I sit here at 2am working on the week’s menu plan.

I’m struggling lately. I feel like I’m failing everyone.

I asked my husband, “how much do you love me?” and he responded with, “so much that it hurts”.

I like to read my old posts and I wish I could send a letter back in time, that it wouldn’t be THAT BAD forever. That the fists, the words, the fear, would be a distant memory.

Am I doing enough? I know this sounds ridiculous but I don’t know how to be a SAHM to just ONE little one. What should I be doing all day while my oldest is back in school?

I’m struggling still with my weight. I’ve eaten out more than I care to admit this week. Lou Malnati’s deep dish pizza. Take out Mexican food… lots of steak nachos.

I always seem to hover around this weight. This size. I suppose in some ways I have a fear of getting healthier and thinner. Go figure right. Going to change things up with just different recipes and a sort of workout schedule. A mix of my treadmill and Bob (I love me some Bob).

I spent most of Saturday baking up a storm. Something about mixing muffin batter and forming scones is like therapy for me. I learned to cook from my maternal grandmother. I made Pumpkin Scones, Pumpkin Muffins, Pumpkin Snickerdoodles, Blueberry Brown Sugar Brown Butter Muffins, and Banana Muffins. I’ll try and post the recipes on Food@OSN soon.

I like baking muffins because they freeze wonderfully and can be warmed up in a minute in the microwave for a quick healthy breakfast for the kids or my husband. Reduces the morning rush a bit. It doesn’t hurt either when my oldest tells me, “this is the best muffin EVER, make these AGAIN!” even though he says it about EVERY muffin.

Plus it makes me feel accomplished.

So my oldest son, Daniel, is back in public school after three years of homeschooling / unschooling. We roll into our second week now and so far it’s been much better than I anticipated. Aside from him losing his lunch box for a day (they found it thankfully, after I bought him a new one, go figure), school has been smooth sailing. He really likes his teacher and the school environment as a whole. He wakes up in the morning, gets dressed, warms up a muffin, and either plays outside or watches a show before I drive him to school. He’s excited to tell me about his day when I pick him up.

A WORLD of difference compared how it USED to be. We’re noticing he is more social now, after school I take the boys to the park and he will just ask the other kids to play or if he can join in playing basketball when BEFORE, he would shy away. It’s only been a week! He takes it much more seriously too, tells us he works hard on being focused. I couldn’t be more proud.

His teacher is freaking awesome for keeping in contact and emailing me back (even when my questions are insane) and that puts ME into a positive place when it comes to school. Danny really likes her too which is even MORE awesome!

I’m getting a kick out of Tristan these days. He has the best sense of humor and is down right THRILLED each and every time he asks for milkies and I say yes. I’ll have to get a video of his reaction one of these days. He is still a Daddy’s Boy though, hardcore style. Big brother is an acceptable substitute. I’m there to provide diaper changes and milkies. Occasionally muffins and other food items. His favorite being vanilla greek yogurt. I go through a huge tub of it a week for JUST HIM!

So fill me in on what’s going on with you. Life crappy or is it treating you well? Are you looking forward to Autumn as much as I am? Ignoring the fact I’ll be 30 years old in a bit over a month and Tristan will be 2 years old in about a month… Fill me in on your life!

posted on August 29th 2011 at 10:13AM CDT

All those changes in your son’s life are really, really positive! :) In fact, I feel like you haven’t failed anything or anyone. As for being a SAHM, you could actually focus on Food@OSN, because I really, really love your recipes and your pictures mais I’m totally looking forward to read some more of your recipes.

Another thing: at 20, would you have thought to be happily married to a man you love and loves you back with two adorable, healthy, balanced kids? (I mean, seriously, that text message is simply beautiful!) I’m barely 23 and who knows what my life will look like ten years from now? Actually, I couldn’t care less. Even with all the crappy stuff that happens sometimes in our lives, we always manage to get back on our feet.

As for my life, well… last month of internship for my part, and off for a wine & spirits trade degree for the 2011-2012 term. Oh, and one year from now, I’ll be starting a career in the Netherlands. Or Sweden. I just can’t wait!!!

Take care!

posted on August 29th 2011 at 11:55AM CDT

Thank you! I do hope to post some recipes this week, I’ve been doing a LOT of baking!

