Questioning My Spirituality/Religion

January 21st 2010 / 2 minutes to read


Since the end of February of 2008, I’ve felt as if my beliefs, my faith in Paganism, has been missing. Perhaps the car accident at that time was a catalyst? I don’t know.

I just feel like something is missing. I don’t feel connected to the Goddess at ALL anymore. I’ve been Pagan for over fourteen years now so this is very odd for me. The first few months I thought maybe it was due to stress, work, being a single parent (at the time). However it’s been just about two years and it hasn’t improved. I have zero interest in Paganism.

I suppose part of me feels abandoned. My faith was shaken. I went through so much in the past two years emotionally and physically and felt no strength, no love, even when I did ritual after ritual, hoping I would feel connected again. I kept thinking if I tried to “talk” to the Goddess more, invest myself even MORE into my beliefs that perhaps my mindset, my heart, would change. That it would be as it used to be.

Yet nothing helped. Nothing changed. My life completely crumbled.

I thought, what if another religion or spiritual belief speaks to me? Yet I have so many preconceived notions that I wouldn’t know where to start.

Part of me as well is tired of being solitary. Yet when I reached out to other local Pagans I just get annoyed. Either they have NO grasp of reality or especially if they are parents, it’s hard to find someone who shares in my attachment parenting ideals.

I want to be a part of a community, have my sons be a part of a community. I want to feel strong in my faith, my spirituality, my religion.

I need help. I need guidance.

This post is over a year old which means the content may be outdated or no longer accurate.


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I know nothing about Paganism but for some reason would have thought attachment parenting to be common among believers. I used to go to a mom’s group at a church where AP was big. It was a Christian missionary church, not affiliated with any denomination but I believe they considered themselves ecumenical and charismatic. I don’t know if you have any interest in that type of church, but those are some words you could look for if you want to check out some different religions.

I’ve felt the same at times… I attempted to reach back to my buried Christian beliefs, but I’m so NOT a Christian, lol. We have a local pagan pride day here but most of the people who attend are Wiccan, which I’m not.

The thing about the Goddess is that she does guide us by helping us to guide ourselves. She’s more “life,” in my opinion than the kind of deity who sits on a throne and has a fax machine churning out prayers to be answered. She is in life as it happens… she’s in the choices we make, the lessons we learn. I feel as though faith in myself is faith in the goddess.

You could attempt to find or even start a SpiralScouts group in your area for your children, and volunteering your time might be a way for you to reconnect with nature and paganism.

As far as reaching out to local pagans, you could have a look on WitchVox for local groups in Illinois. They have family groups, adult groups. That’s if you’re willing to take the chance that some of these groups may be full of fluffy wannabes. One needs try all before ruling all out, I think!

Not a Pagan myself. However, I went through much of what you write of here following some great turmoil in my own life. It’s taken me a long time to find where I am today. While I identify as Christian and do have a church family, I have my own beliefs that don’t always go along with the Church.

And I’ve learned to be okay with that.

Basically, finding a place of peace with my own faith was a long process. Some people might not like my process or agree with my thoughts. But I’m okay with them. And that’s what matters.

I hope that you are able to find the same in your own journey, whatever religion and/or non-religion that would be. It’s different for everyone which, of course, makes it more difficult. But, in the end, more rewarding, I think.

Joni Rae

I am not a fan of pagan people. I say that- and I am a pagan. 90% of the people of have met that call themselves “pagan” are nothing like me. There are a few kind, intelligent, generous, spiritual pagan people that I know… But for the most part this path seems to attract the crazies and weirdos and back-stabbing jerks. People with a lack of common decency and kindness. I stopped going to open rituals a long time ago.
We have, however, had luck at the local Unitarian church. They welcome people of all faiths and my kids enjoy the Sunday classes.

Reply to Joni Rae

I was raised Catholic and I have been in and out of that religion since becoming an adult. More out than in. LOL. At times I go back to it, mostly because of nostalgia. And there are some things I like about it. How they honor Mary/motherhood so much, etc. But then of course there is so much to NOT like. I have always believed in God (or higher power, whatever). All of the little details are confusing to me but my belief in a higher power has always been a constant. And I quit worrying so much about the little details the older I got, and I am more peaceful now. I know there are some things I will never understand. And I am finally ok with that.

Reply to Jeanette

I’m a newcomer to your blog and this first entry of yours touched me. I understand what you’re going through. I am not religious nor do I align myself with any group but I am very spiritual and very connected. I had a crisis of faith for a few years and finally realised what @sunsetwinds said- the goddess or life or love is US. When I found the faith in myself, I found myself reconnected to my spirituality and everything around me.

