Late at night is the worst for me mentally.
I have a tendency to rehash the past in my mind (as in the past few decades!) and I want to talk about it all, NEED to talk about it all on some level.
I just don’t know where to start. I just hope some of this makes sense!
How honest I should be. How much I should expose of myself, of my life, of how I became the person I am today.
I suppose the common thread of my life is abuse. Physical, emotional, verbal, mental, to a degree even sexual.
I spent my first 19 years of life feeling as if I was put on this earth to make my parents suffer. That I was worthless and evil. Not to mention being a little girl with bruises up and down my legs, or being told I was a bitch. Of course now at the “ripe” age of 28 yrs old I can see that being TOLD almost daily that I was a burden, that I was evil, how my mother would tell me she wished often she had an abortion with me, would completely destroy any trust I had for other people and any trust I had for myself.
I HATED myself.
I would put myself in dangerous situations, hoping to some degree that someone would WANT to get me on the “right track”. I got involved in highly abusive relationships.
I would identify myself as stupid, pathetic, worthless, trash, and disgusting.
I then got pregnant at 19yrs old after living with (and being engaged to) Matt for 2 1/2 yrs. We had a BAD relationship. He was very abusive verbally, emotionally, and physically. However I KNEW I was bound and determined to be a good mother to my baby.
I took on the role of “momma” HARDCORE. I was no longer weak or pathetic. I was this little boy’s MOTHER.
I am going to skip over the gritty details of my relationship with Daniel’s biological father, of the abuse there (to both me and to Dan), skip over my nervous breakdown and alcoholism while Daniel LIVED with his bio-father for 5 months, and talk about the here and now.
I went from a victim, a weak worthless nothing to a MOTHER. I went from being a punching bag to a protector and then lost myself yet again.
I met Keith who not only took my sorry drunk self into his life but my oldest son as well. He made Daniel HIS SON. Not “step” not “Sarah’s kid” but HIS SON. I won’t get into how he wants to do serious damage to Daniel’s bio-father for what he put Danny through right now anyway. How he dove headfirst into the awesome and fantastic world of attachment parenting. How he fought with me, FOR me when I was fighting to have a VBAC with Tristan (which sadly did not occur thanks to placenta abruption).
Only problem is I lost myself along all this way. During the five months that Daniel lived with the abusive bio-father, I learned I didn’t know who I was anymore. Was I this awful bitch that my twin sister says I am? Am I this worthless person that should have died while in utero like my mother wished so many times? Maybe I was existing to make everyone feel better about THEMSELVES or THEIR life because my life was in ruins.
When I fought to have a VBAC with Tristan only to have EVERY SINGLE doctor and nurse tell me to forget it, I was too stupid, too fat, that everything was WRONG with me, that my body couldn’t birth normally, only to end up with a second c-section because my placenta decided to detach early. I figured they were right. Why did I even bother to try to end up with THEIR desired result.
I gained 60lbs AFTER the birth of my baby after gaining pretty much NOTHING during the pregnancy itself.
I developed insomnia.
Only now am I slowly getting better. I get out of the house more thanks to Keith getting a membership to the Chicago Botanic Garden. I talk on twitter with people who understand how I’m feeling.
I feel more secure in myself. I don’t have to be the party girl to have people notice me or care about me. Yes I am fat but I’m working on that. I still have my doubts and fears but no longer feel alone with them. I no longer want to censor myself out of fear that someone may leave a not so nice comment or that my estranged mother will send me yet another letter expressing what a disappointing daughter I am, or that my siblings will criticize me or lie about me.
I am secure in MYSELF. In my life. In MY FAMILY (which to me consists of my boyfriend and our two sons). In my DECISIONS.
I am a mother (a hardcore passionate one at that!), a photographer, I am CREATIVE, I am scary smart sometimes, I can be overly emotional at other times, I am an awesome cook, loving, funny, and sometimes I am even a joy to be around!
I only wish it didn’t take 28yrs to figure that (to steal from L’Oreal) I AM worth it!