Well, at 20 I JUST gave birth to Daniel and THOUGHT I was “where I should be” in my life. However, at 23, 24, etc did I EVER think my life would be like this? NO! I feel so lucky every day!

OHHH you’re so lucky to travel to amazing places!

posted on August 29th 2011 at 2:52PM CDT

And you’re so lucky for living in the US. I’ve never had the opportunity to cross the Atlantic… I dream about New York, mostly, because apparently it’s the most European city in the US, but I heard Seattle’s not bad too. You live in the Chicago area, right?

posted on August 30th 2011 at 9:59AM CDT

I’m about 15-30 min (depending on traffic LOL) from Chicago yep! I wouldn’t want to live directly IN the city though, too much traffic lol.

posted on August 29th 2011 at 10:38AM CDT

Amaaazing photo of the hummingbird. LOVE it!

So glad to see the kiddo is doing so well in school. Nothing about this post indicates to me that you’re failing anything. Quite the opposite! I hope your heart opens to see that you’re a wonderful mom. Your past is behind you, and *hugs*

My life is going pretty awesome. I’m looking to get out of my house, since I’m sharing it with 3 other girls and I’m allergic to nearly everything they wear. Once summer is over and the windows are closed, who knows if I can even handle being in my own house! Other than that, everything is great. :) I finally got my job so everything is perfect.

posted on August 29th 2011 at 11:57AM CDT

Thank you! I was SOOO shocked and freaking thrilled because the last time I saw a hummingbird is back when I lived in Arizona! I didn’t know Illinois had them LOL!

OHH that sucks. Are they just not respectful of you?

posted on August 29th 2011 at 11:44AM CDT

I totally understand the whole not feeling like you’re doing enough… especially when I wasn’t working. Sure I did most of the cleaning, cooking, errands and kid stuff. It’s all part of being a stay at home mom… but I always had this overwhelming guilt like I wasn’t doing enough for my family. Odis always told me that I do MORE then enough and how much he appreciated the things that I do… so why did I still feel bad? I think it’s all because everything boils down to money and in our society money = EVERYTHING. I contributed little (financially) while my man is the bread winner. It’s hard to accept the value of a hard days work filled with rearing children, taking care of the house and errands when you don’t get paid $$$ at the end of the week. In the end you have to take value in the fact that you tried your hardest to promote and better your children and family’s emotional, physical, spiritual and educational well being. A stay at home mom does not get paid monies for her hard work but it doesn’t mean that her hard work doesn’t pay off or make a difference… because you (as a mommy and a wife) are the world to your family and you make a world of difference to them :)

posted on August 29th 2011 at 11:58AM CDT

I make a little bit of money doing web work and such but I just… so many SAHM that I know seem SOOOO BUSY all the time and most of the day I just lounge around… mostly because the little one ignores me until we pick up his big brother LOL!

I also bake. A lot. I don’t eat what I bake (cookies and things) but the male folk seem to appreciate it!

posted on August 29th 2011 at 12:18PM CDT

I’m the same way. We have the routine of pick up clean up, eat, bath, take naps, wake up from naps and go do shopping or go to the park… and that’s about it. I don’t to all the mommy and me stuff mainly because I can’t live outside our means … plus I’m more of a homebody. I still make sure to get the kiddos out everyday or every other day during the week and the weekends are fun filled because I have Odis here to help and plan. My ideal life would be to have a part time job in the evenings (to get away from the house and have some adult interaction) and be with the kids during the day… but I’m still working on that lol. The dream of a one income house hold is pretty much a thing of the past. If we could be comfortable on one income I would opt to stay home until the kids are in school. You’re a wonderful mommy and you do so much for your family! So glad your big boy is doing well with school.

posted on August 30th 2011 at 10:02AM CDT

I feel very out of place with “mommy” events and such. Partly because I have self-esteem issues and partly because it’s hard to find anything in common with other parents (due to parenting styles, age, etc).

