It’s slowly getting better, this anger, this sadness. I can now find beauty in everyday life (aside from my kids) where I couldn’t a few months ago.
It’s hard because sometimes I almost feel shame or guilt that BOTH of my c-sections were medically needed. Daniel was a footling breech and with Tristan, my placenta abrupted. That makes people not understand WHY I suffer from PTSD or why I am still coming to terms with fighting so hard to not have it matter in the end, because gosh darn it, I “needed” those surgeries for valid reasons!
In the birthing community (not the medical community mind you!), I feel like there is so much support for those wanting a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) but not enough support for those who TRIED and ended up with a CBAC (cesarean birth after cesarean). I fought SO hard.
I did go to my first ICAN meeting last month and thought it was great, but even then, I have problems talking to people who have had successful VBACS or planning a VBAC.
I feel broken. I have very hard pregnancies (hyperemesis and SPD) and end up with major abdominal surgery to “birth” my children. I was screamed at, ridiculed, put down, shamed, lied to, and traumatized by the medical industry for even trying to birth my second son WITHOUT having my abdomen sliced open.
It’s hard to not think, “What was the point? Why did I fight so hard to have the outcome THEY all wanted?”.
Would I try for a VBA2C if I ever became pregnant again? Yes. Keith and I already discussed it and determined we would have a homebirth (HBA2C). Not only was the pregnancy and birth tortured enough by the medical profession but then the hospital stay was just as bad.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one that feels this way.
I need a hug.