I Fear Change

July 25th 2010 / 4 minutes to read


I know I can’t be the only one.

The past decade has been packed full of drama and change that I’ve come to fear it in some ways. Just to give an idea, here’s a timeline:

  • 2000: Got hit by Matt for the first time. Became codependent on him. Became very depressed. Used to use an online program called Palace. Started using online diaries and a manual blog on angelfire.
  • 2001: I had a plan in place to move back to Tucson and leave Matt when I discovered I was pregnant with Danny in May. Started OSN.
  • 2002: I gave birth via c-section to my first son.
  • 2003: Discovered that my fiance of 4 yrs (at that point) had been cheating on me, stealing money from me and my family. Which in hindsight shouldn’t have been a surprise since if he was able to hit me, of course he was able to cheat. Kicked him out. Danny took his first steps at 14 months of age. Started working again. Dropped a ton of weight.
  • 2004: Matt moved back in. Due to lack of transportation and pressure from Matt, I quit my job. Daniel chose to start potty learning. Switched from MovableType to ExpressionEngine. Started working again, this time for a plumbing company. Finally, at the end of the year, fully split up with Matt. He never did work while he lived with us. Gained back all the weight I had lost, and then some.
  • 2005: Bought the Panasonic Lumix DMC-FZ20K camera. Had emergency gallbladder removal surgery. I also used to do podcasts. Got my Illinois drivers license. Started to work on my weight and health.
  • 2006: Bought my first car (Scion xA) and first DSLR camera (Nikon D50). Just really dealt with being a single, full time WOHM momma. Daniel self-weaned. Got in a car accident.
  • 2007: I quit my job at the plumbing company and started working at GeekSquad. I began playing World of Warcraft. My twin sister became pregnant.
  • 2008: The year I went crazy. Got my first tattoo. Had one of the best summers of my life. One of the most drama filled as well. Daniel went to live with Matt for five miserable months. I met Keith. We moved in together. I was smoking a pack a day (didn’t handle Dan living with Matt very well).
  • 2009: I discover I am pregnant with Tristan. I quit smoking cold turkey the same day. I dealt with the cat lady. I switched from ExpressionEngine to WordPress, and haven’t looked back. We decided to start unschooling. I gave birth via repeat c-section to Tristan.
  • 2010 (so far):Purchased my lovely iPhone 3gs and Nikon D90. I wrote why I am estranged from my mother.

Tomorrow Keith starts his new job. I’ve gotten so used to him being the other SAHP that I’m fairly sure the first few weeks will have a steep learning curve as I get readjusted to being a SAHM. Next month my oldest son will be going on his annual trip to Michigan with my twin sister and her fiance for a week. I think I will go stir crazy.

I don’t seem to handle these large changes as well as I used to. I think I am easily overwhelmed these days.

I’ve also met some awesome bloggers along the way. By no means is this a complete list!

Amber {twitter: ambienine} and I have been best friends since we were in highschool french class together. I don’t think I could have survived those years without her!

Gina {twitter: TheFeministBreeder} and I started talking the night I went into labor with Tristan. I was fighting for a VBAC. She contacted me via twitter and we started txting. I don’t think she even knows how much that still means to me.

So how has this decade treated you so far?

This post is over a year old which means the content may be outdated or no longer accurate.


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Oh, I didn’t know Keith got a new job! That’s awesome! Hopefully you’ll all adjust quickly to him being gone. For as much as I like to change things in my life, I don’t deal well when change happens without my… consent? lol. I guess I’m ok with me changing things, but not when I’m the one it’s happening to.

I’m glad we’ve gotten closer as well. It’s nice to have friends who think along the same lines as you. :)

Reply to Catie

Oh yes. It’s nerve wracking. Shun change! LOL! I’m glad we started talking more too!

This decade has been nuts for me too. I’ll have to sit down this afternoon and write a blog about all of my changes, so we can compare. :P

You can’t fear change, though. Yes, there have been a lot of bad changes in your life, but there have also been some amazingly good ones – including, but not limited to, your two amazing little boys. And no matter what, each change makes you into the person you’ve become and are still becoming.

It’s terrifying, change. But it’s the core nature of existence. It’s like being afraid of gravity or breathing, it’s inescapable, no sense in fearing it!

Okay, so I finally finished that entry. It’s scary going “back in time” to think about all of those changes. I find myself getting frustrated with my old self for doing the things that I did.

Thank you for making me think about this, though. :)

That’s true. I try to hold onto that, that I wouldn’t go back and change the CORE of my life. However I do wish I was stronger, EARLIER.


I used to fear change, but very recently I’ve learned to accept and embrace it. I’d hate to know what it would’ve been like if I had been too scared to move our family out to Texas this year!

