What the hell is wrong with me?
Why can’t I just stop thinking about everything that has happened the past few months?
Why can’t I stop thinking about him?
Maybe it is the time of year, this time last year, Daniel was still a wee babe, we moved into a rental house, I was happy. For the first time in a long time, truely happy. Yeah look where that got me huh.
I am so sick of my vivid dreams and vivid imagination. I download a ton of music, anything to stop myself from dwelling, from thinking. Doesn’t help, I somehow end up with perky music yet I take the lyrics differently.

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?! When do my head and my heart fall into the same path?

I just… have zero closure, but plenty of alone time to dwell on anything. I swear, once I have some money, my car fixed and an IL DL, I am taking my son on a nice road trip somewhere. Maybe PA, I always liked it there, or maybe somewhere else. Just… ugh. Totally fucked up I am indeed. Here I am losing a lot of weight, finally, and I actually stopped crying every night, yeah it took over a month to stop the crying but I managed to do it. So why am I still dwelling, daydreaming, actual dreaming heh, and making everything worse on myself? Replaying what happened, playing what should have happened.

I seriously would write a huge letter type entry to him if I ever thought he would read it and respond like well… a real letter heh. Releasing every single thought, feeling, pain, I have felt the past few months.

Just… damn.

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Rose
posted on May 25th 2003 at 7:15AM CDT

If you ever do find the secret to moving on, please do share it.  I could use it as well.  At least you face your problem and are honest about it, I run and avoid the issue.  Probably hurting innocent guys in the process.  But that’s enough of that.

Road trips are great.  ;)  I went on one today.  I am stuck living with family at the moment as well.  There is nothing quite like being able to get away, even if it is only for a couple of hours.

Maybe you should write the letter, just to get it all out.  I don’t know.  It’s just a suggestion.

Barb
posted on May 25th 2003 at 4:13PM CDT

Wrong with you?  Hmmmmm, You’re human?

Just like the rest of us… how unfortunate that is at times, eh. Especially these times.

Lily
posted on May 25th 2003 at 4:50PM CDT

That feeling of being so stuck in your own thoughts is absolutely awful, you know where I am if you need to talk sweetie!

*huge hugs*

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