Oh where to start. I feel like I have a billion jumbled thoughts all fighting for attention bouncing around right now. Lately I’ve been really evaluating this current pregnancy, the upcoming birth, and babyhood if you will. Even though I co-slept from day one with my son, breastfed him until he self weaned (no pacifiers/formula/bottles/etc), cloth diapered him, was very hands on (didn’t use a crib/swing/bouncy seat, etc), no vax, no CIO, everyone seems SO shocked when I plan on doing the same with the new baby. Or on the other hand take HUGE offense to it and either bitch me out that I am “putting their choices down” or spending 45 min justifying how they parent. I don’t understand that.
I’ve been told by “friends” that I should NOT consider a VBAC (first son was footling transverse breech, found out at 38 wks when I had switched evil OB’s), because after almost 8 years and having a classic “bikini” cut, I “will” have a uterine rupture. Um no. I have researched that extensively and my chances are practically nil.
That I should always keep disposable diapers around for those who refuse to touch a cloth diaper, which boggles my mind since AIO’s or fitteds are just as easy to use.
Another issue I have is that my father, even though I reached out and told him the sex of the new baby and my due date, hasn’t made an effort to contact me or my 7 yr old son. My 7 yr old son’s biological father has made ZERO attempts to call/write/email him. What hurts me even more is that my son has only negative things to say about “daddy” and I use that term very loosely. BD #2’s mother hasn’t made any effort to be pro-active and get to know me, her “step” grandson, or future grandchild. I won’t even get started on how my rather active social life and “friends” disappeared when I became pregnant.
I am trying not to worry about the impending birth (since I still have a few months) but I can already foresee a lack of support and advocacy for me and the baby. This time around I am trying to go with CNM’s but that doesn’t really mean a whole heck of a lot to me really since it will still be a hospital VBAC.
I worry that I have NO clue what to name this baby. I worry that people will go against my wishes and share the sex of the baby with specific IRL individuals that I don’t want to have ANYTHING to do with (or I would have told them myself). I am tired that I feel like it’s a competition on whose pregnancy was worse, whose birth was more/less painful, whose parenting had the most struggles. I am so worn out from people taking everything I do/say for MYSELF and MY children as a personal attack against them and their parenting.
Isn’t it punishment enough that I am so alone during one of the most important times in my life? Apparently self pity isn’t allowed because, again, my pregnancy is NOTHING compared to the difficulties everyone else has had.