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What the hell is wrong with me?
Why can’t I just stop thinking about everything that has happened the past few months?
Why can’t I stop thinking about him?
Maybe it is the time of year, this time last year, Daniel was still a wee babe, we moved into a rental house, I was happy. For the first time in a long time, truely happy. Yeah look where that got me huh.
I am so sick of my vivid dreams and vivid imagination. I download a ton of music, anything to stop myself from dwelling, from thinking. Doesn’t help, I somehow end up with perky music yet I take the lyrics differently.

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?! When do my head and my heart fall into the same path?

I just… have zero closure, but plenty of alone time to dwell on anything. I swear, once I have some money, my car fixed and an IL DL, I am taking my son on a nice road trip somewhere. Maybe PA, I always liked it there, or maybe somewhere else. Just… ugh. Totally fucked up I am indeed. Here I am losing a lot of weight, finally, and I actually stopped crying every night, yeah it took over a month to stop the crying but I managed to do it. So why am I still dwelling, daydreaming, actual dreaming heh, and making everything worse on myself? Replaying what happened, playing what should have happened.

I seriously would write a huge letter type entry to him if I ever thought he would read it and respond like well… a real letter heh. Releasing every single thought, feeling, pain, I have felt the past few months.

Just… damn.

posted on May 25th 2003 at 7:15AM CDT

If you ever do find the secret to moving on, please do share it.  I could use it as well.  At least you face your problem and are honest about it, I run and avoid the issue.  Probably hurting innocent guys in the process.  But that’s enough of that.

Road trips are great.  ;)  I went on one today.  I am stuck living with family at the moment as well.  There is nothing quite like being able to get away, even if it is only for a couple of hours.

Maybe you should write the letter, just to get it all out.  I don’t know.  It’s just a suggestion.

posted on May 25th 2003 at 4:13PM CDT

Wrong with you?  Hmmmmm, You’re human?

Just like the rest of us… how unfortunate that is at times, eh. Especially these times.

posted on May 25th 2003 at 4:50PM CDT

That feeling of being so stuck in your own thoughts is absolutely awful, you know where I am if you need to talk sweetie!

*huge hugs*