I’d Rather Be Hated…
I internalize so much. Out of fear.
Fear of repercussion. Fear that I’ll be alone. Fear of what people would think of me.
It keeps me from blogging. I watch friends of mine get viciously attacked online and I’d never be able to handle the nasty comments, emails, facebook attacks.
It keeps me from being honest to MYSELF about relationships (with my family) I keep hoping will improve. I lie to myself and think if I can make them love me more, if I can be MORE of what THEY want me to be… it will get better. It never does.
I don’t post about my kids, especially my oldest, Daniel, because I see (via stats) that his biological father still reads my blog and I feel spiteful. Why should he get to know how his son (in a biological sense only!) is doing when he abused him and abandoned him?
So instead of letting my fear get in the way… I am going to try to live by that quote. Even though I know by taking that first step… it’s going to be scary.
This post is over a year old which means the content may be outdated or no longer accurate.
I wrote something similar a couple of months ago on my other blog (2 witches). “my family’s love for me has limits, that it only goes so far. They think I’m weird. Not weird and wacky and wonderful, just plain weird … in a way that makes them uncomfortable, a way that makes them want to squash the strangeness out of me. And I’ve let them.”
I wish I had been braver and not allowed my fear of losing my family (and others) to cause me to hide so much of myself for so long that I barely even recognize myself anymore.
I applaud your willingness to step out into the scariness of living more honestly.
I’m going to be 30 this year and it’s taken me until JUST NOW really to figure out that it’s ok if I don’t have my parents/siblings in my life. That my family is my kids and husband. Which I focus on HARDCORE lol.
I used to feel similar in that I didn’t want all of Cassidy’s business out there… and kept internalizing all that rage I felt over my her father. I can’t tell you how GOOD it felt to get it all out there though. And also, how reassuring and wonderful all the kind comments were.
HOWEVER, I have REALLY thick skin. Haters gonna hate. Doesn’t really bother me. I’m pretty good at drowning out the hate and only focusing on the positive comments.
It’s amazing how BAD you feel, even physically, keeping everything bottled up. My stress has been coming out through my skin (my arms and hands are literally cracking/peeling) and I realized that I can either sacrifice myself and let everyone around me be happy at the cost of MYSELF, or focus on myself, my kids, and my husband.
I’ve chosen the latter.
Change doesn’t happen in your comfort zone – so says my wonderful teacher and mentor Andrea Hess. I agree. Good for you for taking a step outside that comfort zone.
Be who you are, Sarah. Ain’t no one else gonna do it for you.
Thank you so much, I am so far out of my comfort zone right now, it’s crazy.
We love you no matter what! Dong let the bullies keep you from
being true to yourself! We all get shitty comments! Hell you have seen
my insane staplers! Shrug them off! They are just jealous!
Thank you so much! I can totally tell you had to be nursing while typing that LOL. Love <3
LOL! I am nursing while typing most things these days!
I think this is an excellent step. I know it’s still going to be a struggle, but fortunately (and this is the best part) if you don’t feed the trolls, they get hungry and go somewhere else to get their fill. And you can screen comments. It’s YOUR BLOG! Free speech, free bleach! It’s your blog, and you don’t even have to allow those horrible things people write up on their high horses to ever see the light of day. Be yourself, and I think you’ll find more people love you than hate you for it.
I feel like you’ve almost given me… permission to NOT let troll comments/spammy comments control my posts.
And I say that not just for your sake (and BRAVO to you!) but also for my own: this is really something I’d like to live up to, both in real life and online. I have so many drafts on topics that I fear will piss people off/invite the haters and trolls and whatnot. And I shy away from so many real-life conversations out of this same fear. But it’s just not worth it to hide like this–especially online, where I can just delete the trolls. :-)
Best of luck to you!!!
It’s so crazy isn’t it? How much we care about not only “strangers” but ONLINE strangers! People we’ll never have direct contact with in our offline lives.
LOL I wish I could “delete” offline issues as easily as online ones!
I’m not there yet. I made my blog anonymous because I’m not ready for people to see that it is me that’s so weird or to hear crap from my in-laws. But, like Samantha said, this is YOUR blog. Always be you.
I know my MIL visits OSN but generally my home life (directly with DH and the kids) is super boring lol. It’s all my OTHER drama with my family that’s crazy!
Sarah, you are such a beautiful and talented writer and photographer. Screw anyone who says differently. I hope you really do take this to heart and I will begin to see many more posts from you!
Aww thank you!! I’m trying!