Also, it makes me laugh that there’s a special name here for what folks call ‘attachment parenting’. In my mind, that’s just parenting. You know? It just fits so completely for me that honestly, everything else doesn’t make much sense to me. I wish you were in El Cerrito so we could form our own group! LOL.

Reply to ajira

I haven’t been to a Pagan ritual in years, unless you count my wedding where we did a handfasting, or my children’s naming ceremony, where I dreadfully invoked the four directions by myself for the first time. The first rituals, real ones I guess, I attended before I even really knew what Paganism was. Once I found it on my own I felt too uncomfortable to look up old acquaintances to see if I could come to a potluck or ritual, plus I realized other than my one friend who was our connection, I had never really connected with them anyway. And they all seemed kind of weird. Fast forward to last year, a friend of mine who also identifies as Pagan but who has never attended a ritual, tells me there’s a PAgan Pride Day in the city. So we go. And then we leave. So weird. Bad energy. We were both so disappointed. So maybe, are you wanting something you had in the past that can’t really be duplicated because you are a different person now? Do you need now those rituals that once connected you to the Goddess? I’ve come to realize that I can believe in and feel like a Pagan without a bunch of spell-like rituals. (I guess this is why I don’t identify as Wiccan) and I can make my own that work for me. Hikes in the woods and words of thanks to the Goddess and a blessing at meal time are the ways I connect with Her now. Maybe it’s time for an undoing of expectations and creating something new?? Good luck my friend. Hugs.

Reply to Melodie

@Recovering Procrastinator I thought that too, that Pagans most of ALL about be all about AP. I suppose it’s common in most religions but the people I’ve come across tend to be all TALK but that’s where it ends. It’s hard too when I come from a non-religious family so I feel a bit lost sometimes.

@Samantha Oh I’ve been a member of WitchVox for years! Any attempt on my part to reach out usually gets some uber fluffy bunny or someone who takes it WAY too seriously “are you PURE OF HEART?!”. Uh. Yeah. I also tried the local Pagan shops and got the same result. I know if I was closer to the city I would probably have more luck but I’m not willing to drive out there.

@FireMom I wish I could be ok with how I’ve always been in my beliefs, I wish I knew what CHANGED for me. It’s very frustrating to be 28yrs old and feel like I’m starting over.

@Joni Rae I looked at the UU website and it does look interesting. I just don’t know how to START something like that. I don’t know how to feel comfortable “jumping right in” to a service for example.

@Jeanette Oh I am ALL about the little details, it drives me insane lol I wish I could just relax and let everything be!

@ajira Oh we have labels for everything, sadly when spanking, cry-it-out, formula, “detachment” parenting is what society expects and is the mainstream, you need to create a label of “natural” parenting for people to find other like-minded people!

Ah I wish I could find the faith in myself, I just feel so very lost the past few years!

@Melodie I was never big into spellcasting or much of that nature, however when I felt my faith slipping away I did more and more rituals thinking maybe I “needed” them to regain my connection. Which obviously didn’t work. You’re right though, perhaps my age, my life experiences have changed how I perceive myself spiritually/religiously.


I have to tell you that for a long, long, much too long time now, I’ve been struggling with my beliefs and faith.

I grew up with the most basic of Catholic beliefs (there is a God, his son is Jesus, we die and go to heaven if we’re good), but as I aged, I started to see that these beliefs didn’t align with what I felt to be true for me. Now I call myself a Pagan, but in the most basic definition: a person holding religious beliefs other than those of the main world religions. I feel a strong pull to the Goddess, but don’t practice magic/cast. I believe in reincarnation and redemption through enlightenment. Of course, these beliefs leave me very solitary. And, yes, it’s lonely. BUT in the end, these are my beliefs. For me.

Maybe once you find what you believe, truly wholly believe, those who are like minded will come to you.

Reply to nicole

Sorry that you feel unconnected at the moment. I seem to go through similar phases most days. To be totally enigmatic though, I think it is when we don’t question our spirituality and become complacent about our beliefs that we really fail to connect. Keep looking and keep searching and I’m sure you’ll find what is right for you.

Reply to Darren

Tom and I are pretty adrift spiritually too. I was raised Southern Baptist, he started attending church (Methodist then Presbyterian) in high school and became heavily involved in youth ministry after high school.
We’ve both had our own crises of faith. I’m leaning more toward getting back into *something*, although I’m not sure what that is. I think my motivator is Kieran – I remember church fondly: the community, the activities, etc. Of course the church members themselves are also what caused me to start questioning my beliefs in college. (That’s sad. For any religion.)
I have several friends from our local AP group who attend a UU church and always speak very warmly of it and the church community. I am honestly scared of going and being weirded out by everything – I know that sounds immature and close-minded, but I’ve just never been exposed to much beyond my own church.
It’s strange, I don’t feel judgmental of any religion, and I identify with elements of several religions, but I don’t feel like I’m ready to open up to a UU church.
(Was that too much honesty?)

