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May 25th 2003 2 minutes to read

What the hell is wrong with me?
Why can’t I just stop thinking about everything that has happened the past few months?
Why can’t I stop thinking about him?
Maybe it is the time of year, this time last year, Daniel was still a wee babe, we moved into a rental house, I was happy. For the first time in a long time, truely happy. Yeah look where that got me huh.
I am so sick of my vivid dreams and vivid imagination. I download a ton of music, anything to stop myself from dwelling, from thinking. Doesn’t help, I somehow end up with perky music yet I take the lyrics differently.

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?! When do my head and my heart fall into the same path?

I just… have zero closure, but plenty of alone time to dwell on anything. I swear, once I have some money, my car fixed and an IL DL, I am taking my son on a nice road trip somewhere. Maybe PA, I always liked it there, or maybe somewhere else. Just… ugh. Totally fucked up I am indeed. Here I am losing a lot of weight, finally, and I actually stopped crying every night, yeah it took over a month to stop the crying but I managed to do it. So why am I still dwelling, daydreaming, actual dreaming heh, and making everything worse on myself? Replaying what happened, playing what should have happened.

I seriously would write a huge letter type entry to him if I ever thought he would read it and respond like well… a real letter heh. Releasing every single thought, feeling, pain, I have felt the past few months.

Just… damn.

This post is over a year old which means the content may be outdated or no longer accurate.



I only got four hours of broken-up sleep last night. I’ve never been good at napping. I’m just left in this exhausted awake state of being.


Happy/Blessed Beltane, everyone!

Playing Catch-Up

I am pretty sure the last two weeks are catching up because I am beyond exhausted today. Trying to get caught up with the online world.

I Redesigned, Again

I redesigned OSN. It looks best at higher screen resolutions. That’s where you get all of the fancy effects. It’s fine on mobile but absolutely shines on a computer. Hopefully, everything works across the board. I tried to make the homepage an actual one, harkening back to the olden days of blogging.


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If you ever do find the secret to moving on, please do share it.  I could use it as well.  At least you face your problem and are honest about it, I run and avoid the issue.  Probably hurting innocent guys in the process.  But that’s enough of that.

Road trips are great.  ;)  I went on one today.  I am stuck living with family at the moment as well.  There is nothing quite like being able to get away, even if it is only for a couple of hours.

Maybe you should write the letter, just to get it all out.  I don’t know.  It’s just a suggestion.

Reply to Rose

Wrong with you?  Hmmmmm, You’re human?

Just like the rest of us… how unfortunate that is at times, eh. Especially these times.

Reply to Barb

That feeling of being so stuck in your own thoughts is absolutely awful, you know where I am if you need to talk sweetie!

*huge hugs*

Reply to Lily

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