Overwhelmed

August 26th 2023 / 3 minutes to read

It’s been almost two months since my father died and six months since my mother died.

August 12th would have been my mother’s 70th birthday.

I’m no longer getting any bereavement calls from hospice because the person I spoke to the most got a promotion. Any new person would want to focus solely on my grief, specifically about my father, and as everyone knows, my situation is too complicated to be able to do that. It does make my already intense isolation worse.

No one wants to hear me talk about what I’ve been through and continue to go through. It’s like I should be over it by now. I keep having to explain that it’s more than my parents’ deaths. Yes, the timing was horrific, but it’s everything surrounding it. All of the toxic and awful behavior from family members and the companies I’ve dealt with, the hundreds and hundreds of hours of phone calls, texts, emails, and travel time. The knowledge I now have surrounding my mother’s death and what really happened, and that my father knew at the end that one of his children did such awful things to him. It wrecks me.

Then this week, because WTF 2023, after ten years, my ex-fiance and my oldest son’s father messaged me on Facebook. He didn’t say much, so I’m not sure why he messaged me, but I gave him my phone number because he said that’s why he didn’t contact me sooner. That was Monday night. I’m posting this on Saturday. I haven’t heard from him since. It’s strange because I thought we had remained friends after we split up a billion years ago. So it hurt me when that turned out not to be the case. I’ve been waiting for him to reach out again for a real conversation. I don’t have it in me to beg him to talk to me.

I’m trying to survive each and every day, which is a challenge. Throw in a toxic marriage and health stress; I go next week for my bloodwork and the week after for my doctor’s appointment for my thyroid.

I feel like there’s no “light at the end of the tunnel” or something to look forward to.

See? This is why no one wants to talk with me anymore. I’m too negative now.

I did shoot this photo today. For the first time in ages, I’ve used my camera, my vision is crap because my prescription for my glasses was not done correctly a couple of years ago, so I was worried about focus, but I feel like it came out pretty good.

black and white photo of a white cosmos flower

Notes

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I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this and that life has been so cruel lately. I wish I had words of comfort that would help. Just know that I’m thinking about you and sending hugs from afar.

I appreciate that, and I know you relate to some of what I’m going through. I wish life, for me, wasn’t all negative, all of the time. It’d be nice to have something positive happen for a change!

Dani - aredfinch

There is no timeline for grief, and most especially when it is compounded by many other challenges, difficulties, etc. You don’t really get a chance to process anything because you are trying to cope with EVERYTHING. ♥️

Reply to Dani - aredfinch

That’s exactly what it is: trying to survive everything, and there’s no time for feelings. I’ve always been more emotional, so to have nothing but numbness is strange. I’ve looked into grief counselors, but it’s more of “cry it out” and “feel the feelings as they come.” No one has experience with everything I’ve been through and continue to go through this year.

I feel harsh when explaining that it’s more than just my parents dying. I am deeply struggling with the situations surrounding both of their deaths and can’t seem to move past it, much less grieve. I know I’ll have to trigger myself by listening to voicemails of their voices, LOL!

It sounds like a fictional TV show sometimes because it’s so unfathomable!

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