Processing the Negative: Pregnancy and Upcoming Birth #2
It’s interesting how sudden I lost the ability to think, to write. I’m sure this is partly due to the fact that my due date with baby boy #2 is NEXT FRIDAY. Sounds more scary that way, doesn’t it? I feel so unprepared and I can’t quite put my finger on “why?”. I guess I was a bit resigned to the very real possibility that my oldest son was going to be an only child, oh and I still haven’t packed a bag, installed the car seat, do not have enough cloth diapers, etc.
It’s also interesting, when I look back on this particular pregnancy, the cloud of anger and negative attitudes I’ve received.
My former place of employment pretty much threw a fit, (I was hauled in almost daily to “discuss” my pregnancy), I lost pretty much every single friend, (or so-called apparently), I was told OFTEN especially in the first trimester by employees I didn’t even KNOW that I had “options” to “deal” with the pregnancy. I found it so highly offensive considering when I found out I was 27yrs of age, in a solid relationship, working full-time, oh and already was a mother! That’s not even to get into the comments by the management…
I’ve had to deal with such negative and mis-informed thoughts/opinions/attitudes about the birth from family and the few friends I have left. Yes, it’s a big list:
- NOT letting my newborn be given eye drops (they are used to “treat” the baby’s eyes if the mother has a STD) was illegal
- Without having the medical profession TELL me, command me, to push that my body literally wouldn’t know how
- It’s not possible to birth without being on your back
- I would have to (god forbid) sign waivers if I declined the HepB vax (my baby isn’t born shooting heroin/having sex)
- That waiting to go to the hospital for my VBAC would 100% result in the baby being born in the car
- Having a VBAC would automatically mean my uterus would rupture, so why try
- I should have a repeat c-section, because it’s selfish of me to not “choose” my baby’s birthday
- I was told I can’t handle pain, I would “need” the epidural because of how I was after having the c-section & gallbladder removal surgeries. Because labor and birth are exactly like major abdominal surgery apparently.
- That I am “idealizing” the birth, because “what if?!” the baby presents with his hand by his face, his heartrate drops, etc. That I haven’t “prepared” for every single possibility. Somehow my having a VBAC makes all the “what if’s” certain events.
Actually there is a ton more but even just going over those make me testy. I’ve not even gone into all of the actual parenting crap that has been spouted at me regarding breastfeeding, no circ, co-sleeping, no vaccinating, cloth diaper, etc. I really REALLY do not get how people can even TALK to me about breastfeeding in a negative way (for those who know me personally) especially considering my son NEVER had a drop of formula, no bottles, no pacifiers, and self-weaned himself at 4yr. I think I can handle breastfeeding another child the same way. I also don’t understand why anyone would think I would change the way I parent in general.
Oh yes, I am a bit with the rage. What makes it ok for ANYONE to spout crap without doing any research? An “opinion” isn’t FACT.
Sigh. Generally I try to not let it get to me, but lately that’s proven to be very difficult. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have the full support from my boyfriend and son. I know at the end of the day that’s all I really need.
When did it become ok, and even applauded, to attack someone for not being mainstream? Has anyone else dealt with being shunned, verbally attacked, etc, for the way you parent?
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I personally have been dealt some questioning looks regarding my parenting beliefs in regards to mainly breast feeding and cloth diapering (Randy’s cousin just had a baby in JUNE and they’ve got him on rice cereal already) WTFBBQ?!!! For the most part if people are talking they’re doing it when I’m not around and I think that it’s bull how everyone is so judgemental. It’s like, you have your kids and I’ll have mine. Let the parenting choices I make be the ones I deal with. I’ve also received some flack for my refusal to have an epidural but once I bring up epilepsy and telling people I’d rather not have a seizure during labor which would immediately cause a c-section they drop the harping.
I haven’t installed a car seat or packed my bag completely yet and I’m due in 3 days. :-p
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..39 weeks and 1 day. Dum dum dum =-.
