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I took a month off from writing because I got so overwhelmed with how to express how I’m doing.
It’s been seven months since my mother died and three months since my father died. You would think I’d be able to feel and process by now. My twin sister says we are the very definition of complicated grief.
I am not doing well. I still am in this angry, numb, frustrated place. Still suck in feeling like if I said or did any of the shit that has been said and done to me this year, I would have had hell rain upon me. I’ve taken massive steps back from multiple relationships because it’s too much for me to forgive and forget.
I always tell people it’s more than the sudden deaths of both parents, more than them dying within four months and two weeks of each other. It’s everything that surrounded both of the situations. All the abuse and trauma my father was put through by my sibling. Then, I found out how my mother truly died.
October is birthday month. Tomorrow, October 2nd, will be my youngest son’s 14th birthday, then my birthday on the 17th, and what would have been my father’s 73rd birthday on the 25th. It brings up a ton of stuff for me for a billion reasons. As much as I love Autumn, it also brings so much trauma, even before this year happened.
I had my 15-year relationship anniversary recently, and my husband, shockingly considering the condition of our relationship, got me the Apple AirPods Max and ordered the new Apple iPhone 15 Pro Max phone (he chose to do the payment plan, I have no idea why). I have had the 11 Pro Max for years, so it’s a big upgrade. I think it’ll arrive in late October or early November.
My oldest son’s father reached out to me after a full decade of no contact. I still don’t know why. I gave him time to tell me, but so far, no explanation. He doesn’t ask me about my son, doesn’t ask me about me. He randomly says “hi” every two weeks or so. I mentioned my parents had died, and he ignored it. That hurt me since both of my parents helped so much when we were together. My mom provided so much during my pregnancy with my oldest, and my father literally paid our bills, bought us our car, and he lived with my father in the apartment for over a year, and then did not even say a word about either death. That’s not OK. I asked him to do a phone call, and he said he didn’t have a phone. I sent him a Facebook friend request, but it was ignored. It gets to me on so many levels because, ignoring everything I went through in our relationship and his abandonment of our son, I still thought, at the core, we were friends. I don’t understand why it can’t be normal, why there’s still an issue on that end towards me.
Regarding my health, my thyroid became functional-ish, not optimal, but functional enough. Hopefully, it lasts longer than a few months, as balancing my meds has been a real challenge. I finally found a new optometrist and am slowly but surely going blind. I got a recommendation for an eye surgeon, so I need to make an appointment with them and see if I am a candidate for surgery and if my health insurance covers it. I also need new glasses, “progressive” or trifocal lenses now, which cost a small fortune. More credit card debt, ugh. My cortisol is still very bad, but I can’t lifestyle change my insane stress levels.
Autumn has begun, and with it, summer-like temperatures! Thankfully, by the end of this week, it will be in the low 60s and feel more seasonal to me. As the youth now say, it’s “soup season,” so I am looking for new recipes for soups and whatnot. I already plan on making my beef stew.
Site-wise, I changed the design a decent amount to make it a bit more streamlined and minimal-ish and added a dark mode, which you can toggle by clicking the moon and stars in the navigation area.
Lastly, a photo of the sky.