Reply to Dionna

Yeah, I gotta admit I know very little about most other religions, and what’s “got me” about Christianity right now is how so many people (seemingly) use it to further some other agenda… and that is a real downer.

I know that these people are human, and we’re all fallible, but I don’t like the soapbox mentality – all the while doing “non-Christ-like” things behind the scenes. So it makes me question attending services and “playing church” when I KNOW there is more going on than people would ever admit.

Regarding your issue specifically, I would just say “don’t panic” – I questioned religion/Christianity really hard growing up b/c I didn’t seem to “feel” things like my friends did, no matter how desperately I wanted it. I ended up queasy because of it more than once. I couldn’t make myself feel something…

It’s not something you can easily measure, and you have to be mindful of the ebb-and-flow in life. We all go through highs and lows, etc. and often these things are cyclical.

Reply to Tom

I’ll start this off by saying that I’m a Christian and believe that there is one God. However, I respect your beliefs, respect you as a person and have no plans to convert you. lol I also respect the fact that other people believe just the opposite, that their “God” is the only god and my God is rubbish, pure fantasy. That’s fine. People are allowed to believe whatever they want.
I will say this, there are times in my walk as a Christian that I feel so far from God, just as you do with your connection to the goddess. Like every relationship, there are moments when I feel connected, like everything is front and center. Then there are times when I feel like He’s so far away or that I’ve drifted so far away and there’s no coming back. The great thing is, like any relationship in life there’s always a chance for things to change.
Christianity, Paganism, religion in general is a leap of faith. It’s a belief in something you can’t see, touch, smell. There will be moments of doubt, periods of silence. That’s okay. It’s a great time to really look at yourself and analyze your beliefs. Is this really right for you?
If you do decide to step out and try other avenues of faith, ask a friend for support. Don’t walk into a church, synagogue, etc. without support. You’ll be the lone lamb in the lion’s den. lol
I know this is getting lengthy (I apologize), but I wanted to mention something about the accident post you linked to. First of all, you look great! Second, coming from someone who was in the insurance industry for almost 10 years, it sounds like the other party was at fault. I’m sorry you got screwed like that. Insurance companies can be real jerks sometimes.
Have a great day, my new friend.


@Nicole I think it’s that I feel like I lost who I am the past few years. I am not sure on how to “find” myself again. Does that make sense?

@Darren That does make sense… I just hope my search doesn’t take TOO long lol.

@Dionna No such thing as too much honesty! I agree though. As a teenager I would go with friends to THEIR churches (usually after a sleepover that we didn’t want to end lol) and I had no problem going. Yet now as an adult, especially as a mother, I seem to have a harder time feeling OPEN to a new religious situation. I think also in some cases it feels like we are either feeling as if WE are being “interviewed” or that we are “interviewing” them!

@Tom I agree, more and more it seems like Christianity has an agenda that doesn’t mesh well with me and I find it hard to find “true” Christians as opposed to those who are Christian at face value only. I think part of my issue is that this feeling of mine has been going on for two YEARS… a few weeks or a couple months is one thing but YEARS of feeling like this is hard.

@Kristi Problem is once I became pregnant with Tristan, I literally lost my ENTIRE friend base. I have one friend still who is religious but she doesn’t go to a church (she’s Christian). I am open to trying a new faith, I just don’t know where to start anymore.

Oh yes, the other guy’s car insurance company said I was at fault for the accident because I was TOO specific on the TIME of the accident. Go figure. I still have back issues from that.


It’s been years since I’ve felt any spiritual draw at all, and it still bothers me a bit. I considered myself pagan throughout most of high school and a few years after than, but have been an atheist ever since. There was no real catalyst, I just don’t feel it anymore. I know I was happier when I believed in the Goddess, but it’s not something I can really talk myself into.

I had a lot of trouble finding pagans I could relate to, too. I’d been told numerous times that being vegetarian was against the Goddess and meant that I was “fluffy” for not accepting the “dark side” of nature… among other things.

Reply to Cody

I know what you mean, I’ve had the same thing happen. I was a member of a circle, I ran a pagan discussion group and after a while it just felt wrong…like I was trying too hard to feel something. When my Dad died and I just got really angry with the Universe and even though it has almost been 6 years, I’m only just starting to heal some of that anger. There is a lot to like about paganism, but I agree some of the people I’ve come across have been some of the most unpleasant narrow minded people I’ve ever met.

On the bright side, I think spirituality is a journey so it’s okay if you, me, all of us are searching.

