Why is it getting worse? Why do I keep dreaming about it? Thinking about it? Why can’t I get a break?

Daniel is okay, a bit more clingy, but overall does not seem to notice much going on. He had his first bath yesterday, with the help of my sister, without… his father. He has never been in the tub without him. He seemed to have liked it, at least considering my sister had to back up about 3ft to avoid drowning from Daniel splashing.

I really would appreciate if someone could create me a bright layout. I can not even view my own site. I can not read my own entries. A design for OSN and one perhaps for a portal page so I do not have to read my site to see updated links and what not.

I am just… I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can not function. I need… something… validation… a male I can trust… something.

I would like to thank everyone for their support. I have a very hard, very painful, very long road ahead of me. I really need everyone to stick by me, even if you get bored of me talking about all of this all of the time.

I would like to thank those who have phone called me, Mary, Jenn, Crystal. Those who helped me stay online, to at the very least, release some of what I feel. Crys and Keli, thank you for helping me pay to keep the phone on.

Speaking of the phone, for the next 3 Thursdays, I need to make a $30 payment, the week after, a $10 payment. I dread the phone bill that will be from this month, with all of the calls I made, long distance and local. I will deal with that when it comes I suppose.

I desperately need new clothes for Daniel, and a couple of new covers/AIO. I hate asking people for things. I would appreciate if anyone could just… get my son something, anything.

You know what gets me in tears in a second? Thinking of the day when my son asks me why his daddy didn’t love him, why his daddy left, when my son takes his first steps, says his first sentence, all of those firsts.

I can’t get my thoughts to work. I can’t pick one constant thought out of the din going through my head. Just when I think, hey, I am not crying. It all comes back to me full force. Like someone punched me in the stomach.

Please, just… someone. Take this away from me. Make this a nightmare and let me wake up.

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Sarah
posted on March 8th 2003 at 1:23PM CDT

I’m not getting bored of what you’re writing. It’s understandable how much this has hurt you, talking about it will actually make you feel better than bottling it up.

mary
posted on March 8th 2003 at 4:30PM CDT

you’re welcome sarah. my calling and listening and validating your feelings is about all that i can do. you know i’m here to listen. there isn’t anything that anyone can really say to you. and no one will know exactly what you’re going through. but, based on all the comments you’ve gotten it looks like alot of people love you and want you to know you have their support. i’ll call you soon to see how you’re doing. just to make sure you’re still breathing. which i know you are. i think you’re stronger then you realize. if you want proof of that consider that you’ve made it through these few days.

neekoh
posted on March 8th 2003 at 4:23PM CDT

Dear Sarah,
I haven’t been here in a while and I just read all your latest entries. I am so sorry about everything that’s happened to you! I wish there was something I could do, but I don’t have a cradit card or anything. All I can do is offer a shoulder to cry on and a friend to talk to. If you need me for whatever reason, feel free to e-mail me or IM me (spascwgrl). I will try to chat sometime when you have a chat set up, but until then, know that I’m still here for you.
Love,
Neekoh

Liberty
posted on March 9th 2003 at 12:07AM CDT

Wow… I just came to peek at the site, since it had been so long.  I have no idea what has happened, but I will do whatever I can to help out, Sarah.  Please email me privately and let me know what you need and I’ll see what I can do, ok?

(Especially since, judging by what I have read… I have been there, done that. :( )

Jenni
posted on March 9th 2003 at 2:52AM CDT

Sarah, PLEASE email me and tell me some things you need for Daniel! I would love to help you out by getting him some things he needs.

Please take care! You are VERY strong!! You’re doing wonderful!! You’re an incredible mom and a wonderful woman!!

**HUGS**

Jessica M( in tucson)
posted on March 9th 2003 at 2:03AM CDT

hey sarah,
  I am not at all tired of you talking I just wish I could help you a little more with everthing that is going on.  I will try and call you to see how you are doing within the next week. If there is anythign at all that I can do please just let me know.  Hnag in there and just remember I am here for you always.  Jessica( ATB’s girl)

Jill
posted on March 9th 2003 at 6:40AM CDT

What size/s does Daniel wear?

sarah
posted on March 9th 2003 at 6:02PM CDT

dear sarah,
i wish there was something i could do.. If i had any money what so ever i would give you some in a heart beat.. i might be able to find some clothes for daniel.. what size does he wear? i could send them to ya if i get any.. well at least your able to talk about it.. that means that you are coping with it in a healthy way.. not bottling it up and all..

Tricia
posted on March 10th 2003 at 9:42AM CDT

Sarah, no way are you boring. You take as much time as you need to get your feelings out. Keeping them in will only be worse. Let me know what size the lil baby boy wears, I’ll see if I have anything from Donovan that could fit him. And if you need anything else, you just let me know, ok?

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