I also look forward to when my husband is home because then I feel like we can DO SOMETHING FUN! Plus with DS1 back in school, it’s a bit hard with the little one at this age to do much because he is equally happy with playing with socks as he is going to the gardens LOL.

posted on August 29th 2011 at 2:09PM CDT

Dear Sarah,
If you every wonder if you are doing enough.. the way you were asking in your blog I challenge you with this.. are you happy? Are you happy with what you are doing everyday. Not the day in it’s entirety I mean each task during the day. And no I don’t mean the diaper changing kinds. I mean when you bake for your family and see them smile.. are you happy? When you wake up and your husband gives you a big slobbery wet one or a tiny little peck.. are you happy? Are you happy when you’re taking pictures? Are you happy when you respond to emails ..and blog.. and update twitter? Are you? I already know the answer at least partly to most of those questions. And that answer resides in the many posts you do about how much you love your family. What’s my point? My point is.. you aren’t really giving to get to a giving maximum. You are giving because, you want to. Because, it replenishes you. Because, it makes you.. dare I say.. happy to do it. If you are doing enough for you then you are doing enough. Period. You don’t have to do a blasted thing for me because, your friendship IS THE GIFT I get from you. And it is all I ask for. Thank you for being who you are. Who you are is in part a devoted mother who will do ANYTHING for her kids even if it means undoing what you did.. just to see them get whatever healthy productive things they need. Who you are is a wife who loves and trusts her husband. You are a sister and Auntie. And friend. But, most importantly you.. are Sarah. A woman. Changing growing learning and changing again. But.. you are always always always YOU. And in my opinion.. you ARE and YOU DO enough.. if not more.


Mango ♥

posted on September 7th 2011 at 11:13AM CDT

I love you!

posted on August 29th 2011 at 10:38PM CDT

I really hope that you and the family can make our BBQ. I haven’t seen you in forever, and I’d LOVE to meet Keith and Daniel. I haven’t seen Uber Squish since he was much, MUCH squishier, and I’m just dying to see him run around. Please try. I promise, my new backyard is enough to make anyone happy.

posted on September 7th 2011 at 11:13AM CDT

I wish we were able to go! All of us were sick! Only the baby is totally fine again (thanks to the hardcore milkies yo).

posted on August 30th 2011 at 12:06PM CDT

Sarah, I’m so happy to hear that Danny is enjoying school. And Tristan? Wow, he’s really growing, isn’t he? I know it’s hard to stick it out when it comes to getting healthier. I’m going through the same thing right now, but I’ve got to make this happen. I don’t like feeling as sluggish as I do and I miss the way my body felt when I was thinner. I’ve always been curvy and I’m okay with that, but there are a few extra curves here and there that are no longer welcome. lol

As for my life, my kids are back in school and doing well. My 2yo is talking more and more each day. I caught her climbing her sister’s bunk bed ladder the other day. That freaked me out. Oh, I’m officially a mother to TWO high schoolers. Please shoot me. lol And finally, I purchased tickets to my first ever blog conference this morning. It’ll be here in Saint Louis this coming October. You know what that means? I have a huge incentive for getting rid of these extra curves! Good luck to us both and I hope that Danny continues to thrive in school. :)

posted on September 7th 2011 at 11:15AM CDT

I struggle with getting past this 10lb bounce (I lose and gain the same 10lbs). It’s hard when I still have SO MUCH to lose.

OHH which conference?

posted on September 2nd 2011 at 7:25AM CDT

ahh.. you’ll get used to it. You’ll find a routine you love. Trust me. I’ve done it a few times ;) You’re doing wonderful things, your oldest is happy and loving his new school setting. Btw, he looks just like you.
Your youngest..such a hoot in those costumes!

Don’t worry, really. it’s only been just over a week. you’ll find your groove. Me? i’m getting to enjoy the mostly quiet house once again, now that 3 of my 4 are in school. i’m so happy to have them ALL in the same place again. Even with having dropped over $200 in the one week that my oldest has moved back in. (bio dad is well very lacking in the parental dept)

I’d suggest doing more of what you love to do. Photography and Baking. :) Have little Tristan help with the baking. He’ll love it! Plus it’ll help him have great skills when he’s older in the kitchen..not many boys have that.

Take care ^_^

posted on September 7th 2011 at 11:16AM CDT

So far we are getting into a sort of routine, only issue is the baby sleeping the day away until his big brother gets home!

Oh I totally understand about bio-dad issues!