thoughts

its night time *gasp* sprite up at night? yeah whatever okay listening to umm now nsync and i am in “deep thought” mode…..kevin IMed me tonight telling me what a nice person i am…matt says he just wants to get into my pants…..hum……ali wants to get a one bedroom place when we move because to feel that closeness we used to have sharing a room for most of our lives…im just freaking what it would be like to be alone…to sleep alone…to not have the roll over half awake kinkyness……i was having the weirdest dreams yesterday afternoon…i kept dreaming of my grandmother…..all the dreams were different but she was the one constant thing…i wonder if its a sign? shes the only person ive ever respected really….everyone else ive felt like they were pathetic at one time or another….ive been very tipping the scale on if i should move or not but maybe her in all my dreams means i need to have the strength to leave to move on…yeah maybe it will be a long time before i have the self esteem and freedom of mind i used to have but it will be well worth it in the end….i have to wonder how people would react knowing i was back? or how i would even contact people like nicki…..then again i know where patricks mom works so that wouldn’t be hard…….josh would be sooo happy to have me and ali back…..we would have cold real milk not soy for him! listening to take 5….i was thinking about my faith tonight…here i feel ridiculed if i even try to talk about it and matts whole thing is just ignore me ……..i know tucson actually has a pagan community maybe i would look more into that when i am there? i can remeber when silvija, ali and i had mingled blood to be blood sisters…we had lit candles at her mothers tae kwon do studio and were in the back room and we were poking at scabs and stabbing with a dull needle….very few people do i feel i can just sit on a couch and just feel comfy with….but she was one of those people…even some online people i feel that comfy with…its so hard to have a balanced online friendship because it ends up one person bitching to the other like its a therapist…..i can’t count how many times ive had people start talking to me and then telling me their entire lives….i mean do i give off a talk to me vibe? well anyways thats enough for now *drinks more coke*