Thank you SO SO much for your kind words. I don’t even remember where we first ‘met’ each other anymore! I remember when you still used the Lumix. I think we must have met each other through pMachine or EE forums?

Reply to Lynda

I think it was before EE actually! I think it was still in the MT days. I still remember commenting on scriptygoddess and soveryposh LOL!


Wow! That’s amazing! I don’t remember much of my MT days, but I did meet a lot of cool people!

You’ve come such a long way in a few short years, Sarah! I hope you can be proud of all your accomplishments. :)

Reply to Lynda

Oh man, MT was like the BEST THING EVER compared to GreyMatter LOL!

Aww thank you so much!!


This year has been pretty good… some ups and downs, but mostly positive…
I think one of the best parts of 2010 was meeting you and making my switch to WordPress. Of course adding more cesarean awareness friends also.
I am so grateful for our online friendship, and I certainly hope to meet you some day!

Reply to Danielle

Aww thank you so much! Hells yeah! It would be awesome!

I love this post! I may even blog about my last decade too. Change is a certainty in life – doesn’t make it any easier though. Yet I’m always seeking out change….not sure what that says about me, probably that I need to take time to smell the roses more. Thanks for sharing!

You so need to do a post about the last decade! I used to be ALL about the change but the older I get, the more I get set in my ways lol.


I’m so glad I “met” you. I’ve enjoyed all the casual conversations I’ve had with you, the ability to be supportive of another woman, and someone who doesn’t mind when I randomly rant at her. <3

"I txt her randomly through out the day and she hasn’t gotten irritated yet!"

Haha! I was kind of thinking the same about you :P


Anyhow, I think once you get put back on your feet you'll straighten out. All the stressful things that have come along have seemed to knock you down, repeatedly. So once you stop feeling like you have to trudge through the days, you'll start to feel like the superwoman you are again. Hopefully with less stress in the financial sector (woot for Keith finding work!) that will really be a boon to the whole process.

And as always, big bad bear hugs and lots of positive energy your way. <3

Reply to Keeshia

Same here! Once I can get stamps I can start writing to you again, joy!

I’m hoping that being the main SAHP will get some more routine going for me. At the very least I have easy going kids so I’m lucky in that respect! Once the weather cools off I can go out a lot more, I just am overly sensitive to this humidity ugh!


Told you they’d love Keith!!!

My decade. Well, best described by my blog you’ve so graciously helped me with. I’ve been a panicky anxious wreck, Blazingly highlighted with the arrival of my beautiful children. One day at a time though. <3 you kitten, always have, always will <3

Reply to Amber

I hate to think of how crazy you and I would be if we didn’t have our kids LOL.

Wow. You’ve sure had a crazy ride. Glad it’s all working out and that you got the iphone. Haha.

Seriously. My entire life is summed up into “but at least I have the iPhone” LOL!

This decade has been very up and down. A couple of moves. A beautiful daughter, postpartum depression. Confronting my father for his part in the sexual abuse I lived through in my childhood. Realizing that we will probably never have a relationship. My husband went through some job losses. Starting homeschooling. Moving to a new town. Loosing the internet for a couple of years. Getting it back. Starting back into blogging (and learning that a lot had changed while I had been away) Getting more involved with the survivor community online and offline. Thinking about having to go back to work after several years away from that and what that will mean for our family and the dynamic that we now have. Thoughts of moving across the country. Thoughts of switching to wordpress (and the money it will take to do it)

Sounds like one roller coaster decade so far! It’s hard, dealing with abuse. I still have nightmares.

OH it doesn’t take much money to switch to WP. $8 for a domain name and like $4 a month for hosting or so. Not much at all really!

That isn’t bad on price at all!
I am also scared I will pick a “bad” host. I’m not tech-savvy enough to fix major problems myself. lol

Go with Surpass Hosting! I am in love with them and have suggested them ALL over the place! I’ve had a LOT of clients and friends switch!


Thank you for sharing these times of your life. It’s refreshing to read something so honest and real, the good and the bad. I can only hope to do the same with my blog and my writing.

Hello from a SITS girl :-)

Reply to TRR

Aww thank you so much! It’s hard, there’s so much stuff I have a difficult time talking about. Heck, I have a hard time accepting that bad things happened in my life heh. Seems like another reality sometimes.


You have come such a long way, girl! This post is inspiring and yes, changes can be daunting but I feel it comes with living our lives to the fullest. Congrats on the new job for Keith.

Reply to Maureen

Thank you so very much! It’s nerve wracking, we won’t know if this job is a good fit for at least another month since the training alone is set for 4 weeks!


