long entry

September 9th 2001 / 3 minutes to read

As I sit here quietly thinking how my life is changing I realized I hardly discuss MY life or anything of real importance here. Maybe I just can’t find the words or maybe I just don’t think people will understand how hard everything really is. Lately I seem to have friends, new and old, emailing or IMing me about my pregnancy “OH HOW CUTE congrats! You will have SUCH a cute BABY BOY!” I shake my head when I am told this……is it cute when no matter WHAT you do your infant cries and cries? Or when you are changing a million diapers a day? I don’t look upon this as “oh yay some cute doll to play with” I was there when my best friend had her first child, and I have been there when some of matts friends had kids….once babies cry or need their diaper changed do all these people who are in awe of “cute baby” try to soothe the baby? or offer to change its diaper? no its usually this look of oh great the cuteness is disappearing……I guess I am just in a mood tonight….no one asks how I’M feeling or how I am handling all of this……its VERY hard to have NO friends and NO family here everyone is ethier 2 states away or over 2,000 miles away….and when I actually talk to someone about it, its all about formula * I am going to be breastfeeding* or cute “baby” items….unlike “typical” families and pregnancies, I am not being given a baby shower nor helpful baby gifts, I am lucky if anyone in my family asks how I feel, then it usually turns into how I need to “straighten” out for the babys sake….I didn’t realize I was foolish and irresponsible. And of course the classic “when are you two going to get married” no one gave a DAMN before if we EVER got married I was told by most everyone “well I wouldn’t be able to come but good luck” I look upon most peoples reactions with pity and disgust because they just don’t seem to comprehend all thats going on for me. Not to mention the CLASSIC “have you looked into welfare” I get that one a LOT…ESPECIALLY from some of the people here who have kids “oh I bet for SURE you could get money or food stamps from the state!!” I am like, is that something to be excited about? Yes I will most likely get on WIC once we move I go through milk like NO tomorrow and considering how expensive that is……I guess this has gone on long enough and I can’t think of anything else to say at this point…

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