cherry

Oh where to start. I feel like I have a billion jumbled thoughts all fighting for attention bouncing around right now. Lately I’ve been really evaluating this current pregnancy, the upcoming birth, and babyhood if you will. Even though I co-slept from day one with my son, breastfed him until he self weaned (no pacifiers/formula/bottles/etc), cloth diapered him, was very hands on (didn’t use a crib/swing/bouncy seat, etc), no vax, no CIO, everyone seems SO shocked when I plan on doing the same with the new baby. Or on the other hand take HUGE offense to it and either bitch me out that I am “putting their choices down” or spending 45 min justifying how they parent. I don’t understand that.

I’ve been told by “friends” that I should NOT consider a VBAC (first son was footling transverse breech, found out at 38 wks when I had switched evil OB’s), because after almost 8 years and having a classic “bikini” cut, I “will” have a uterine rupture. Um no. I have researched that extensively and my chances are practically nil.

That I should always keep disposable diapers around for those who refuse to touch a cloth diaper, which boggles my mind since AIO’s or fitteds are just as easy to use.

Another issue I have is that my father, even though I reached out and told him the sex of the new baby and my due date, hasn’t made an effort to contact me or my 7 yr old son. My 7 yr old son’s biological father has made ZERO attempts to call/write/email him. What hurts me even more is that my son has only negative things to say about “daddy” and I use that term very loosely. BD #2’s mother hasn’t made any effort to be pro-active and get to know me, her “step” grandson, or future grandchild. I won’t even get started on how my rather active social life and “friends” disappeared when I became pregnant.

I am trying not to worry about the impending birth (since I still have a few months) but I can already foresee a lack of support and advocacy for me and the baby. This time around I am trying to go with CNM’s but that doesn’t really mean a whole heck of a lot to me really since it will still be a hospital VBAC.

I worry that I have NO clue what to name this baby. I worry that people will go against my wishes and share the sex of the baby with specific IRL individuals that I don’t want to have ANYTHING to do with (or I would have told them myself). I am tired that I feel like it’s a competition on whose pregnancy was worse, whose birth was more/less painful, whose parenting had the most struggles. I am so worn out from people taking everything I do/say for MYSELF and MY children as a personal attack against them and their parenting.

Isn’t it punishment enough that I am so alone during one of the most important times in my life? Apparently self pity isn’t allowed because, again, my pregnancy is NOTHING compared to the difficulties everyone else has had.

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Ally
posted on May 22nd 2009 at 1:46PM CST

I never understood why parents felt the need to justify their parenting methods in those situations.  I remember that when I made it “public” that I would delay vaccinations (and opt out of some) it turned into an invitation to begin conversations with “Well, I vaxxed and here’s why!”. 

Meh.

Does your hospital offer doulas?  I know ours did, for free, and mine was awesome.  I’d just suggest getting to know one beforehand if possible.  Or, if the hospital doesn’t offer them, do you have any midwives or doulas in training that could be with you during your birth?  I know many of them get training that way – and it counts toward their certification.  I’d Google and see what’s nearby.

Jenn
posted on May 22nd 2009 at 2:13PM CST

It sounds to me like you have a great plan for your baby—both how you will have him/her and take care of him/her. VBAC is definitely the way to go, so long as you’ve made an informed decision (which I know you have!) and you have a good support system. I hope it all works out for you. If I had a third child I would definitely have a VBAC (like you, I found out around 38 weeks that Ryan was transverse lie, totally wrapped around my middle).

I hope that you can find the support that you need. It’s a shame that those who should be supportive and caring are not. :(

P.S. AIO cloth diapers all the way! I love using them on Ryan. I have at least a dozen Happy Heinys and Fuzzi Bunz around, so there’s always plenty to get through the day with.

posted on May 22nd 2009 at 2:11PM CST

Part of me feels that when parents get overly defensive about their “decisions” when it comes to parenting that they simply were railroaded into them, didn’t actually research them, or fear other schools of thought if you will.

