What the hell is wrong with me?
Why can’t I just stop thinking about everything that has happened the past few months?
Why can’t I stop thinking about him?
Maybe it is the time of year, this time last year, Daniel was still a wee babe, we moved into a rental house, I was happy. For the first time in a long time, truely happy. Yeah look where that got me huh.
I am so sick of my vivid dreams and vivid imagination. I download a ton of music, anything to stop myself from dwelling, from thinking. Doesn’t help, I somehow end up with perky music yet I take the lyrics differently.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?! When do my head and my heart fall into the same path?
I just… have zero closure, but plenty of alone time to dwell on anything. I swear, once I have some money, my car fixed and an IL DL, I am taking my son on a nice road trip somewhere. Maybe PA, I always liked it there, or maybe somewhere else. Just… ugh. Totally fucked up I am indeed. Here I am losing a lot of weight, finally, and I actually stopped crying every night, yeah it took over a month to stop the crying but I managed to do it. So why am I still dwelling, daydreaming, actual dreaming heh, and making everything worse on myself? Replaying what happened, playing what should have happened.
I seriously would write a huge letter type entry to him if I ever thought he would read it and respond like well… a real letter heh. Releasing every single thought, feeling, pain, I have felt the past few months.