I don’t get how not choosing his birthday makes you selfish at all. I say do your thing and just let everyone else talk. Even if you did everything “by the book” you’d still get comments from people. I got a lot of the “you can’t handle pain” comments as well. But I ended up making it about halfway on my own without the epidural.
Oh, and I was packing my bag about 5 minutes before heading to the hospital. :P
Jesus Christ on a cracker! It always astonishes me so much when I hear of things like this. Why does anyone else think it matters one hot damn what they say about how your birth should be or how your baby should be raised? I’ve never experienced this either at work or with my family and it makes me so sad to hear things like this.
You are going to have an awesome and empowering VBAC! You’re raising one child beautifully and I know you’ll make the best decisions for your next. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with all this negativity throughout and at the end of your pregnancy and I hope you can block them out. Seriously, you’re getting a lot of moronic comments.
.-= {Lynda´s shared blog entry ..Labor Memories} =-.
@Sarah, the moment I found out I was pregnant, I made the MASSIVE mistake in telling, at the time, a very close friend of mine, who was apparently (and still is) having a relationship with one of the managers, she told him right away and he told ALL the management apparently. I had people I didn’t even know WORKED there coming up to me telling me I had “options” that I shouldn’t be eating/drinking “that” (whatever I was doing at the time), etc. I had my direct manager make miscarriage comments “now go on, lift those boxes, maybe it will make it go away har har”. It was so poorly handled… I am so upset STILL.
@Amanda, lord on cereal already? Setting that poor baby up for a world of issues right away! Oh yes, apparently we women are incapable of birthing without an epidural, it’s so odd since America is really the only country that is SO uber pro-epi, most other countries offer it but don’t PUSH it or freak out about it as much as Americans. I think I am due 3 days after you?
@Ashley, I know, it’s the stupidity that drives me nuts, and that birthday comment came from a labor and delivery nurse at the hospital!!
@Lynda, it REALLY bothers me, because I express how I would like to have this birth go (best case if possible) and instead of even GENERIC support, I get “you can’t do it, why try” type of attitudes, combined with the utter misinformation, my head wants to explode.
Thank you so much, I know you understand more than most how I feel about trying for a VBAC.
I’m not a mother, so I can’t even imagine how overwhelming it must all be for you. Just the physical pains & problems sound bad enough without everyone ganging up on you about every little thing. But unfortunately, a lot of people have nothing better to do than spout their unwelcome, unfounded, highly negative opinions. Hang in there and try not to let the morons get you down.
I also suspect you could have sued your old workplace if you’d wanted to set them straight; I know there are labor laws regarding treatment of pregnant employees, and I’d be stunned if constantly reprimanding you for being pregnant is acceptable! Some people are such jerks.
Oh yes Cheryl, I’ve had to deal with hyperemesis (aka the inability to keep most food down, it’s not as bad the past month and a half, but I am still having problems), a separated pelvis, where the cartilage that holds the two parts of the pelvis together, tore (which I’ve had people compare to “normal hip pain” and that I need to “suck it up”).
The work situation, dear god, I was told my vomiting was “bothersome”, again I have hyperemesis which I warned ALL management about when they came to ME about my pregnancy (that I had not informed them about at the time). When I asked them where I would be able to pump breastmilk, I got horrified “why?!” and no solid answer… plus a bunch of other crap.
I also was told NUMEROUS times how that particular location hadn’t had a pregnant woman working there in ten years, point being right? Sigh.
Your post reminds me of what I went through went I told my boss at work I was pregnant. First reaction: “But why didn’t you use contraception?”… Hmmm, maybe because I WANTED this baby? And whose business is it anyway? Second reaction: “You should really consider your options, I could schedule some holidays for you” At the time I was living in Northern Ireland, where abortion is illegal, and she basically told me she would schedule some time off for me to go abroad. WTF.
Aw hun sorry to hear you are stressed *hugs* I hope you feel better soon hun
.-= {Damita´s shared blog entry ..Greek Holiday} =-.
@Nella, it’s INSANE isn’t it? How suddenly these people think they have any right to talk to us about, not only our personal life, but our BODIES and reproductive organs?! It’s so insane!
@Damita, aww thank you!