I really would love a doula, around here I believe it’s $500-600. It never occurred to me to see if the hospital offers one for a lower or free cost! Thank you so much for the suggestion!

posted on May 22nd 2009 at 2:15PM CST

Thank you Jenn! I plan on using prefolds/covers especially for the NB phase, some fitted’s, AIO’s, and maybe some pocket diapers. CD has come SUCH a long way since I CD Daniel lol.

Do you have any suggested CD sites you purchase from?

P.A.
posted on May 23rd 2009 at 12:16AM CST

I think it kind of goes both ways with the defending-my-parenting. I’m waiting on my first, and haven’t made a lot of decisions because I have to look into them more (like vaccinations). I have definitely seen the ‘I decided to vaccinate because…’ But have also seen women comment on having taken their kid for vaccinations and get hammered with the reasons somone else DIDN’T go that route. I try to make the best decisions I can and then I’m ok. I’m willing to hear someone else’s opinion, if they aren’t just trying to fight then I’m ok. As long as I do my best I am comfortable with my decisions. When I learn better ill do better! :)

I don’t have much support either. I moved away from home just before becoming pregnant, and found out just from the move that I wasn’t really close enough with ANYONE back home to even want to share this with them. I definitely wouldn’t be getting support from them. I tried at first to keep friendships intact, but everyone made it clear it was out-of-sight, out-of-mind.

If it makes you feel better, I read your blog on occasion and your pregnancy seems way worse than mine :)

Erin
posted on May 26th 2009 at 2:06PM CST

Ugh, the lack of social support is so upsetting. I’m very sorry that you are in that situation. At least you have us interweb peoples. =)

I wish you the best of luck with your VBAC. I’m going to be doing that with my little baby this time and I’m a bit nervous about it all. But I have several months to go before things get that far, thank goodness.

As far as justifying pregnancies and parenting types, I think it’s something we all do to some degree. We are all trying to do the best by our children and I think that is the most important thing of all. But I will admit that when talking to some ladies about the horrors of a previous pregnancy, sometimes it feels like they aren’t even listening to a word I say, just waiting to pounce in with how their situation was worse!

Eh, anyway. Best wishes with your little babe.

posted on May 26th 2009 at 6:14PM CST

@ P.A, when it comes to vax, if people decided to vax their children based on actually researching the topic, yay. The problem I see is that parents tend to believe everything a medical professional tells them, even though (just like us) they are basing a lot off of personal biases and opinions rather than medical fact or studies done. Meh.

Lol thanks! I just wish 1. the bronchitis would go away and 2. the hyperemesis would finally go away.

@ Erin, you’re right! I think I would go utterly insane if the ‘web didn’t exsist! When are you due? I am super nervous but I hated the c-section I had with my son (even though it was needed due to him being transverse footling breech) and I really want the birth situation that I want, not what everyone around me (family/friends/medical folks) wants.

Oh I completely agree, or the women try to downplay what you are going through “well I worked so my situation was worse/more dramatic/etc”, it’s so bizarre isn’t it!

Erin
posted on May 26th 2009 at 9:12PM CST

I’m due in December although this little one will probably break out earlier than that. My daughter Jas was born two months early and my doctors figured out why two weeks ago: I have two uterus’s instead of one big roomy one. Apparently when I was being built, my two uterus’s never fused into one like what happens with most women. My first pregnancy was an emergency c-section since she was breech and I was way dilated when I got to the hospital. I’d really rather not have that happen again. Far too exciting for my taste! I don’t want bragging rights, just a healthy baby and to survive it all. =P

I think the worst thing for me about the c-section was the recovery time. It took me ages and I was so paranoid that my guts would burst out. >.<

I hope we both have totally normal and “boring” pregnancies from here on out. Or at least, very safe ones.

Arielle
posted on May 28th 2009 at 2:23AM CST

Everyone else needs to shut the fuck up. I mean, unless you’re outright abusing or neglecting your children, why should they care how you raise them? Like disposable diapers are the difference between your kids being happy, successful people and being heroin addicts.

Like I said, everyone needs to shut the fuck up.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy and the birth goes smoothly.

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