Reply to Maree

First comment here I think, and on a good post too! heh

It has been a very, very long time since I’ve considered myself a practitioner of any formal religion, but I’ve always kept to paganism. As I’ve gotten older though I’ve drifted away from needing that presence in my life and focused more inward. Today it’s almost as if logic is my religion. Positive thinking, putting out that healing and helpful energy, is what I’m trying to focus on, with the still firm belief that what I give is what I get from the universe.

I do second the idea of reaching out via WitchVox. I haven’t visited the site in years but I think if you could find even one good connection with someone you might see a turn for the better in the spiritual department :)

Reply to Keeshia

@Cody I think part of me wonders how big the difference is between being religious and being spiritual. Can I simply enjoy being connected to nature without having to associate it with a higher being?

@Maree EXACTLY. I feel like I NEED to feel something again. I have so much anger, bitterness, betrayal for so long that I don’t know how to process/heal.

@Keeshia I tried so many times over the years to reach out on WitchVox and haven’t gotten a sane person yet!


I think you can be spiritual without relating it to a higher being. A lot of people who qualify as agnostic would fit that, I think. If you’re not feeling a specific connection or you have doubt, personally, I think that’s all for the better. You’re not believing just to be a part of a community or to be religiously failsafe (Basically, deciding to believe for the possibility of divinity when you don’t really believe).

What I mean is, I think it’s healthy to doubt and evaluate religious beliefs so you don’t believe for the sake of believing.

I hear you on missing the sense of community, though. Really few churches relegate people just for being “new.” You might look up some of the churches around you to see their core beliefs and “try em on.” I’m glad I did that a few times in college to get a feel for the unfamiliarity of somewhere new. I’ve never felt foreign, even if I didn’t like some practices or others. It’s like attending a class to find your major.

Then again, I think any religion can have something for everyone. I’m a Universalist that way.

Reply to Sara

I think I told you when you initially posted this that I was thinking about my response. Well, I think I’m still thinking, but I’ve figured a few things out.

I think you’ve got to take a bath. That’s my euphemism for silencing everything to see what you really want/need/think/etc. So, take a bath. Here’s what I would focus on:

Why are you feeling this disconnect? Were you ever really connected to the Goddess, or in the wake of your trauma did you need something and paganism is what was there?

Is it a sense of spiritual community you’re looking for? Or is it a parenting community? Or do you simply need any type of community? If so, have you looked at communities dealing with other areas of your life? For me, it’s my west coast swing community that I draw the most strength from.

I have a hard time with religion. I’m Catholic, but rarely go to Mass. I don’t trust organized religion in most cases. I don’t like how it’s used these days. For me, religion is a basic code of ethics. It’s also something to give us a sense of purpose. But based on the number of different Christian sects/denominations, there’s much to left to interpretation. If none of them work for you, I agree with the earlier posters – look at the UU church. Have you looked at Buddhism?

Just … be.

Enjoy sunrises, sunsets, flowers, wind, rain, the soft snores of your children. See the beauty in them all, and hold it fiercely.

If you hear the soft voice of ANY Divinity, from any religion, great. If not, you’re still surrounded by beauty.

@Sara I think at the base of all religions they are pretty much the same, I do admit to having a stereotype of view when it comes to most of them though, most likely due to media I guess? Which makes it frustrating because I can’t break down my mental barriers and LEARN.

@Natasha you bring up some amazing points! In the past I felt VERY connected but the past two years that’s completely disappeared and I do feel like my beliefs “failed” somehow especially with the birth of my second son.

@FernWise I do feel the best just BEING outdoors, the fresh air just makes me feel so much better. As it is I usually have a window open all year long (even right now when it’s 20 odd degrees!) which drives everyone nuts but helps my mental state lol.


Sometimes I wonder if I’m really Wiccan. Or even really a Pagan? I think I like the term “Spiritual” instead. Do you still at least feel spiritual?

Reply to Penny

No and Yes… rarely. Every so often if I’m outside and the sky is just right and the wind is just so and everything comes together I feel… fantastic and light. However that rarely happens lately heh.

Pacific Druid

Greetings from the dim and foggy past.

First, I fell off the planet without warning or explanation 5 years ago. Sorry for that, but it was a path I had to take, and it is pertinent here.

I left my pursuit of spirituality for 5 years.. some of it was due to events in my life, but in the end I just did not have the calling, movement, or what ever you wish to call it. Connection to Brigid, Gaia, and the spiritual nature of the cosmos was simply missing for me, much as you have found for yourself.

I believe we all have a path to choose, and sometimes that path leads us away for spiritual matters. You will find yourself on a spiritual path in the future if it is right for you, but then again you may not.

Your path is yours, and following your true calling is what is important. All rivers lead to the same ocean.

So, now I am going to go dig up that acorn squash recipe you posted recently and give it a try!

Your friend,

Pacific Druid

Reply to Pacific Druid

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