Maybe sad doesn’t quite capture how I feel, depressed more like it. I know all of this will seem jumbled but I need to get it out of my head.
I can’t pinpoint a specific reason either. I feel like I’ve been on a slow decline since 2008 really. Combined with the hardest pregnancy I’ve ever had and the failed VBAC… I just can’t seem to recover. I keep thinking, if I just tried harder. If I just DID MORE. I could have prevented another c-section.
I went from having a large social circle to zero by the time I started my second trimester. My family is non-existent really, perhaps an email once every few months to inquire how my children are doing but that’s about it.
Tristan will be one year old in a matter of weeks. He is walking, laughing, playing, and mimics his big brother to the extreme. Just about two weeks after his birthday, I will have my own and be twenty-nine years old. Insane. I still feel like that scared seventeen year old hopping on a Greyhound bus to meet my online boyfriend (who ended up being Daniel’s biological father, go figure).
I’m overwhelmed with the house. I want to make it lovely and awesome but so many years of abuse (from Keith’s old roommates, from how it was ignored after his father passed away, etc) I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to make it fantastic for Autumn. I’ve been trying though. I spent most of my money at Target getting nice things for the kitchen table. I even got a Autumn themed piece for the door to make it more welcoming.
I’ve been trying to bake more lately too. I make a decent Banana Oatmeal Bread and Apple Crumble. I also like to bake muffins as it’s an easy snack for my boys.
I’ve generally been steady with my “full fat” WeightWatchers (I will write a post eventually on why I started again) and have lost just shy of twenty pounds.
Yet. I am still sad. I’ve lost pretty much all blogging motivation. I rarely tweet (and I don’t think anyone notices). The laundry is piling up and it’s all so overwhelming to me.
I’m LONELY. I miss having local friends. Yet I am so self-conscious, especially about my weight, that I’ve not made any effort to find any “mom” groups. I can’t handle the rejection.
I know I tend to dwell on things but my anxiety is insane. I worry about the most illogical things really and am quite paranoid about safety.
I wonder, does Daniel’s biological father even THINK about him? Does he know how much his son looks like him? That he is so loving and caring and is the BEST big brother? My son has a half-sister he doesn’t even KNOW and I wonder if they will ever have a relationship.
I wonder what the hell happened to me when I was little to cause the kind of anxiety and thoughts/worries I have today. I mean aside from the emotional / verbal / mental / physical abuse because THAT I am well aware of.
I don’t know how Keith puts up with me half the time really.
How does one do it? How do you go from years of a painful life to creating a happy present and future? I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak, and feel very lost.