I am in a crackhead mood right now, beware of sex talk and Matt talk!
Right now… for whatever reason, well I mean besides my constant horny self, I am just thinking of sex.
I am thinking about that hard 10 minutes where its doing it like bunnies haha
I want to be able to say to someone “Make love to me” and actually FEEL like that person loves me
I want a mix cd damnit! I want love letters!! I want to be TOLD specifically what someone feels for me.
I was talking to Jenn earlier and I was saying how she should hook me up with I visit PA later this year. It got me to thinking though… almost to the point of tears really. I have NEVER had sex with anyone other than Matt. I am scared of how being intimate with someone else would effect me emotionally.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs at Matt. How DARE you suddenly tell me you love me. You didn’t love me enough to not fuck around on me. I want to beg him to hold me just so I can finally cry again. I want to bitch smack him for breaking my heart in the worst way, and then ask him to pick up the pieces.
I am so fucking confused.
I am 21, I have a very high sex drive. Matt says he never noticed my sex drive, I told him he would have had to be around me to notice it. I mean of course I can’t just do it every 5 min because hello I have my son to take care of.
Sex got to the point where it was, like, 5 min total, there was no kissing, no foreplay, occasional the netherlands would get some time. Typically though it was strip down, get on the horse, there done. I can’t help it that I like it sorta rough. I can’t force someone to hold out because I am not “done” yet.
I just don’t know. I miss him. I want to do what I want to do for once. I want him to fucking realise I am different now. I am not going to put up with any passive aggressive crap anymore.
Sometimes, all I want is to hear him say, “I love you Sarah” , and then proceed to tell me why. I want him to MEAN it.
Other times, I just want to go out with someone that does not tell me all the time that I hate him just so he can hear that I do not hate him. I want someone to tell me often that I am a nice person, a smart person, a damn sexy person haha.
I want cards, I want flowers, I want romance.
I have no clue what I want.
I want love. I want to be loved. I want to love someone. I want to be in love.
I want a man who looks at me and the first thing he thinks of, is how damn lucky and happy he is to have me in his life. Instead of thinking, when times are hard run away and break my heart.
I really do miss him a lot. I try not to though. No need for my son to have a sobby momma all of the time.
I want to live in a nice place, I want to have friends, I want to be in a healthy relationship.
I am so confused.
I really do miss him.
I want my family back.
But can I risk my heart being broken so painfully again? Can I ever trust again?
Will he actually try to fight to be with me? Like in the movie, What Dreams May Come, I want someone to say to me, “I would go to Hell to find you”
I am so fucked up in the head.