because on the one hand I feel like I have to “validate” my c-sections by explaining how they actually WERE needed. Yet that doesn’t take away the violated feeling I have or change how I was treated and punished for even attempting a VBAC.

Aww thank you, it helps knowing I can help!

Samantha
posted on March 4th 2010 at 8:06PM CST

Well, I have no idea what it’s like to have the kind of hormonal fluctuations that occur with and post pregnancy, so I can’t do any mommy talk here, however, I’m suffering from a bit of SAD and all I do is work, eat play games on facebook and sleep. I know it’s up to me to get up and get out, and I know it’ll help just to go out with the camera and do something I love. I hope getting out will encourage you to keep it up. It’ll be spring soon :)

posted on March 5th 2010 at 1:52AM CST

It’s odd because normally I don’t have this problem. After discussing it with Keith I think the traumatic pregnancy/birth/bedrest for almost a year/losing all friends/etc really caused a huge imbalance for me emotionally. Hard to crawl out of it heh.

I am having high hopes that with an even cleaner house lol, and warmer weather, my mood picks up.

Caity
posted on March 7th 2010 at 3:56PM CST

Oh those pictures are so sad and then the rosebuds show such hope! There is always hope. *hugs*

You have been through a lot this year and it’s understandable you’d be in the dumps a bit at the moment. I hope you feel better soon. A lot of people have been in a sort of funk lately. I think it’s this dreary and excessively depressing and long winter we’ve had.

Keep these photos coming, though!

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