This decade has been filled with tremendous ups and downs for me and for my family (just like so many other families in this world). Health, finances, war, death…it’s been a constant state of flux. We always seem to roll with it though – what other choice is there? I’ve learned a lot, cried a lot, and most importantly I’ve learned to laugh a lot. Laughter is a blessing – if you can still laugh when things get tough, then I think things will be OK.

Good luck with the new job, and with your new adjustments – I’m sure you’ll be just fine.


Reply to Michelle

So far today has been fairly smooth, I freely admit giving the baby a box of bandaids to play with and a clean paintbrush LOL.

Blond Duck

Popped in from SITS to say hi! I fear change too!

Reply to Blond Duck

Found you through #31DBBB via Twitter. First – have to say that your site is gorgeous – I absolutely love it!
Next – the list from the last decade is moving. I was surprised at how moving – maybe because of the brevity and matter-of-fact telling?
What an amazing journey you have had. I think the idea of a decade post is great.
So glad to meet you – I’ll be back :)

Reply to Cate

Aww thank you so much! It’s amazing to me, when I go through my journals and archives, how bad it REALLY WAS. I mean REALLY BAD. I never could have imagined even 2 years ago that my life would improve so much.

Lindsay @ Just My Blog

I really don’t know what to say. I saw this link on Twitter and thought I’d check it out. You have been through so much in the past ten years and I really feel for you.

On the other hand, this commenting form is absolutely gorgeous and I’m terribly jealous of it!

Reply to Lindsay @ Just My Blog

LOL thank you on both accounts!

I’m really bad at change too, possibly even scared of it. You just need to remember that not all change is bad and that good things will weigh up the bad at some point :)

You’re a very brave person and being fearful is not a weakness, just another stepping stone to cross :)

I’m not usually so airy fairy but this post jolted me a bit, thanks for the great read..

Oh, and BTW <-- fellow WOW player :)

OH what server do you play on? I’m on Dark Iron!

Taking a break at the moment (playing warhammer online :P), My main is on Azuremyst EU though :P


Whoa that is a busy few years, well done for doing as well as you have :)

I should do that kind of post too :)

Reply to Damita

Yes you should do a similar post!


I’ve been thinking a lot of how my life’s changed so much over the last couple of years, but when I think of my life a decade ago it’s scary how much I’ve achieved and learned. Granted, I was only 14 back then…

Reply to Melissa

Doesn’t matter of the age! Just from when I was 12-17 my life had changed DRASTICALLY.


Neat commenting area. This has got me to thinking. First off, go you for being awesome. It’s so awesome to see someone generally come out on top, you know? But it also has me thinking about me. The last 10 years have generally been positive, even if this year has been really stressful. Sometimes it’s hard not to feel like one really shitty thing negates most of the good things.

Reply to cole

Aww thank you so very much Cole!!! It really is difficult to focus on the positive rather than the negative. It’s something I struggle with daily!

Joni Rae

Awww mama. I adore you. And you have MAD skills too. Look at all your fantastic webby work. And ditto everyone else. Your comment form is KILLER.

Love for always.


Reply to Joni Rae

I adore YOU!! Oh now, lol… you’re right, I have mad skills LOL! If only I knew THEN what I know NOW about web development, I would be a billionare!


i ♥ reading this. it was so honest of you to post this online. me? i’m still starting w/ my own blog. i’ve been using wp at the moment, and been tweaking and tweaking. =) i hope i’ll be braver to post something like this one. Take care Sarah… ♥ I’ll be looking fwd to your future post. btw, i ♥ your comment form!

Reply to arveerella

Thank you so much! It’s hard to open up and reveal the not so good and down right awful parts of my life, however I like to think, someone out there, will know they aren’t alone.

Tthis stupid lamb

Sounds like you have had a crazy,sad,joyous,beautiful 10 years. Hey thats life and you handle it beautifully

Reply to Tthis stupid lamb

LOL you summed it up quite well! Thank you!

I love your blog! The name is sooo imaginative! Your pictures are gorgeous, your post I gave up on having a mom makes me sad, even though I haven’t rad it yet. I’m on my way.


Thank you so much!


I totally fear change too. We moved a couple weeks ago and I’ve only called one person since. I’ve become very hermit-like, not wanting to do anything or visit or talk to anyone. My blog posts are low quality (in my opinion) and more infrequent. I am tired all the time. I miss my old house and yard and town. Every morning I wake up I want to bury my head in my covers and stay there. Writing it all out makes me think it sounds like I am depressed. I don’t think I am. Not yet. But overwhelmed and feeling lost, yes.

Reply to Melodie

Oh I completely understand where you are coming from. It’s hard SO hard having to make these life changes especially after you’ve settled into your HOME. I can only hope it improves from here!

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