Oh wow, I can’t believe you are having to deal with all this! Was it this way with your oldest son as well? Don’t people realize that you have a healthy, normal 7 year old at home, so you know what the heck you are doing?!?! I’m not a mother yet, but I hope to not have to hear the negative comments you are having to deal with. If so, I’ll tell them all where they can go! :P
.-= {Kecia´s shared blog entry ..Finally, A New Theme} =-.
It was not this way with my oldest exactly, I had my family (at first) be VERY anti-breastfeeding, very un-informed about breastfeeding, etc. Most of it was around my breastfeeding lol. Suddenly though, this time around, EVERYONE is an expert on pregnancy, labor, and parenting in general. So insane to me.
I haven’t had the chance to congratulate you on baby number 2 Sarah, so congrats! :) I’m not a parent, but I think in life we put up with a lot of people giving their opinions where they aren’t wanted. I get a lot of “why aren’t you married/why don’t you have a boyfriend/don’t you want to have children?” but as I’ve gotten older (I’m 32 now) I don’t worry so much. Often people make thoughtless comments and while I might take them very personally they’ve barely given any thought to what they said and forgotten it almost immediately.
I think if anyone has questions about your parenting they need only look at well adjusted and happy Daniel whom you’ve raised mostly by yourself. Unfortunately people will always fear what is different but you know deep inside that you are doing what is right for you and your family, so to hell with them.
Here’s sending you smooth and fast vibes for your labor!
.-= {Maree´s shared blog entry ..Beginning The Joy Diet at Another Chapter} =-.
Thanks! If I had people who had similar values as me making the comments I may not get so irritated, would attempt to inform, etc. It’s when it’s completely misinformed people spouting off about things they know NOTHING about, that I get testy.
lol I have to admit, this is the longest I’ve been pregnant! Daniel was born at exactly 39wks and I am now 39wk2day lol.
It surprises me how people are so uneducated about breastfeeding! My Goodness! I still can’t believe that people are saying this to you. I just became pregnant and so far I haven’t got the questions about “parenting” or anything but I am sure I will once I am further along.
Well good luck on your VBAC. and I hope everyone will leave you alone!
.-= {Thasanee´s shared blog entry ..Monday! Monday! Monday!} =-.
It really is horrifying to me how people would rather give their children a dead (as in breastmilk is a “live” substance), possibly contaminated powder, BY CHOICE. Not by actual proven NEED, but the moment the baby is born, BAM in goes the Similac bottle.
Once you start showing a ton, I’m sure the unwanted, insane comments will start flooding in heh.
@Sarah, rampant formula use really irritates me as well. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but I have supply issues I’ve fought with both children to overcome and cannot. I have to use donor milk and when there isn’t enough of that, I need to use formula.
The number of women CHOOSING to use formula without even trying to breastfeed (let’s ignore for a moment the amount of misinformation there is out there about breastfeeding) make me want to cry. Sometimes it does make me cry.
.-= {Lynda´s shared blog entry ..Toddler Tantrum Troubles} =-.
Exactly, when there is a TRUE NEED, formula well… is needed. It’s how women make the choice while pregnant, no supply issues, no issues at ALL, pop a bottle of formula from the get-go, that make me upset. Especially when the reasons they offer aren’t even logical. Or those who believe if they BF for a week that they are superstars because that’s “all” a baby “really” needs.
Ugh I could rant forever.
Oh… I like you! Yep, yep I do!
.-= {TheFeministBreeder´s shared blog entry… The Feminist Breeder Goes to Philly} =-.
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I'm Sarah or you can just call me StarryMom. I'm also known simply as "awesome".
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People will judge you no matter what, they need to get their priorities straight. There are far worse parents in the world, those who neglect and abuse their children for instance. You choose to raise your babies in a different way, but you are not harming them. It is hard to ignore the nay-sayers, but you are doing a great job, keep at it and don’t let these people get to you.
Your old workplace sounds awful. How dare they treat you that way. You are well rid, it seems. If I was treated like that, I probably would have walked out.
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..Question Time: The Answers =-.