Journal: End Of Year
What challenges did you face? My mother and father died within four months of each other. I was extremely ill at the start of the year with an ear infection that moved into my jaw and again at the end of the year with severe pneumonia.
What lessons did you learn? That I am primarily alone. That my brother is toxic. That even the death of my parents won’t make people give a fuck. Friends I once thought to be kind and loving were anything but. I have a lot of anger and bitterness towards a lot of shit I was put through. It’s hard to relate to others when no one was put through my bullshit. As I keep saying, it’s not JUST THE DEATH OF MY PARENTS. It’s the situations surrounding both of their deaths.
How did you grow? I didn’t. I shut down emotionally, which is scary at this point.
How did your heart break? Refer to dead parents in the first question.
Oh, and I suppose my aunt (father’s side) telling me repeatedly, in our one and only phone conversation in decades, that both of my parents are absolutely in hell.
Or maybe it was my uncle (mother’s side) posting on Facebook about my mother’s death and summed it up that her life sucked and that because she wasn’t raised with a father in the home, she was fucked up from the start (my grandfather was a police officer and died on duty while my grandmother was early in her pregnancy with my mother).
Maybe it’s finding out that my brother was abusive, neglectful, and stealing from our father for years. Or, hear me out; it could be that the nursing home he was in for years and years lied to me repeatedly and was also neglectful. I mean, I have options here.
How did your heart open? It didn’t.
What do you want to remember? Fucking not one bit.
What do you want to celebrate? Well, I stayed alive? I guess?
How do you want to approach 2024? I wish I knew. I am terrified of the new year.
What qualities do you want to cultivate? Better routines.
What do you want to let go of? My pure rage, I don’t see that happening, though.
How do you want to grow? I don’t know how to answer this. I want less negativity in my life, but I am starting to think that’s not my path. A person can only take so much trauma in their life, and I have 40+ years of it.
How do you want to take care of yourself? Keeping consistent with my medications and diet.
How will you commit to yourself? *shrug*
Where will you pour your attention? My kids, my cats, my work, and World of Warcraft, LOL!
What habits or practices nourish you? I never feel nourished in my body, mind, or soul, except for good coffee. That’s all I have at this point.
Well, that’s my 2023 end-of-the-year journal review. If you have a blog, I recommend you participate in this prompt as it’s good sometimes to reflect on what you’ve been through and any hopes for the future year.